Heart of the Garden

Orang Asli Animal Tales: a review

2012-01-19T02:25:00.000+08:00

I remember reading a story book on Si Tanggang when I was nine. Picked that thin flimsy book from the library and it was illustrated with ink drawings, in full colour. It was special because it made me realise that Si Tanggang is most likely an Orang Asli folktale.

And why is this memory of mine even significant in this review? I think because of my experience with that book, I have been mildly interested in local folktales. It was what compelled me to pick up this particular book from Kinokuniya.

I am halfway through this, and I feel like I need to put my thoughts down in black and white. This particular book features many animal stories, probably spun by the Orang Asli to explain the natural behaviours of the animals in the jungles. How did the tapir get his white stripe? Questions like this are answered in this book. I have also learnt a few animals (eg. tikus bulan, lotong) and their names. Besides the folktales, writer also provides a brief factual overview on every animal mentioned in the tales. It is also accompanied by illustrations done by a local artist. From my point of view, the art is inky and messy but somehow quite endearing.

I feel Malaysians are not exposed to local folktales, as opposed to Brothers Grimm and Disney fare. Our land and peoples are rich in culture, which could be preserved in the manner of songs and stories. These traditions are what binds us to the land we live in, giving us a sense of connection to the land as well as each other.

Every school library should have this book. It might not have a huge impact on its readers, but it would definitely open their minds to the richness in oral traditions that our country can offer.

2012-01-16T00:57:00.000+08:00

Flipped through my old diary jottings and saw this:

I felt that my speech was funny but it wasn't what the teachers want to hear. All they wanted to hear were: "listen to teachers' advice, ask questions, do your homework as told" and so on. They didn't want to hear me - all they wanted to hear is themselves.

Gaddafi is dead

2011-10-21T21:44:00.000+08:00

This year witnesses the deaths of two leaders, who are notorious for their evil deeds. One is of course Osama bin Laden and the other is Muammar Gaddafi.

Similarities? They were both killed, instead of being captured alive and put on trial. With their passing, many people cheered and celebrated. But I think: "Is that even closure, really?"

If I were to have loved ones who suffer at the hands of these two men, would I simply be satisfied with their deaths? Would I have found enough closure by looking at newspaper reports and photos of their bloodied corpses?

I don't think I can do that; folding up the newspaper and move on. To me, they would still haunt my waking hours and silent dreams.

"The boogeyman is still alive, in our minds."

2011-09-18T04:31:00.002+08:00

Just when I thought I can go back home earlier this year...

Gadoh: a movie review

2011-09-18T02:59:00.000+08:00

When a movie is banned by the authorities, you know it is a must-watch.

Gadoh is a Malaysian movie that seeks to examine the racial tensions in our country. A Malay gang fights with a Chinese one in an urban school and that incident makes it to the papers. In order to placate the public and most importantly, the Ministry, the headmaster accepts the proposal of one Cikgu Ann to set up a theatre club to 'correct' the 'troubled kids'. Cikgu Ann ropes in her friend, Azman, who is a theatre activist.

Even with the few surprises, the plot is quite predictable. You can already expect a somewhat happy ending. But what makes the movie stand out is the fact it is a Malaysian movie and that racial slurs are constantly thrown about when the kids fight each other. Ah, bingo! No wonder the movie was banned!

I love the way the school is being used as an allegory to our country. When the kids fight along racial lines, there are suggestions to keep them apart - Malays with Malays and Chinese with Chinese. Someone said: "The problem is not the kids; it's the system." It's all too familiar. It is a system that keeps us apart, when we are trying to say, "Hey, we can work this out." It is a system that is too quick to judge and too eager to find a quick, but temporary solution.

Because at the end of the day, the kids manage to work together to put up a show, for the sole purpose of placating the authorities and media. I love the fact that even though it is not the most ideal situation, they make a statement through theatre and make the authorities squirm uneasily in their seats.

Ministry official to Headmaster: "How can you allow those kids to make a fool out of us all? I want you at my office. You have to be responsible for this."

That is one feel-good ending. Even so, I have a few criticisms. The fight between the gangs starts very early in the movie and resolves just as quickly. The movie oversimplifies things. As I was watching, I kept thinking if the situations were realistic enough.

Having said all that, the movie has achieved what it was meant to do. In my book, it is a good movie.

Fragile Life, Precious Time

2011-09-17T22:00:00.000+08:00

Just one night before, he complained of chest discomfort. The next morning, he's gone.

That is my Pek Pek - my dad's elder brother. He's only 60 years old. I was shocked by this news yesterday because the last time I saw him he was still smiling and ferrying his wife around on errands. He was overweight many years ago but he made the effort to lose weight. I never thought his life would be cut short so soon, especially when my cousins are still young, with the oldest just started university and the youngest in secondary school.

RIP Pek Pek. We would do our best to look after your family.

As I have always said, funerals are for the living. Because without that ritual and ceremony, the living will go on pining for the dead; keep looking around and calling out the names of their loved ones. Having said that, because I never attended my Popo's funeral, I sometimes think that she's still living in her KL home with Pek Pek's family. Now that I missed out on Pek Pek's funeral too, there's another name to add to the list...

I feel so sorry for my three cousins. They had less than 20 years with their dad. I guess I am by far, more fortunate because I still have my parents to go home to.

Let us thank God for the many years behind us, and may God grant us many more years together.

When a greeting is not just a greeting

2011-09-11T21:05:00.000+08:00

'How are you?"

It's a standard Australian greeting, just like our Malaysian's "Have you eaten?" It seems simple enough for everyone to answer. But I find it so difficult to mouth a simple "Fine, thank you. How's your day?".

Because more often than not, I feel like I'm in the dumps. As much as I want to say that I'm doing great, I can't. I feel like I'm betraying myself by doing that. Yet, I don't want to unload all my worries onto a stranger who apparently by a twist of fate, is manning the cash register at Coles.

Uni Laughs #1: Contraception

2011-09-11T14:19:00.000+08:00

Ms TC in Pharmacotherapy's Contraception lecture: "You would think that talking about sex first thing in the morning is a big draw. 20 people, I counted. This is the worst turnout ever."

Man, I love the Canadian woman!

Poem: Addicted to You

2011-09-10T00:16:00.000+08:00

You leave me cold

with a bitter aftertaste

Yet, I cannot forget

the passionate nights we shared

No, I cannot forget

Your inviting warmth

Your intoxicating fragrance

Your enticing kiss

So, coffee

Can we begin once again?

2011-09-03T18:17:00.001+08:00

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.
-Brian Littrell-

Sir, I have given up on aiming that high. Because falling hurts like hell.

Some things never change #2: you've got the wrong person

2011-08-30T18:55:00.000+08:00

I was studying together with Syazana and Aymen in the lobby when our lecturer, Dr V approached us. He went on asking us about the possibility of organising extra lessons to help us deal with Pharmaceutics. So, we ended up talking for a bit. And then, Dr. V asked me: "Are you Khoo Chee Shin?"

"No." And I told him my name. It just struck me that with my glasses and my hair tied up, I really looked like her. But seriously, getting mistaken for another person (even here in Perth) really gets on my nerves.

Because, having two sisters studying before me in the same school means I have to respond to THREE different names - two out of which are not mine. Frankly I am sick of this. But I don't have the luxury of not replying.

Farce-book

2011-08-28T12:21:00.000+08:00

264 friends in the list.

But how many of them do I actually consider as friends?

So many and still so lonely.

(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding

2011-08-23T22:41:00.000+08:00

Sittin' in the morning sun
I'll be sittin' when the evening comes
Watching the ships roll in
Then I watch them roll away again, yeah

I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Watchin' the tide roll away, ooh
I'm just sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

I left my home in Georgia
Headed for the Frisco Bay
Cuz I've had nothing to live for
And look like nothing's gonna come my way

So, I'm just gon' sit on the dock of the bay
Watchin' the tide roll away, ooh
I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

Looks like nothing's gonna change
Everything still remains the same
I can't do what ten people tell me to do
So I guess I'll remain the same, listen

Sittin' here resting my bones
And this loneliness won't leave me alone, listen
Two thousand miles I roam
Just to make this dock my home, now

I'm just gon' sit at the dock of a bay
Watchin' the tide roll away, ooh
Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

[Ends in harmonic whistling]

I am sometimes amazed with myself at how I can fall in love with almost any type of music. Lately, I am into old-school soul and R&B. I can connect with this song, even though it was first written and sung in the 60's. At first listen, it seemed nearly boring. But the words speak to me: of being lonely and helpless. The person in this song seems relaxed to the outsider, but he sings of a quiet discontentment with the life he's living. I am just like him. The difference is, I am sitting in front of my computer each day, and not on the dock.

The fundamentals don't change.

On Writing: Outside looking in

2011-08-21T12:21:00.000+08:00

If I don't put this down in words, I risk becoming an insomniac tonight.

"The Help" is one of my favourite novels. But it is criticised for portraying a white woman as a hero who saves all the other black maids. Huh? Is this the only thing people see when they read the book or watch the movie? What about liberation from societal expectations or the fact that we are essentially human, no matter what our skin colour is?

Just because Kathryn Stockett is white, she is accused of exploiting the African-American story of discrimination and slavery. Must she confine herself to only write stories about white people? Must all writers write what they know? Where is the challenge in that? Is that even fiction-writing?

Some of us write because we want to find closure; we want answers. Some of us seek to understand what it is like being on the other side of the fence. The only way we can do it is by re-imagining ourselves and trying to write from another person's point-of-view. Now, that is challenging. That is fiction-writing.

Death of a Person

2011-08-18T10:31:00.000+08:00

blinded by things you see,
deafened by the voices of others,
the flame inside dies
and your inner voice silent.

Base Camp or The Peak?

2011-08-12T15:03:00.000+08:00

It was odd. Shelly gave a motivational-ish lecture this morning, when I thought she's going to grill us on more pharmacy law stuff.

"If you stop moving, you stay."

"After you've finished your degree, you will be just at base camp. To get to the peak of Mt. Everest, you need to study more."

Those are some of the things she said. Well, I had initially thought I would be someone who chills out at base camp, with a cup of coffee in hand and make myself comfortable by the fireplace. After the hospital visit, something in me changed. I saw clinical pharmacists at work in Fremantle Hospital. Their work is more in-depth than the average pharmacists; they get to chat with the patients and be involved in organising an appropriate drug regimen. It is more hardcore and challenging. And to be like them, I have to study Masters - at the very least. But I am not big on the idea of writing a thesis and research work.

So, the enjoy life at base camp or enjoy the view from the top of Mt. Everest? I haven't got a clue. Tentatively, it is base camp for me. Maybe after downing too much caffeine, I would head to the peak.

Nothing is set in stone at this point. But this is definitely something worth thinking about.

Placement coordinator: We are not a travel agency

2011-08-10T16:06:00.000+08:00

Excitement fills the air. Her speech is halted occasionally by eager hands rising up in the air.

"Can we go interstate?"

"Eastern states?"

"International?"

I'm talking about pharmacy placements here. It is interesting that Curtin is quite flexible in giving us options - provided it is feasible for them to make such an arrangement with the other party. And it is during times like this when I feel the pressure coming on. Placement is going to happen in about 6 months' time from now. I am going to enter society as a working adult in less than 18 months.

It is scary. It is overwhelming. As much as I abhor working part-time (I am a lazy pig), I am looking forward to placements with mixed feelings. My recent hospital visit is so enlightening. To be able to see the stuff we learnt in uni being put into practice, it makes learning all the more worthwhile. (That said, I am still reluctant to consistently review lecture materials.)

I guess I will still be afraid of what's ahead, but I will venture forward at my own pace.

2011-08-03T22:37:00.000+08:00

*Sigh* *Sigh*

I really don't feel like doing any work. But alas! The deadlines (yes, it's plural) are drawing near.

Sorry, need to rant a little bit since I overuse Facebook for this purpose.

Crazy Little Thing Called Love: a review

2011-07-26T19:36:00.001+08:00

Thanks to Xianni for recommending this Thai movie. It is excellent!

This movie is about a teenage girl, Nam, who is in love with her senior, Chon. Chon is handsome, popular, athletic and artistic, while Nam is quite the opposite. The story is basically told from her point of view - of how she transforms herself from a dorky-looking girl to a beauty and tries her very best to attract his attention.

It has all the elements of first love - a good-looking crush, an equally good-looking rival and a few loyal friends who support our protagonist. I find myself cheering Nam on, laughing at her misadventures and cry with her when things didn't really work out.

Frankly, I wish something like that happened to me back in secondary school. Too bad that our school is an all-girl institution! *damn!* Well, for someone like me, watching this movie is as good as it gets.

Kitchen Princess

2011-07-19T00:51:00.000+08:00

Okay. Spent the entire night reading 47 chapters worth of manga, when I am supposed to be doing outline for the review article. Someone please shoot me!!

Here's the link to the manga: http://www.mangafox.com/manga/kitchen_princess/

Plot is just so-so. I could guess who is the protagonist's prince from the very first chapter. But for what it's worth, it is quite entertaining and it does deliver some shocking twists.

Jia Mun and Lee Kuan, you guys are the only two friends who actually cook desserts. So if you are reading this, please take note. This manga is actually a cookbook in disguise! xD Every chapter is accompanied by recipes for things such as cocktail, carrot cake, apple cake, scones and hard-to-pronounce-its-name French desserts.

So who says you can't learn anything from manga, huh?

2011-07-15T22:28:00.000+08:00

If reincarnation exists, I must be something other than human in my previous life. Because I don't know how to act like a normal person. I feel like running as fast as I could to somewhere far, far away or fly as high as I could. I want to escape. But from what? I don't know.

2011-06-13T12:18:00.000+08:00

Another dream.

I was cycling and got attacked. A friend of mine saved me. I sat there, crying while he tended to me and even tied my shoelaces. He held my hands tightly. I felt so safe. I long knew he harboured feelings for me, but I was adamant not to reciprocate. What should I do, now that he's protecting me like this?

The dream was so sweet. Too bad I had to sit for Medicinal Chemistry at 8.30am! GRRR!! Finals, must you ruin even my make-believe love life?

2011-06-10T20:00:00.000+08:00

Can't wait for exams to end so that I can shop for more books.

On wishlist:

Post-SPM exams = Hell

2011-06-08T23:37:00.000+08:00

Way back in SPM (seems like ages ago), I had enough time to churn out my own facts and rewrite history just to fill up the white spaces in the question paper.

Now?

100 marks in 120 minutes or 120 marks in 120 minutes. It's insane! I never have time to think what's the right answer. Whatever that comes to the mind (correct or not), that is what I write down. Seriously, is this what exam is all about? Are you really testing our knowledge or our ability to withstand stress? I barely have enough time to THINK, what more WRITE down the answers for 120-mark questions in 120 minutes.

I hate exams!! GRRR!!!

2011-06-05T20:22:00.002+08:00

I really would like to write short stories now because I have so many ideas swirling around in my mind. But I can't.

Why?

Final exam! SCREW YOU, FINALS!

Lady in the Garden

2011-06-01T01:01:00.000+08:00

I was dressed in fine, ancient clothes. I came to this beautiful two-story mansion. I remember its beautiful wooden floorboards that I had so much fun running on. What imprinted on my mind most was the house's immaculate gardens that sprawled all around, almost like a maze. Decorations like bamboo gates were abound and the flower bushes were very tall.

I was about to marry the young master of that household. I had lots of fun visiting his home and paying respects to his family - consisting of many relatives living under the same roof. During one of my walks around the estate, I met a wonderful old lady, seemingly senile. She gave me a flower as a token of our first meeting. No one seemed to know her.

What happened later on, I couldn't remember it too well. But I recall running on that wooden floorboards, all the way down to the stairs and bypassing the hallway. I ran into the garden, opening one bamboo gate after another, bypassing my fiance's relatives. Then, finally I met her again. I uncovered the cruel truth behind the family's fortune. As a young lady, she traveled far from her homeland with her husband. She fell sick and soon was diagnosed as being crazy. But it was her family's wealth that enabled her husband to live prosperously. So her disease was kept secret from her faraway family, and she was virtually trapped inside the garden - her existence was unknown to the public.

And then I woke up.

Only Reason

2011-05-25T20:26:00.000+08:00

My grandmother once said: "Our future generation has to live better than their predecessors."

And I truly believe that it is this saying that drives the waves of migration out of China. Were my ancestors treacherous for leaving their homeland? No. All they wanted was to seek a better life elsewhere for the sake of their family. But it is this legacy of theirs that makes me grappling for a place to hold on to. Just because my grandfather, my great-grandparents were immigrants, am I merely a visitor in this land I call home? While their legacy is my history, it shall remain as that. I will not forgive anyone who call them 'traitors'. I will not allow anyone to call me 'pendatang'.

Maybe I don't have what it takes to succeed elsewhere nor the courage to start anew again. This place is home to me forever - and that is the only reason I need to stay.

The Malaysia That Could Have Been

2011-05-24T20:10:00.000+08:00

The late Dato Onn Jaafar once proposed to open up UMNO's membership to all Malayans, regardless of ethnicity. His idea was rejected terribly by his fellow members and that marked the beginning of the end of his political career.

He was indeed a forward-thinking man. Had his vision come true then, what would become of Malaysia now?

One could only dream.

Keep On

2011-05-16T20:06:00.000+08:00

yes, keep on crying your worthless tears when everyone is ahead of you.
yes, keep on running away when even your shadow is larger than you.
yes, keep on looking back when you can't even walk a straight road ahead.
yes, keep on dreaming your dreams when it is a cruel reality you are living in.

-by jacys-

Beck: Movie Review

2011-05-14T09:53:00.000+08:00

I cannot contain my excitement now. The atmosphere, thecrowd and their expression, the lighting and most of all the music… totallyoverwhelmed me. ‘Beck’ the movie is amazing. Sure there are shortcomings hereand there, like the rushed feeling of the movie or the awkward choice of actorsfor minor roles. But ‘Beck’ the movie hit several spots right – with the rightmain actors.

The roles of Taira, Ryuusuke, Saku and Maho were well cast. Theiracting was pretty decent. I am amazed by the resemblance between the manga/animeKoyuki and Takeru Satoh, the actor who played him. The eyes and facialexpression were almost alike, except maybe Takeru Satoh was a little tooskinny. In my opinion, the star who truly shined was Kiritani Kenta who playedChiba. Having watched the anime and read the manga, Chiba wasn’t really myfavourite character. But in the movie, Kiritani Kenta totally became Chiba andhe brought out Chiba’s boundless energy.

The music shines. As usual, Beck’s songs are really good –which is hard to compose, I bet. But composing Belle Ame’s nauseatinglyhorrible music? That is definitely harder to do! Anyways, the music – both the distasteful and the awesome – is done well. Lastly, I was a tad disappointed whenKoyuki’s voice was muted out in the actual movie. WHY? But having finallywatched their Greatful Sound performance, I appreciated the fact that theirmusic was beautiful enough even without vocals. That, maybe the viewers aresupposed to imagine Koyuki’s voice in their heads to bring out the ultimatemovie experience, is what the director has in mind? And how right I was when Iheard the actual version of the song, in which Koyuki’s voice is not muted.Takeru Satoh’s voice falls short of expectation. In a hindsight, I should haveresisted wanting to listen to ‘Koyuki’s voice’ because I feel so disappointedright now.

All in all, I rate this movie 8 out of 10. It has been anenjoyable ride for me, because this adaptation stays true to the manga.

2011-05-08T23:03:00.002+08:00

the webs of lies you weave
entangle me
and yet,
they are the net
that cushions my fall

-untitled-
-by jacys-

:-)

2011-05-03T15:39:00.000+08:00

Initially, when I heard the news, I thought: "This is good! The man who orchestrated Sept 11 attack is dead!"

But as more reports came out of how he was killed and then 'buried at sea' (a.k.a. dumping his body into the ocean), I felt a bit bad for him.

Nonetheless, no matter who he was or what he did in his life, he ought to be given a proper burial - an acknowledgment that he was too, human. If he didn't live as a Muslim, he should as least be buried as one.

Am I weird for thinking this way?

No one has the right to take another person's life. That is what I believe.

Allow me to further expand on this thought. His death should really mean nothing to terrorists out there, for he was just one among many. This is an issue that can hardly be resolved by violence alone.

2011-04-30T00:41:00.000+08:00

We, Malaysians, are too fearful.

When a man walks pastus in a lonely street, we automatically think that he is out to rob or rape us.

We install grills on our doors and windows and build 6-feettall walls around our house.

We, Malaysians, are too cynical.

We think every policeman out there receives bribes.

We believe the government is out to get us.

What can go so wrong in a country?

How can we no longer feel safe in our ownhomes?

How can we become so distrustful?

Wanting and Not Wanting

2011-04-28T23:56:00.000+08:00

I am specifically referring to books, but this can apply to other things in life as well.

I borrowed two books from Curtin Library a month ago - 'The Good Mayor' by Andrew Nicoll and 'The Complete Short Stories' by Guy de Maupassant. I read up to a quarter of the first, and completely forgotten about the second. I have so many books at my disposal, and yet I am trawling the net for more titles to be added to my wishlist.

I am insane, I know.

I have no idea why this is the case. Anyhow, I am going to return them next Monday. At the very least, they will collect dust in the library, and not in my room.

2011-04-26T16:51:00.002+08:00

In an election, we can't choose 'the best'. we can only choose 'the lesser evil'.

Reading Between the Lines

2011-04-24T12:57:00.000+08:00

Girls always have a knack for reading between the lines - no matter if something is there or not.

I remember a few years ago when we were all young 17 year-olds, reading a particular cerpen in Mr. Mano's tuition class. Oh! How we devoured the story! An intergalactic story set in the near-future! Plus there's romance to boot! Or so we thought...

... because Mr. Mano insisted that it was all in our heads and we set out to prove him wrong. But weirdly, we couldn't find any evidence of a budding love between the two main characters the second time we read the story. It was very ego-bruising for us - at least it was for me.

Well, at least we had a good laugh that day.

Only One Life

2011-04-23T15:35:00.000+08:00

I have only one life to live.
That's why choices need to be made and choices let go.

Memorable Scenes

2011-04-22T12:26:00.000+08:00

The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman - The Danse Macabre
Moribito: Guardian of Darkness by Nahoko Uehashi - The second Spear Dance between Balsa and the hyohlu

Sarah Kay's "Love Letter from the Toothbrush to the Bicycle Tire"

2011-04-20T15:52:00.000+08:00

This poem is unbelievably real, despite having inanimate objects as the main characters. Enjoy!

Opposites

2011-04-12T22:52:00.001+08:00

"I need someone to take care of me." That was what she said.

As for me, I just want someone to understand and accept me as I am. We will be the best of friends, hopefully. I want a companion, not a carer.

Her mindset is a bit shocking, because I have always thought her as a very independent person. Maybe it's her age creating cracks in her armor.

It is amazing how different we can be, despite being sisters.

I am not Thomas Alva Edison

2011-04-12T16:24:00.000+08:00

I'm not like him, tirelessly pursuing his goal even though he had failed 99 times before.

There's a Cantonese saying: "Won't you be afraid of the dark if you've seen a ghost before?"

It's exactly that. It's natural for me to be afraid over every little thing once I have a bad experience with it. But how do I overcome fear?

I'm still trying to learn to deal with that part of me every day.

Tribute

2011-04-05T15:23:00.000+08:00

Today, I can't help but think

Of the men and women

Who came before me.

How difficult and strange

Their lives must have been

To a young woman in the 21st century.

That they were able to survive

and create families

Is a miracle indeed.

The thread of blood

that extends

unbroken

now flows in me.

I thank thee

My ancestors.

Rest in peace.

2011-04-04T23:07:00.002+08:00

Roam free,
and you are lost.

Stay still,
and you shall be safe.

Dust

2011-04-04T21:07:00.000+08:00

Do not disturb
the dust of memories
it settles like snow
covers like mist
clouds our vision

Do not disturb
the dust of memories
for it is the ultimate illusion

Honours Program: to apply or not apply?

2011-04-01T22:09:00.000+08:00

Received an email from the school. Apparently, I am qualified to apply for Honours program. The key word here is 'apply'. Students will have to sit for a written test and a round of interview before being whittled down to a select few. Although I once boldly said I would not apply for it, I am actually two-minds about it.

Why?

The notion of being 'special', of course. Honours students are probably the cream of the crop. They have access to more school facilities, work closely with their supervisors and write a thesis which hopefully will end up in well-established journals for academics to read. They are treated specially compared to the majority of their peers who spend the rest of the fourth year doing rotation.

But I have to ask myself again and again, so that I won't make another mistake that I will regret. (Typing in my thoughts is one way to reaffirm my own thinking.) Will I be happy doing it? Is research really my strength? Is this what I really want? A lot of times I confuse 'fear' with 'dislike'. Because of that, I shun away from opportunities. Because of a lack of courage, I give up things that I like to do.

Honestly, I am afraid of doing research, afraid of screwing up. But I also think being out there in the real world would help me so much more. Maybe rotation will help me build up my confidence. And I am looking forward (albeit with a bit of apprehension mixed in) to different places for fourth year placements - hospital, community pharmacy, specialised health centres etc. I am not sure what choices are there for practical training but I think I want to diversify my experiences.

I don't want to play along with choices anymore. I want to make informed decisions that are in line with my desires. This is what I aim to do in my life from now on. No more 'let's see how it goes' or 'if I get the offer, I'll just do it'. Sometimes, small decisions can really make or break your life. And how do I know this? Because I have been there, done that and now living it.

Dear friends, I won't apply for honours. Thank you for reading this. =)

Sincerely,
jacys

A Fragmented Dream

2011-03-30T20:17:00.001+08:00

Had another awesome dream last night. Unfortunately, I can't remember it in a coherent manner.

A family of four - father, mother and their two young sons - went on a trip. The weather turned bad. They were supposed to head home. But their ship/boat was caught in the eye of the storm and sank in the river/sea. The boys survived but their parents perished. They were sent to their grandfather's place. Fast forward a few years. Somehow, the boys weren't staying with their grandfather anymore. They ran away from him and he didn't look for them. Fast forward a few scenes. A girl (presumably the older brother's friend) persuaded him to forgive his grandfather (why? I am not sure). They reunited with their grandfather. And they lived happily ever after. The end.

I know this story seems really pointless. But somehow I am intrigued by the amount of detail in it. The traditional Malay kite, Wau, also played an important part . It was mentioned in my dream that the family stayed at sea for months, watching the movement of the wau. And apparently, it is a fact that ancient coastal Malays used waus to help them catch fish. And in my dream, the setting was in a fishing village.

Maybe unconsciously, I had used the bits of info that I knew about the wau and transformed them into a beautiful but fragmented dream. Too bad I can't remember it that well. =)

Still Me

2011-03-29T20:23:00.000+08:00

No matter where I am, I am still known as a 'walking dictionary'. "Hey, what's the meaning of this?" or "Can you help me check my assignment?"

I am still the person to approach when someone needs to borrow something. "Can I borrow your pen?" or "Did you bring SUSMP?"

It is not a bad thing to be needed by someone, even for small matters like this. Some things just don't change. :)

A gift to myself: Uehashi-sensei's works!

2011-03-28T22:27:00.001+08:00

After days of deliberating silently in my mind, I made a bold decision to order books from The Book Depository. The deal-breaker is really my bad month here, ever since I return to Curtin. Nothing is particularly terrible, but I feel terrible. I need retail therapy!

So, the books are:

Moribito: Guardian of the Spirit
Moribito: Guardian of the Darkness
Dragon Sword and Wind Child

The first two books are written by Uehashi-sensei. Although I had watched the anime adaptation before, I'd love to read the real deal. The last book in that list is another famous work by another Japanese writer. It is also in the same vein as Moribito. I can't wait to read them! Please arrive safely! *desperately praying*

Moribito: Guardian of the Darkness - second novel in Moribito series

Moribito: Guardian of the Spirit - the first novel in the Moribito series

Dragon Sword and Wind Child - the first book in the Jade Trilogy

Anyway, in a somewhat related topic, I realised that all the Moribito and Jade Trilogy series are not completely translated into English. And that is bad! Now that would be a good motivation to learn Japanese!

Come on, Mr Brain! Think!!

2011-03-28T17:22:00.000+08:00

Trust me to screw up a compounding lab even when we are only supposed to be mixing stuff up. Pretty easy for everyone - but not me! Wrong bottle size, wrong aliquot statement, making up to the wrong volume (just tipped it out and pretended everything's fine), being a slowpoke as always...

My mind is always wandering off somewhere in its perfect little world and leaves me clueless in this hell-hole. Come back or else I will make more mistakes! Sobs.

Note to Self #1

2011-03-26T23:04:00.000+08:00

In the event I may want to be married and have a child (god forbid!), if it is a girl, I should not call her "Stemi". STEMI means 'ST-segment elevation myocardial infarction'. In laymen terms, it is called a 'heart attack'.

Demon

2011-03-20T10:48:00.012+08:00

A small boy of about 10 years of age cycles around town - freely, happily - when his mother manages to catch him. With a stern voice, she hauls him back to the house. He pouts and runs around the house. He blames his mother for stifling his freedom. He blames his mother for constantly nagging him.

With a click, the door opens and his father enters. His mother orders the boy to take his shower and he politely obliges. He goes down to the lower floor, where the bathroom is. An argument soon ensues between his parents. The father possibly has another woman in his life. He wants a divorce. But the mother refuses to leave.

The focus shifts to a little shadow on the wall near the staircase. He hears the whole thing even though he doesn't mean to.

Who is the demon now?

This was a dream I had this morning. It felt like a movie based on that boy's life - which is very odd, because I often dream of people I know.

Inevitabilities of Self

2011-03-14T23:20:00.000+08:00

I am not alone, in thinking that my choice of a career is a wrong one. There we were, three of us, waiting for compounding lab to start when we started this particular conversation. We talked about what we really wanted to study, what led us down this path.

I sounded like I was blaming my parents at some point. No, the choice was made by me alone. I remembered telling my father that I would try to apply for a scholarship. A part of me wanted to relieve his burdens. A part of me also wanted to prove that I could amount to something, just because I heard a similar promise from my eldest sister when she was my age. She never did fulfill her promise and in a way, I was trying to be like her.

But being an Asian kid, there are unwritten rules to follow. The invisible threads of familial expectations slowly trap you in their web. I know I couldn't apply for art stream or something frivolous as creative writing or ambiguous like language studies. I know my parents would be worried and forbid me, because I know they would. It is that simple.

A huge part of me wanted people to take notice of me. Being ordinary in appearance, it is easy for people to overlook me. And by accepting the scholarship offer changed the way I was treated. I was treated specially, and my extended family thinks I am really smart. The dinners and the angpows were all the perks that came along with the notion of 'studying abroad'. Yes, it is also because of the eyes of so many people watching me, I can't back out easily now.

I too wanted to leave my hometown. It was an unhappy place, I thought. Living there my whole life, I only remember the bad things. I wanted to run away from myself and my mistakes, reinvent myself somewhere else. All too soon, I realise I am wrong. The flaw lies not in the place, but in me. I may run, with the wind blowing all my troubles away, but as soon as I stop, they all come back to haunt me.

I admit that I regret my decision. If I could turn back time, I would choose another path instead. Because this isn't what I really wanted. I wished for it, but it doesn't satisfy me. In a way, you can say I am a greedy and ungrateful person. But most of all, I regret not having confidence in myself. I am chiding myself for not being brave enough to see through to my heart's innermost intentions. I am afraid - always afraid - of what people think when they look at me. Their condescending eyes would criticise me. Their whispering voices would mock me. I wasn't and isn't brave enough to break through all the barriers that boxed me in. I simply am not courageous enough to be true to myself.

I am who I am and what I am because of the person I was, the person I am and the decisions that I made. Where and who will I be in the future? Only time will tell. What's certain is, my future self is already in the making and it cannot be stopped.

Six Steps to Happiness

2011-03-13T09:01:00.015+08:00

I came across an article in an old edition of Reader's Digest, which dates back to almost 30 years ago. It tells the story of a woman who stumbled upon her late great-aunt's diary in her attic. At one time, her great-aunt was feeling down and depressed. One day, she ultimately designed a set of simple rules to help her be happy.

These are the six steps:

1) Do something for yourself.

2) Do something for another person.

3) Do something that needs to be done (even if you hate it).

4) Do a physical activity (for example, brisk walking).

5) Do a mental activity (reading, anyone?).

6) Pray for someone sincerely.

I find these rules to be really simple and easy to remember. The activities don't have to be time-consuming, as long as it is meaningful. I guess these rules work for both women because they do not allow them to brood on the past nor the future. Maybe by focusing on the tasks keep them busy from thinking depressing thoughts.

I haven't tried them at all, but I just thought they are awesome enough to share them with other people. If you find these rules to be really useful, just drop me a line. :-)

From,
A founding member of The Depressed Sisterhood

2011-03-09T20:29:00.000+08:00

Friends who make you feel at ease with their easy-going and happy-go-lucky personalities are true gems.

If you are one, you rock my world. :)

2011-03-05T23:41:00.002+08:00

Definitely, life seems a little less bad if we have something to do to occupy our depressed minds.

2011-02-14T13:27:00.000+08:00

Attended a family reunion (father's side) lunch in Pudu. It was quite fun, not boring as I expected it to be. Probably because there was a karaoke set in the dining room my great-aunt booked. While the adults dined and talked, we kids (or should I say teens and young adults) fiddled with the song selections and sang a few numbers. I surprised myself by singing the first few verses of 'A Whole New World'. I had no idea what my relatives thought of my 'performance' but I hope they were not annoyed by it!

Love needs effort

2011-01-21T03:12:00.001+08:00

I've just finished watching a Japanese movie called 'Christmas on July 24th Avenue". This is what I learnt from it:

"What flowers will grow, although I didn't sow any seeds? Will I pass the test, although I didn't take it? Will I get a fortune, although I didn't buy a lottery ticket?"

2010-12-05T14:32:00.000+08:00

thinking.negotiating.eventuallydeciding.
Now the joke's on me.

2010-12-04T18:17:00.000+08:00

is studying in Australia what I really wanted or it is just to satisfy my ego?

2010-11-30T23:48:00.000+08:00

i have a fear of meeting people. i try my best to avoid them, as much as i could. i know i am weird that way. =(

Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

2010-11-29T02:50:00.000+08:00

okay, i may be a tad too outdated in saying this, but... OMG! IT IS A MUST-WATCH, PEOPLE! WATCH IT BEFORE YOU DIE!

even if you had watched the first FMA anime series before, it doesn't matter. both stories are different. the mangaka is really talented, to be able to think out such a detailed and well-developed plot. almost all characters are likeable... i even sympathised with the bad guys. so...

GO WATCH IT!

life's mystery...

2010-11-19T12:22:00.000+08:00

why did i choose pharmacy?

letting things fall onto the wayside...

2010-11-15T23:19:00.000+08:00

If only I didn’t break down at that moment, would things have been different among us? The accumulation of jealousy, resentment and frustration over the past year just became too much for me to bear, when her words stung, as if she was the only one hurt and had to do the inevitable. Then again, wasn’t I the inconsiderate one because I cried and made her look like the villain? Because I cried, I looked like I was the victim. And because I already made up my mind first, it seemed like I was the one having to make tough decisions. But, my thoughts about the issue were all blurred up by the tears and anger. Now, I am not sure if I was right or wrong. Should I apologise or not?

Even if I was wrong, I would not apologise because my pride won’t allow it. ‘Sorry’ is the most difficult thing to say. Even so, apologising is also a tough thing NOT to do. Currently I have to bear with the air of awkwardness, as if things aren’t awkward already between us. I always think both of us being similar in some ways; like how we aren’t very friendly to other people unless they make the first move. What we think about certain issues is quite similar too. She may not even realise it, but I do. Sometimes being too similar leads to clash of personalities… which really did happen.

In a way, I was being unfair to her because I lashed out partly due to my own resentment and jealousy. I feel so inferior to her. After years of being compared to everyone else in the family and circle of friends, in my mind I automatically compare myself to the people I meet. My immense inferiority complex nearly broke a few friendships (guess who, people… they could be you), but I was lucky enough that my friends hold onto the strings and never did vocalise their feelings so much; or else our friendships would have ended already. But with her? I think things will just break apart slowly, primarily because our relationship is that built on circumstances.

I think I also have to apologise to other friends too. I wonder if my rash decision to split up the group is really something they even like? They are all nice people, so I don’t know what their exact thoughts are because they are not keen on making others feel uneasy. But knowing myself, I can’t apologise to them because, well, ‘sorry is really the hardest word’. I can’t say it out of the blue like it is something normal in our friendships, because it isn’t.

To friends who are reading this, and think that you are implied in this story, I want to say: ‘Sorry’. I am so sorry for making your life difficult sometimes, because I was jealous of you. At some point in our friendship, I really did resent you because you had something that I didn’t. I am still learning to keep my ugly feelings to a minimum. And who says everyone is born good?

waste

2010-11-11T13:56:00.000+08:00

too much water
too much salt
too much heat
rice becomes porridge
with a burnt aftertaste.

it's all gone to waste.

2010-11-11T00:38:00.002+08:00

just charging ahead like a mad bull towards the red cloth, in a Spanish bullfight. that is all i know now.

Do You Feel by Rocket Summer

2010-11-08T00:59:00.000+08:00

I'm thinking 'bout other things I heard about today
All this week and tomorrow
And how these hands can create some better things for bettering
but you see for now I got my own things
I can't help it
I got too many issues I own
So I cannot help I'm afraid, yeah
But keep on preaching, preaching and heal the world
Lip service makes us look great

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things I guess

I guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
Sometimes I convince myself
that all this fight in the world
It's not mine
Why should I
have to try
to fix things I didn't create or contrive

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have so many things

Have the habits
Had you
Has it been for long
Can you feel the souls behind what's going on

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Cause we all have so many things
And I can get past these things

Ohh

*Thank you Avery Bryce for writing this song. It sums up how I feel about the world and the issues around me... wanting to do something, and yet bogged down by my own life.*

To listen to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw1kJ4c9udE

2010-11-07T11:37:00.000+08:00

It wasn't too long ago that I dreamt of backpacking around the world. I hope to see the great historical and cultural sites that I read in books and encyclopaedias.

But reality is always very far from fantasy. Right now, if you asked me to do so, I would shake my head vigourously and say no. I understand I am a person of contradictory personalities. I want to be spontaneous, outgoing and brave, but I am not. Maybe I am just afraid of changing my routine, just for the sake of experiencing something different. Maybe I am just, well, afraid.

I hope the time will come, for me to throw all inhibitions to the wind, and just embark on that great big adventure I have always dreamed of.

All I Have by Rocket Summer

2010-11-05T21:19:00.000+08:00

Everybody is hurting, everybody knows it.
are you trying to stop it, everyone's watching,
what are you gonna do.
Are you trying to stop it, everyone's watching.
everyone is conversing, everyone's listening.

They were apart, her was apart,
and she was part of it.
Oh, falling apart, is anyone watching,
is anyone listening, are we listening.

And all I have is all of me,
and it's all that I can give.
Our disappointed hearts will heal,
our hearts will spill over you,
over you over me, over this

Oh, they never knew,
they never knew what you're going through.
Because you got everybody thinking
there's nothing wrong with you.
And you fall apart, because you felt apart,
and they were part of it. Oh falling apart,
is anyone watching,
is anyone listening, are you listening.

And all I have is all of me,
and it's all that I can give.
Our disappointed hearts will heal,
our hearts will spill over you,
over you over me, over this

On dark and stormy days somewhere it's glowing.
And even though I know I'm here,
I know I'm going,
you never stop, you just collide,
collapse onto your side.
So rise and make it right.

And all I have is all of me,
and it's all that I can give.
Our disappointed hearts will heal,
our hearts will spill over you,
over you over me, over this

2010-11-05T00:24:00.000+08:00

i am not doing anything to solve the predicament i am in, and yet i am feeling so angry about it. i am so disgusted with myself, for only complaining to any pitiful ear that is ready to listen.

i've ran out avenues to rant, to complain. i want to be home - a place where i can get angry as much as i want and still be forgiven for it, a place where i can shout and scream and still be tolerated for it, a place where i can be myself - happy or sad, nice or bad.

how to stop being jealous?

2010-11-04T19:57:00.000+08:00

because i am so greedy, i don't know how.

Live:eviL

2010-10-31T22:48:00.000+08:00

i live, so i am evil.

i know it all along that my actions and thoughts are unkind, bad.

i definitely am not an angel.

Dreaming of Big Cats

2010-10-31T22:14:00.000+08:00

Today is the second time I had dreamt of big cats like lions and tigers. In my dreamland, they were humongous and really bloodthirsty. I remembered feeling so afraid for my life, trying to hide and huddle in one corner because the creatures were out to tear humans into several pieces. *gulp*

What do they mean? I really want to know. But I wish my handsome pilot is back to haunt my dreams instead.

don't EVER teach old dogs new tricks

2010-10-27T12:25:00.000+08:00

'Cos the old dog may very well scare the hell out of you!

Just received a forwarded email from Dad, entitled "The Red Dot Therapy" - containing a series of exercises supposedly to prevent Alzheimer. I was like, "What the heck, might as well try it..."

I went on, clicking every single red dot I could find in all of the Powerpoint slides when a photo of a hideous zombie popped out of nowhere - sound effects and all!! (=_=lll)

I should have known not to trust forwarded emails, even from good ol' Daddy.

Anyway, it reminded me: "HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!"

Little Boy

2010-10-24T01:37:00.002+08:00

The little boy, not any higher than my waist, plays with his other little friends on the playground. I sit back and watch the scene unfolds before my eyes.

He is a little taller than the rest, and that makes him stand out. His soft black hair sways gently in the wind as he runs, dribbling the ball in front of him. Needless to say, I am drawn to the soft features of his face - his long eyelashes, so unlike mine; the bright eyes that are browner than his peers. He breaks into a hearty smile whenever he's happy, exposing the gap between his front teeth. He is the most perfect little boy there is.

As I watch them get down and dirty with the sand and mud, I am slowly lost in my own thoughts. "Kring! Kring!" The familiar bell comes again. And the groups of kids on the playground - girls and boys alike - disperse and begin to approach the old man. I smile and notice how good his timing is, that pragmatic businessman of an ice-cream seller.

The little boy comes running to me. His cherubic face is covered in sweat. His hands hold on to mine. We share the same skin colour. "Who is your father?" Increasingly the question finds its way into my mind.

But the same question escapes me again, when he asks: "Mummy, can I have an ice-cream?"

sorry, it's me. not you.

2010-10-24T00:54:00.000+08:00

That is one of the worst break-up lines ever. Or so says 'How I Met Your Mother'.

Honestly, that is what I feel sometimes about friendships that fall apart over time. Our relationships are great when we are together. We do the same things and share the same experiences. But as time goes on, we all need to find our own path in life. We all go our separate ways, eventually.

And when it comes down to that, the dynamics of the relationship changes. We hardly hang out together and do the same stuff. Neither do we experience the same things or share the same friends. We all eventually live our own lives. It is difficult to maintain a friendship at this point, because it is increasingly difficult to relate to one another.

That is why I sometimes let friendships fall apart. It is a bit of laziness on my part, as well as loneliness. I feel lazy to reach out to people. I also feel lonely whenever I cannot talk to a friend in the same way I did before.
I am the kind of person that is really difficult to be friends with. I am not easy to approach. I do not open my heart easily to anyone. And I let things fall apart faster than they are being built.

Friends can be strangers too, eventually.

When that comes, the problem is not you. It is me.

Wish List

2010-10-23T14:34:00.000+08:00

I want a digital camera! Xmas sale, please come soon!!

Moving Out... Levelling up!

2010-10-22T19:08:00.000+08:00

It's official. My application to continue staying in Vickery House is rejected. I have to move out next year... to someplace that is not under the bridge. Haha.

I guess moving out is one of those things everyone has to do at least once in their life, just for independence's sake (even though I would still have roomies). In a sense, we all have to 'level-up' in this game of Life.

Studying someplace far from home? Check.
Cooking my own four square meals every day? Check.
Do laundry all by myself? Check.
Travel someplace without parents? Check.

The next stuff on my list would be moving out off-campus and drive a car all by myself. I need to relearn driving this summer. Must.Do.It.Can't.Procrastinate.Can't.Back.Out.Even.Though.I'm.A.Coward!

Unsafe

2010-10-16T22:30:00.001+08:00

*prick*

the safe bubble of the world i grew up was shattered when i was 16. bad things have happened before and always will be, but it never occured to me that they would hit close to home.

it was about 6 in the morning. it was still quite dark. my brother, like the dutiful son he always is, opened the back door to light the incense at the altar outside. he spotted a dark figure, peering into the window of our bathroom. my mom was just out from the bathroom while i already went in, getting ready for school. my brother alerted my mother. i heard loud shouts coming from Mimmy, like she was shooing a dog away. and the peeping tom ran away.

i cannot see anything outside from the bathroom (our windows are glazed - is that the word?), which is why i am convinced he cannot see anything that morning. but that doesn't quell my fear. the peeping tom's act doesn't scare me as much as the fact that i feel so unsafe in my own home. for the longest time, i would stare at the bathroom window, just to make sure that no one's there. the only reprieve that year was at a camp; the bathrooms are all on the first floor.

ever since then, a few things have hit closer to home. some punks on motorbikes went around molesting girls. a group of scumbags attempted to kidnap a friend's brother. all this happened in the residential area where i still live. and just now, i received news of a rape-murder case in the very town i grew up in. a 16 year-old girl was found naked and dead in a drain in an oil palm estate. and to think that hours before her death, she was attending tuition classes in town - just like any other high schooler.

we would always remember the exact moment, the exact manner in which our safe bubble of a world disappears. it is the feeling of being unsafe, being unprotected that scares the daylight out of me - not the perpetrator, not the crime itself.

despite the bad things, we all move on but that doesn't mean we forget.

PS: dear friends, please take care of yourselves. be on high alert always and always. LOVE YOU ALL.

to the scumbags/lowlife/jerks/criminals out there, you all deserve to die. not the poor girl lying dead in the drain.

PPS: when i get my own house, i will make sure there's a bathroom on first floor. peeping toms can come if they dare, 'cos i hope they will fall down and die!

IDIOCY: the national plague

2010-10-16T01:26:00.001+08:00

http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/malaysia/article/2011-budget-big-malaysia-is-back/

Malaysians should read this and be mad!

Why is it that our government, which is running on deficit budget, intends to spends so much on mega projects that the average person does not need?

Among the most outrageous projects proposed in Budget 2011: a RM5billion 100-storey tower smack in between Stadium Negara and the historic Stadium Merdeka. As if KL needs another concrete skyscraper! As if we have RM5 billion to spend on a useless, white-elephant of a tower! Where is all the money coming from anyway? Oh... maybe the future earnings from the proposed casino in Sabah?

And oh, RM43 billion KL MRT project is another mega project in the pipeline. Previous experiences have shown that such projects to be unviable - creating only massive traffic jams, noise and pollution during construction. And our dear PM said that he is not a 'saudagar mimpi' (dream merchant). Yeah, right... if our government isn't that, what is it then? Plunderer of the nation's coffers? Ali Baba? Robin Hood for the wealthy?

King of Anything by Sara Bareilles

2010-10-13T10:11:00.000+08:00

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for your time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe
Oh oh
Ah

I love Sara Bareilles! I like her lyrics - so honest, and sometimes sarcastic. The parts in bold are all my favourites. Sums up my feelings whenever I am pissed off.
I also noticed that although her songs (this one and 'Love Song') project the image of a strong, opiniated woman, there's at least a verse in each song which gives off the feeling of vulnerability.

2010-10-09T22:55:00.000+08:00

this is one of those times when i feel so mad that i have no idea why. i am so peeved by every single little annoying thing that's happening in my damn life.

this is one of those times when i wish the whole world hates me, so that i can hate them back. oh yeah baby! so that i can shout and scream and curse the world with bad bad foul words.

last-minute-craziness

2010-10-05T01:25:00.000+08:00

why do i like to do last minute work so much?

why do i put the pursuit of pleasure above homework?

despite being hard-pressed for time, i still want to do a good job. why is that?

what's uni life about if it is not about cram study or last minute assignments? oh wait, that describes my secondary school life too! i guess some things just don't change.

exactly 7 days to go!

2010-09-29T22:30:00.002+08:00

... to the deadline of Biochem assignment, that is!

*breathes deeply* *exhale*

I can do this! I am an amazing last-minuter!!

price of independence

2010-09-27T21:31:00.000+08:00

How do I choose?

I like the way they stop by my bed and give me a soft pat or a peck on my forehead. Those gestures make me feel like a little kid again. I like the way they hold my hand when we ride the bus or train, the way they show their concern when they said: "Oh, your hands are so cold!" and rub my palms between theirs.

But I also like my own independence.

i'm not an angel

2010-09-18T14:55:00.000+08:00

2010-09-10T09:44:00.000+08:00

*blows smoke off rifle*

*loads it up again*

twe tests down, another two to go. ;)

i pity you

2010-09-04T03:28:00.000+08:00

Recessional by Vienna Teng

2010-09-04T02:24:00.000+08:00

Who are you, taking coffee, no sugar?
Who are you, echoing street signs?
Who are you, the stranger in a shell of a lover?
Dark curtains drawn by the passage of time...

This is my current ear-worm - a tune that keeps playing in my ears (something new I learnt from my housemate, Karen!). Somehow I am drawn to that particular verse. I cannot sing enough praise for Vienna. She makes me fall in love with her songs when I least expect to. I can't even pick a single favourite song out of her extensive repertoire.

2010-09-02T13:28:00.011+08:00

"I love you." He says it with such an earnest expression. His eyes a world deep, and more.

What follows is silence. It hangs heavy in the air. I don't know what to say. My heart is racing, beyond its ability. Blood just rushes through my veins, all the way down to my feet. Oh my god, what should I do?

"I love you too."

The kiss comes, bathing in the warm sunlight that streams from the high windows. Everything around me spins, as I turn around and begin to back away. Running as fast as my numb feet can carry me, tears roll down my cheeks.

For the other voice is not mine.

2010-08-29T10:10:00.000+08:00

ah, how bittersweet the taste of jealousy. the happiness of finding out about her small measure of success is marred by the bitter aftertaste of sadness for my pathetic self. no wonder i feel trapped in this body. i have never grown at all, neither physically nor emotionally. and i wonder if i have what it takes to be someone great, amazing. am i destined for a life of mediocrity?

the dreams that i have buried within the garden of my heart are probably never quite mine. because i don't have the courage or determination to make them come true. i am floating in this flow of life. doing what everyone does and living a life just like everyone else's.

it is puzzling as to how much i have given up on my past, just to catch a glimpse into the future, but only to find myself struggling to gain a firm ground in the present. how everything is mine but never mine. i am at loss of what to do with myself. the feeling of helplessness is like a constant mist around me. it is only briefly gone, blown away by the wind when i continue running in this path of life. but it loyally comes back when i stand still.

Malaysia's moment in time

2010-08-28T20:38:00.000+08:00

It is all over the media now. Sensitive issues such as racism, that is. Some people view this new development with fear. They are afraid of the consequences that may follow - things like May 13 or Kampung Baru incident, for example. For me, I think it is a good development. Problems that plague us as a nation should be aired out in the public, debated and discussed, instead of being swept up under the carpet. It would be worse to have a nation of citizens apathetic to politics and current issues. It would be worse to have a community that is so unwilling to speak out against issues that matter.

I guess it cannot be helped that people are leaving in droves to emigrate to other countries when our very own is becoming like this. Instead of staying back and fight, they choose to give up. I don't really blame them but I feel very sad.

I believe that the day will come when we think of this period of 'social unrest' as another beginning for our country, and not the end.

PS: I also hope that the day will come for ex-Malaysians to regret their decision to leave the country.
To all the people who think that the Chinese should go back to China and the Indians should go back to India: The more you want me to leave, the more I want to stay. I really want to be an eyesore to people like you!

2010-08-24T11:11:00.000+08:00

...like small kids whispering secrets to each other, as they are preparing to sleep.
...like a young couple in love, clasping each other's hands all the way.

i enjoy observing old couples in Perth. the elderly husband pushes his wife's trolley. they go out to buy groceries together. they take a leisurely walk in the park. in those small gestures, their love for one another just flows through and strike a chord in me.

i look at them, and then i often think: 'with so much love going around, the world probably isn't too bad.' then, i think of their kids and why they are not helping their parents out with the groceries. i feel the need to help them somewhat, because they remind me of my own grandparents. it's very strange, considering that i am not really close to my grandparents. maybe it's the guilt kicking in.

to be able to find someone you love and he loves you back,
and stay together until each of you turns old and grey,
is nothing short of a miracle.

drawing therapy

2010-08-17T02:06:00.000+08:00

i can hear you groan: 'oh no! another one?'. haha.

initially, i wanted her hair to be long and flowing freely in the wind. but somehow, her face doesn't quite match that. so i gave her a ponytail instead - which totally screams: 'schoolgirl!!'.

The world today is so depressing

2010-08-16T19:43:00.000+08:00

This is what I get from reading the news - DEPRESSION.

Sad things are happening in Malaysia. Looks like I am not the only one who noticed the rise in sexual crimes in recent years. Nor will I be the last one who thinks baby-dumping is plain murder. Racist politics is polluting our country again.

A part of me wants to go back to Malaysia and punch the guilty party into an unrecognisable mass of pulp. But I know that is not feasible.

drawing again!

2010-08-12T21:22:00.000+08:00

this is similar to something i drew back in secondary school. her hair looks like seaweed...

copied this from 'Boy in the World' cover. :P

Money is everything

2010-08-10T23:38:00.000+08:00

In Malaysia (or everywhere else, for that matter), money is king.
Money can give you political power. It also works the other way around in Malaysia.
Money can certainly buy you fame.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it can certainly buy lots of stuff to make you happy.

No wonder two nights ago, I dreamt that I won a million dollar lottery.

Kansas by Vienna Teng: my interpretation

2010-08-07T22:40:00.000+08:00

i've been humming 'Kansas' by Vienna Teng all week - in the bus, to classes, between lectures. her songs are so full of imagery. to me, they feel like snapshots of someone's life. each song tells a story.

I lay down in sheets suddenly worn threadbare
Every wall I lean on transforms to sliding doors and thin air
Well I hope yours is kinder
Let go of this when you find her

and i like this particular verse, especially the second line. i could see a woman (or girl) falling backward when the solid red brick wall she leans on fades away into nothing. she's lost an important person, who once supported her and gave her strength and stability.

Bury this hard
Down underneath your white canvas
Our houses of cards
Flat on the table like Kansas

and this verse suggests that she wants her ex-lover to move on. the white canvas symbolises a new beginning, a clean slate. she also implied that their relationship was fragile like 'houses of cards' and it has now ended.

It's not regret
Just an unexpected accounting of debts
Only now called
No it's not regret
Just remembrance is all
Of how close we had come
The war almost won
But I sent up our flag and moved on

she sings of her failed relationship, and yet she is saying: 'no, i am not regretting the way we turn out'. she is merely recalling the past - of how close they were to building a solid future, but difficulties encountered along the way made her gave up. this verse also suggests that she was the one who ended the relationship first.

i am tickled by Vienna's descriptions of Kansas. to her, it represents hopelessness. however, if i remember correctly, Joanna once mentioned in her Facebook status that she loves the vast blue sky of Kansas. hmmm, vast blue sky does give a very happy feel, don't you think so? and i remembered 3 years ago when Joanna announced she was going to study music there, Yan Qi (or was it Vern?) said this in response: "Oh when you mention Kansas, i imagine dried leaves being blown across the ground." (forgive me if this is not entirely correct... my memory is not very reliable after all.)

so, everyone has their own perception of Kansas? anyway, that is not what i wanted to say here. the point is, i love this song. i wish to find more songs like it and discover more musicians like Vienna.

the old buildings story

2010-08-06T23:09:00.000+08:00

walking along the sidepaths in the city at night was a wonderful experience.

my eyes were attracted a couple of old buildings. peering into the glass for a moment revealed empty rooms with peeled walls and floor of dirt, big cylindrical pipes and wires were hanging haphazardly from the ceilings. simply put, those buildings were either in the middle of renovation or disrepair.

despite being so, i felt so much character reverberating from them. are you going to be born anew? or are you just fading into oblivion? those are the questions i would like to ask the walls - if only they could talk.

bits and pieces of my mind

2010-08-04T23:45:00.001+08:00

these were written over the past year. somehow along the way, i stopped myself from publishing them on my blog. since i am so bored now, might as well let them see the light of the day.

15/2/10
Although my paternal grandma passed on last September, Chinese New Year is still being celebrated in our house. Dad is giving away angpows as usual. Decorations and red lanterns are up too.

Our family has been doing away with lots of old traditions and taboos, and we have to thank my late grandparents for this. They were the pioneers in our family; simplifying tedious rituals and getting rid of taboos.
I never once stepped on the cemetery land to visit the graves of my ancestors. My late grandparents were cremated and their ashes scattered out at sea. We don't have their graves to pay respects to during Cheng Beng. We just prayed at home. It is the thought that counts, right?
With their deaths, the circle has been broken; we no longer need to return to our 'ancestral' home for reunion dinner. This year marks the first Chinese New Year I celebrate wholly in TI. Our reunion dinner was a modest affair. We ate as a family....

5/2/10
Last week, I went to MPH and splurged RM99.20 on four books (3 fantasy, 1 manga).

Then, my sis asked: "Why do you like reading so much?"
The pertinent question here should be directed to you: "Why don't you like reading?"

14/12/09
Travelling in Malaysian highways is fun. Except paying toll, that is.

I love to sit in the back seat, with my siblings (this time around, only my brother) and Dad driving, Mom sleeping although she is supposed to be the co-driver.
Singing along to songs on the radio or my brother's Taylor Swift CD, watching the scenery as we zip through the highway at 110kmph, on lookout for mahogany trees (they are purple in colour!) or birds (spotted two eagles on two separate occasions)...
Back when I was still a kid, I used to be able to imagine various things out of the clouds in the blue sky - dragons, peoples, monsters etc. I would point them out, and asked my siblings if they could see the same things, and very often they could. Those moments were the highlights of my childhood memories. This time around, I find that I could no longer see them anymore. Maybe I lost my imaginative power, or I simply have grown up.
But increasingly, there is this overwhelming feeling of needing to reach out to those scenes

1/10/09
To Father Time,
Daddy retired two weeks ago.

And I am already 20.
Some of my friends also started to have boyfriends... if one of them suddenly announces their engagement and invites me to her wedding ceremony, I won’t be surprised. =)
I have been here, at Perth for almost 8 months now and there’s 60-odd days left to the journey back to Land of Glorious Food, Balmy Weather but Horrible Politicians – Malaysia.
Father Time, I know I am a horrible person for twisting your mind around. At times, I want you to walk slower, because I need to enjoy my holidays.
Sometimes, I want you to walk faster, so that I can go back to TI as soon as possible.I am so difficult to please, eh? I know. I know. Sorry.
I can remember the days when I was still a little kid, basking in the sunlight under the shady mango tree in my grandma’s house – an attempt to make myself look darker. (Since I was already teased for my dark complexion, I might as well make myself darker... that was what I thought.)
I can still remember the days in primary school, when it was monsoon season and the school grounds would be flooded with water. During that time of the year, I would bring an extra pair of slippers to school, in anticipation of floods. Sometimes we would be able to see an eel swimming around in the murky waters, or a crab. Or we would stand at the corridor; looking out at our school padang and it looked like a sawah padi. Glorious scenery, I would say.
I can still remember my first day in secondary school. We were all assembled in the canteen - all jam-packed against each other, being nervous and excited at the same time. That time, 5 years studying in one place seemed like forever and now, it seems like it never happened at all.
Father Time, people often say: Time heals. Now I could say that it is quite true. Because of you, the only place I had so wanted to run away from - now turns out to be the only place I want to return to.
Time flies. Or maybe it is just me... who is blind to your presence.

Boy in the World by Niall Williams

2010-08-03T21:56:00.002+08:00

The story (from the blurb): J is a boy on the brink of adulthood. He discovers for the first time that his unknown father may still be alive and runs away from his small Irish village. His journey leads him to unpredictable dangers. J's upbringing by his remarkable grandfather had led him to trust the goodness of the world. But the events, some perplexing, some violent, he encounters on his journey, make him doubt his beliefs and his apparent ability to avert disaster for those he's with make him question his own identity.

My thoughts on this novel: Brilliantly written. It reads like a movie. Even though the language is descriptive, it is never boring. In my opinion, the story is magical because it is peppered with miracles (you could call them, coincidences) that give the unknowing J hope in times of despair.

Interesting quotes from this novel:
"It's called Pascal's Gamble, or Wager. And it goes like this. If you don't know whether God exists or not, you can look at the best bet. If you live your life believing that he exists and you are wrong, you have lost nothing, but have lived a life of goodness. If you live your life believing that he does not exist and you are wrong, then in the end you would have to face him and the possibility of displeasure at the life you have led. So the best bet is to believe that he does. Because logically it's the best thing to do. You have the least to lose." -Bridget-

"Things do not stop although one person's heart breaks. Who even hears it?" -Master-