Emo Me >.<

If there’s one very important thing I learnt from ‘Criminal Minds’, it would be this: The bedroom is an externalisation of oneself.

I think that is quite true for me. When this semester first started, I cleaned my room thoroughly – wiping, vacuuming and throwing all the unwanted junk. It was neat, after a hard day’s work.

Now, barely a month after my room is turned into a pigsty again. It is something that happened so slowly. I throw something over here and another over there. Repeat that for a few times, it seems like a hurricane has trashed my room.

The only explanation I could give is that my room reflects my emotional condition. I had been a wreck lately, emotionally, that is. This is one part of me that I am trying to make sense of – the insecure, unconfident me. All it takes for me to fall into this pit of darkness would be something minor, regardless of its form.

I guess with love being so far away, makes everything harder. I always thought that even when I am far from people who cared about me (and vice versa, of course), I would still feel loved. But I am clearly naive. It is easy to doubt the sincerity of people I know. I would begin to read between the lines when I talk to people. I would try to guess their thoughts and feelings. It was difficult. I would begin to detest people around me, because they are so perfect... because they seem so unproblematic.

Then, I decided to mask my true feelings. Slide the mask on and I would be a happy ‘Me’. Yeah right. I now found that it is really difficult to do as well. I feel fake. Why must I try to hide my feelings? Why can’t the world accept that there are angry, rude, imperfect beings like me? Just accept it!

But everything changed just now because I talked to Leekuan on MSN. It was fun to chat again. It was fun to rant to someone I am really close to. The therapy that I alluded to in the previous post is ineffective. It worked for a while, but the seed remains. Chatting is what made the difference in me. I feel better, even though I don’t understand why. The main issue is not being addressed yet, I think... but my angry feelings are being alleviated a little.

Thank you for chatting with me, Leekuan. Love you lots. Eat my share of wat tan hor when you get back to Malaysia in November, okay?

Therapy for Me

Never mind that I have written a whole page worth of ranting (about screwing up labs) in Microsoft Word. I have deleted it.

I guess I am sick of repeating myself, no matter how frustrated am I over the issue.

But writing all your thoughts out and then DELETE them, is pretty good therapy. At the very least, I got something out of my chest. It still hurts when I think of it, but I guess I will get over it pretty soon.

Hand me a pillow and hopefully I will sleep all my worries away.

Rainy day

Walking in the rain

With my own pace

My jeans are soaked to the knee

Others are ahead of me

My umbrella’s flimsy

Theirs strong and sturdy

But it is okay

That I am a little unprepared

I will be

For the next rainy day.

Long Overdue

9/8/2009 3:07:07 PM

I have taken a long break from studying and finally decided to update this poor blog of mine. It has been a whole month since I posted anything up – not that anything in my life is worth mentioning. But I think this blog really needs a tiny bit of dusting, no?

***WASO and Perth Concert Hall***

The whole winter break I spent in Perth was a mixture of boredom and little bit of fun. I had short excursions to various places around Perth, most notably Fremantle. In the course of 5 weeks, I had been there 3-4 times.

Then, on the last Friday of winter break, my housemates and I went to Perth Concert Hall to watch the West Australian Symphony Orchestra (WASO) perform. I amazed myself by saying ‘yes’ when my housemate asked me to go (way back in March or April, I think). As we are university students, we got discounted tickets! It cost me about 15 dollars, if I remember correctly. Anyway, yours truly is someone who has zero knowledge about classical music and the workings of the orchestra. All the information I know about orchestra I gleaned them from Nodame Cantabile manga (thank you Ninomiya-sensei!). Hence, I was like a little girl thrown into a weird insecure world. I didn’t know what to expect, actually.

But overall, the performances were great. I nearly fall asleep, partly due to a long exhausting shopping trip that very afternoon, and also because a couple of the pieces they played were kind of boring (sorry for not able to notice the subtleties in music!). Because we got seats in the upper gallery, I got a three-quarters view of the orchestra. It was such a shame that I could not get a proper view of the harp. Perth Concert Hall also houses small stalls that sell souvenirs, such as miniature grand piano and flute (for decorative purposes only). They looked so real and so fragile, as if they might snap if I hold it on my palm. I would love to go to the concert hall again (WASO performs regularly) but too bad, my schedule this semester is a little crazy. I even have to study during tuition-free weeks because of impending tests.

***This Semester, Doom and Gloom***

I have noticed a peculiar thing about Curtin. It says on our academic calendar that we have 14 weeks of classes, but in actuality, there are only 12 because of 2 tuition-free weeks. So essentially, I have to study 5 units (Pharmaceutical Chemistry, Pharmaceutical Biology, Genetics in Pharmacy, Pharmaceutics, Epidemiology and Biostatistics) in 3 months! Talk about crazy!

This semester is the same as before - lectures, labs and tutorials, as usual. One good thing is that I don’t have any major assignment to do. Even the subjects are more interesting. Genetics fan, anyone? The lectures are held at 8am every Monday and I surprised myself by staying awake throughout the whole lecture. Nevertheless, I am quite proud of myself. On the other hand, I screw labs as usual. The worst labs have to be Pharm Chem and Pharm Bio. I failed in every single experiment I do, I might as well just skipped the whole thing. :/

***Ghost of Myself***

I used to speak up in class (English classes in Intec, tuition classes back in secondary school). I was a loud girl (thanks to my Hakka genes from my paternal grandma, I suppose). Or was it the sense of achievement that I attained from arguing with authority figures like teachers? Anyway, I was LOUD. Hence, I thought I could adapt fairly well in Curtin (Angmohs are loud too, right?).

But I think I was getting ahead of myself. Here, I have never interrupted a single tutorial class with an intellectual question before, nor did I ever approach a lecturer or tutor for further clarification on any subject (even though my head is full of question marks). I was quiet and invisible. If I had gone missing from Curtin for a whole semester, I don’t think anyone, apart from my fellow JPA scholars, would notice my disappearance. I want to speak up in class so badly. I am the type of person, whose hand would shoot up high in the air if a question was asked – provided I know the answer to it, of course. I guess, being able to provide opinions and answers to questions posed in classes make me feel important and I like that feeling. (I am doing psychoanalysis on myself here. Yeah, it sounds crazy.)

But as I look around me, the friends I know aren’t saying anything. I am not blaming them, but somehow when they don’t speak, I don’t say anything too. Now, I am really blaming myself for this situation I am in. Why am I so afraid to speak up? I envy those Australian kids with their phenomenal sense of confidence. They could say anything they want and not feel embarrassed by it. They could talk loudly in labs, ignoring the supervisor who is speaking in front and yet, be able to successfully accomplish their experiments AND talk in a natural manner to the very same supervisor whom they ignored half an hour ago.

Why can’t I be like that too, huh?

I am ashamed of myself because I don’t like the situation I am in and yet, I do nothing about it. As I look at my friends, I would think: “They look happy to be the way they are. They are completely fine becoming passive students in class. Shouldn’t I be?”

***Note***

This post is a reflection of my pent-up thoughts and feelings which I wanted to convey in this blog for the past one month but I was forced to put them on hold due to excessive use of Internet. Hope you guys can understand why this post is so convoluted and incoherent. =)

PS: Oh, this blog should be less dusty now, I think.