Tuesday, November 30, 2010

i have a fear of meeting people. i try my best to avoid them, as much as i could. i know i am weird that way. =(

Monday, November 29, 2010

Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

okay, i may be a tad too outdated in saying this, but... OMG! IT IS A MUST-WATCH, PEOPLE! WATCH IT BEFORE YOU DIE!

even if you had watched the first FMA anime series before, it doesn't matter. both stories are different. the mangaka is really talented, to be able to think out such a detailed and well-developed plot. almost all characters are likeable... i even sympathised with the bad guys. so...

GO WATCH IT!

Friday, November 19, 2010

life's mystery...

why did i choose pharmacy?

Monday, November 15, 2010

letting things fall onto the wayside...

If only I didn’t break down at that moment, would things have been different among us? The accumulation of jealousy, resentment and frustration over the past year just became too much for me to bear, when her words stung, as if she was the only one hurt and had to do the inevitable. Then again, wasn’t I the inconsiderate one because I cried and made her look like the villain? Because I cried, I looked like I was the victim. And because I already made up my mind first, it seemed like I was the one having to make tough decisions. But, my thoughts about the issue were all blurred up by the tears and anger. Now, I am not sure if I was right or wrong. Should I apologise or not?


Even if I was wrong, I would not apologise because my pride won’t allow it. ‘Sorry’ is the most difficult thing to say. Even so, apologising is also a tough thing NOT to do. Currently I have to bear with the air of awkwardness, as if things aren’t awkward already between us. I always think both of us being similar in some ways; like how we aren’t very friendly to other people unless they make the first move. What we think about certain issues is quite similar too. She may not even realise it, but I do. Sometimes being too similar leads to clash of personalities… which really did happen.

In a way, I was being unfair to her because I lashed out partly due to my own resentment and jealousy. I feel so inferior to her. After years of being compared to everyone else in the family and circle of friends, in my mind I automatically compare myself to the people I meet. My immense inferiority complex nearly broke a few friendships (guess who, people… they could be you), but I was lucky enough that my friends hold onto the strings and never did vocalise their feelings so much; or else our friendships would have ended already. But with her? I think things will just break apart slowly, primarily because our relationship is that built on circumstances.

I think I also have to apologise to other friends too. I wonder if my rash decision to split up the group is really something they even like? They are all nice people, so I don’t know what their exact thoughts are because they are not keen on making others feel uneasy. But knowing myself, I can’t apologise to them because, well, ‘sorry is really the hardest word’. I can’t say it out of the blue like it is something normal in our friendships, because it isn’t.

To friends who are reading this, and think that you are implied in this story, I want to say: ‘Sorry’. I am so sorry for making your life difficult sometimes, because I was jealous of you. At some point in our friendship, I really did resent you because you had something that I didn’t. I am still learning to keep my ugly feelings to a minimum. And who says everyone is born good?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

waste

too much water
too much salt
too much heat
rice becomes porridge
with a burnt aftertaste.

it's all gone to waste.
just charging ahead like a mad bull towards the red cloth, in a Spanish bullfight. that is all i know now.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Do You Feel by Rocket Summer

I'm thinking 'bout other things I heard about today
All this week and tomorrow
And how these hands can create some better things for bettering
but you see for now I got my own things
I can't help it
I got too many issues I own
So I cannot help I'm afraid, yeah
But keep on preaching, preaching and heal the world
Lip service makes us look great

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things I guess

I guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
Sometimes I convince myself
that all this fight in the world
It's not mine
Why should I
have to try
to fix things I didn't create or contrive

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have so many things

Have the habits
Had you
Has it been for long
Can you feel the souls behind what's going on

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Cause we all have so many things
And I can get past these things

Ohh


*Thank you Avery Bryce for writing this song. It sums up how I feel about the world and the issues around me... wanting to do something, and yet bogged down by my own life.*

 To listen to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw1kJ4c9udE

Sunday, November 7, 2010

It wasn't too long ago that I dreamt of backpacking around the world. I hope to see the great historical and cultural sites that I read in books and encyclopaedias.

But reality is always very far from fantasy. Right now, if you asked me to do so, I would shake my head vigourously and say no. I understand I am a person of contradictory personalities. I want to be spontaneous, outgoing and brave, but I am not. Maybe I am just afraid of changing my routine, just for the sake of experiencing something different. Maybe I am just, well, afraid.

I hope the time will come, for me to throw all inhibitions to the wind, and just embark on that great big adventure I have always dreamed of.

Friday, November 5, 2010

All I Have by Rocket Summer

Everybody is hurting, everybody knows it.
are you trying to stop it, everyone's watching,
what are you gonna do.
Are you trying to stop it, everyone's watching.
everyone is conversing, everyone's listening.

They were apart, her was apart,
and she was part of it.
Oh, falling apart, is anyone watching,
is anyone listening, are we listening.

And all I have is all of me,
and it's all that I can give.
Our disappointed hearts will heal,
our hearts will spill over you,
over you over me, over this

Oh, they never knew,
they never knew what you're going through.
Because you got everybody thinking
there's nothing wrong with you.
And you fall apart, because you felt apart,
and they were part of it. Oh falling apart,
is anyone watching,
is anyone listening, are you listening.

And all I have is all of me,
and it's all that I can give.
Our disappointed hearts will heal,
our hearts will spill over you,
over you over me, over this

On dark and stormy days somewhere it's glowing.
And even though I know I'm here,
I know I'm going,
you never stop, you just collide,
collapse onto your side.
So rise and make it right.

And all I have is all of me,
and it's all that I can give.
Our disappointed hearts will heal,
our hearts will spill over you,
over you over me, over this
i am not doing anything to solve the predicament i am in, and yet i am feeling so angry about it. i am so disgusted with myself, for only complaining to any pitiful ear that is ready to listen.

i've ran out avenues to rant, to complain. i want to be home - a place where i can get angry as much as i want and still be forgiven for it, a place where i can shout and scream and still be tolerated for it, a place where i can be myself - happy or sad, nice or bad.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

how to stop being jealous?

because i am so greedy, i don't know how.