Sunday, October 31, 2010


i live, so i am evil.

i know it all along that my actions and thoughts are unkind, bad.

i definitely am not an angel.

Dreaming of Big Cats

Today is the second time I had dreamt of big cats like lions and tigers. In my dreamland, they were humongous and really bloodthirsty. I remembered feeling so afraid for my life, trying to hide and huddle in one corner because the creatures were out to tear humans into several pieces. *gulp*

What do they mean? I really want to know. But I wish my handsome pilot is back to haunt my dreams instead.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

don't EVER teach old dogs new tricks

'Cos the old dog may very well scare the hell out of you!

Just received a forwarded email from Dad, entitled "The Red Dot Therapy" - containing a series of exercises supposedly to prevent Alzheimer. I was like, "What the heck, might as well try it..."

I went on, clicking every single red dot I could find in all of the Powerpoint slides when a photo of a hideous zombie popped out of nowhere - sound effects and all!! (=_=lll)

I should have known not to trust forwarded emails, even from good ol' Daddy.

Anyway, it reminded me: "HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!"

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Little Boy

The little boy, not any higher than my waist, plays with his other little friends on the playground. I sit back and watch the scene unfolds before my eyes.

He is a little taller than the rest, and that makes him stand out. His soft black hair sways gently in the wind as he runs, dribbling the ball in front of him. Needless to say, I am drawn to the soft features of his face - his long eyelashes, so unlike mine; the bright eyes that are browner than his peers. He breaks into a hearty smile whenever he's happy, exposing the gap between his front teeth. He is the most perfect little boy there is.

As I watch them get down and dirty with the sand and mud, I am slowly lost in my own thoughts. "Kring! Kring!" The familiar bell comes again. And the groups of kids on the playground - girls and boys alike - disperse and begin to approach the old man. I smile and notice how good his timing is, that pragmatic businessman of an ice-cream seller. 

The little boy comes running to me. His cherubic face is covered in sweat. His hands hold on to mine. We share the same skin colour. "Who is your father?" Increasingly the question finds its way into my mind.

But the same question escapes me again, when he asks: "Mummy, can I have an ice-cream?"

sorry, it's me. not you.

That is one of the worst break-up lines ever. Or so says 'How I Met Your Mother'.

Honestly, that is what I feel sometimes about friendships that fall apart over time. Our relationships are great when we are together. We do the same things and share the same experiences. But as time goes on, we all need to find our own path in life. We all go our separate ways, eventually.

And when it comes down to that, the dynamics of the relationship changes. We hardly hang out together and do the same stuff. Neither do we experience the same things or share the same friends. We all eventually live our own lives. It is difficult to maintain a friendship at this point, because it is increasingly difficult to relate to one another.

That is why I sometimes let friendships fall apart. It is a bit of laziness on my part, as well as loneliness. I feel lazy to reach out to people. I also feel lonely whenever I cannot talk to a friend in the same way I did before.
I am the kind of person that is really difficult to be friends with. I am not easy to approach. I do not open my heart easily to anyone. And I let things fall apart faster than they are being built.

Friends can be strangers too, eventually.

When that comes, the problem is not you. It is me.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Wish List

I want a digital camera! Xmas sale, please come soon!!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Moving Out... Levelling up!

It's official. My application to continue staying in Vickery House is rejected. I have to move out next year... to someplace that is not under the bridge. Haha.

I guess moving out is one of those things everyone has to do at least once in their life, just for independence's sake (even though I would still have roomies). In a sense, we all have to 'level-up' in this game of Life.

Studying someplace far from home? Check.
Cooking my own four square meals every day? Check.
Do laundry all by myself? Check.
Travel someplace without parents? Check.

The next stuff on my list would be moving out off-campus and drive a car all by myself. I need to relearn driving this summer. Must.Do.It.Can't.Procrastinate.Can't.Back.Out.Even.Though.I'm.A.Coward!

Saturday, October 16, 2010



the safe bubble of the world i grew up was shattered when i was 16. bad things have happened before and always will be, but it never occured to me that they would hit close to home.

it was about 6 in the morning. it was still quite dark. my brother, like the dutiful son he always is, opened the back door to light the incense at the altar outside. he spotted a dark figure, peering into the window of our bathroom. my mom was just out from the bathroom while i already went in, getting ready for school. my brother alerted my mother. i heard loud shouts coming from Mimmy, like she was shooing a dog away. and the peeping tom ran away.

i cannot see anything outside from the bathroom (our windows are glazed - is that the word?), which is why i am convinced he cannot see anything that morning. but that doesn't quell my fear. the peeping tom's act doesn't scare me as much as the fact that i feel so unsafe in my own home. for the longest time, i would stare at the bathroom window, just to make sure that no one's there. the only reprieve that year was at a camp; the bathrooms are all on the first floor.

ever since then, a few things have hit closer to home. some punks on motorbikes went around molesting girls. a group of scumbags attempted to kidnap a friend's brother. all this happened in the residential area where i still live. and just now, i received news of a rape-murder case in the very town i grew up in. a 16 year-old girl was found naked and dead in a drain in an oil palm estate. and to think that hours before her death, she was attending tuition classes in town - just like any other high schooler.

we would always remember the exact moment, the exact manner in which our safe bubble of a world disappears. it is the feeling of being unsafe, being unprotected that scares the daylight out of me - not the perpetrator, not the crime itself.

despite the bad things, we all move on but that doesn't mean we forget.

PS: dear friends, please take care of yourselves. be on high alert always and always. LOVE YOU ALL.

to the scumbags/lowlife/jerks/criminals out there, you all deserve to die. not the poor girl lying dead in the drain.

PPS: when i get my own house, i will make sure there's a bathroom on first floor. peeping toms can come if they dare, 'cos i hope they will fall down and die!

IDIOCY: the national plague

Malaysians should read this and be mad!

Why is it that our government, which is running on deficit budget, intends to spends so much on mega projects that the average person does not need?

Among the most outrageous projects proposed in Budget 2011: a RM5billion 100-storey tower smack in between Stadium Negara and the historic Stadium Merdeka. As if KL needs another concrete skyscraper! As if we have RM5 billion to spend on a useless, white-elephant of a tower! Where is all the money coming from anyway? Oh... maybe the future earnings from the proposed casino in Sabah?

And oh, RM43 billion KL MRT project is another mega project in the pipeline. Previous experiences have shown that such projects to be unviable - creating only massive traffic jams, noise and pollution during construction. And our dear PM said that he is not a 'saudagar mimpi' (dream merchant). Yeah, right... if our government isn't that, what is it then? Plunderer of the nation's coffers? Ali Baba? Robin Hood for the wealthy?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

King of Anything by Sara Bareilles

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for your time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe
Oh oh

I love Sara Bareilles! I like her lyrics - so honest, and sometimes sarcastic. The parts in bold are all my favourites. Sums up my feelings whenever I am pissed off.
I also noticed that although her songs (this one and 'Love Song') project the image of a strong, opiniated woman, there's at least a verse in each song which gives off the feeling of vulnerability.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

this is one of those times when i feel so mad that i have no idea why. i am so peeved by every single little annoying thing that's happening in my damn life.

this is one of those times when i wish the whole world hates me, so that i can hate them back. oh yeah baby! so that i can shout and scream and curse the world with bad bad foul words.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


why do i like to do last minute work so much?

why do i put the pursuit of pleasure above homework?

despite being hard-pressed for time, i still want to do a good job. why is that?

what's uni life about if it is not about cram study or last minute assignments? oh wait, that describes my secondary school life too! i guess some things just don't change.