Friday, May 29, 2009
It said: When you turn up at work with a horrible frown, why does everyone ask you what is wrong in your life? Is it very wrong to be moody for one whole day when for the rest of the year, you are smiling and being kind to everyone else?
I totally agree with this. Whenever I get angry (for example, during the incident described in the previous post), my family would advise me not to feel the way I feel. Let it go, let it slide... etc. I WANT to feel angry, I WANT to feel emo... why must there be restrictions as to how I feel about things? I have tolerated with the rest of the world for 364 days, why can't I be mean for a day? (I meant this day ratio in a figurative way... =P)
I feel like we all need time to be ourselves - not conforming to acceptable standards of behaviour as prescribed by society (or close friends and family members, for that matter). For example, allow me to rant, to complain, to criticise, to give sarcastic or horrible remarks ala Simon Cowell when I need to. Or else, in the end I would die of a high blood pressure due to pent-up anger.
Back at home, I can act anyway I want. Impersonate people... saying "babeh" or "yo" or whatever slang that comes to mind. Or threatening to kiss or hug my bro, and chasing him around with my arms extended out wide for a bear hug... *evil grin*. Or when I get really frustrated at stuffs, I would just unleash a tirade of angry words in a really loud voice. Giving really horrible, sarcastic remarks about things around me - which truly represents my real thoughts. Being really random, such as saying "I love you" to all my family members, hugging my mom etc. In short, I am really capable of being nuts. Haha.
I wish for that kind of freedom here. I wish to sing out loud in my room at the expense of others (who cares about my housemates or neighbours?) or when I get really angry at something/someone, I wish to rant and complain like there's no end to it. Yeah, I tried that once, but my housemates were shocked... Haih. Can't do that ever again.
So I think I demonstrate a different side of me in different environments. I don't know if I even have a definitive personality. I don't think everyone will ever have one. People are so multi-faceted, you know? At times, I would act like a bimbo, spouting out random facts to amaze my siblings (muahaha), acting emo, doing some random acts of craziness or contemplating the complexities of life, death, the afterworld. Yup, that's me.
Therefore, I can't really make a "How well you know me?" quiz on Facebook, because I am clueless about my own personality. I think I would even fail at my own quiz!
PS: Sorry to friends and my eldest sis (if you guys happen to read this) that I scored badly in your quizzes. Haha. I guess I need to know you guys more.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I know I promised myself that I would stop talking bad about people. It turns out that I couldn’t. AG is annoying me to the extent that everything he does is wrong. I scolded him in front of a few people in class. I told him that he was annoying people, making phone calls to us at night. I thought after some good old scolding, he would have realised the error of his ways. But it turns out he is an idiot after all. After being scolded, he told another coursemate, “Girls are like that because of hormone imbalance.”
I hate chauvinistic ideas like that. He is such an MCP (male chauvinistic pig). He dismissed my outburst of emotion as “hormone imbalance”. Hey, if I were to have hormone imbalance that day, trust me that you would end up comatose in the hospital right now, you MCP!
I hate guys who think they are better than gals. I hate derogatory remarks like that, especially when it comes from guys. When another gal says it, it is funny – because we know to a certain extent it is true. But, hey, hormone imbalance is not everything okay?
I am very angry at AG because:
1) He gave such a chauvinistic remark.
2) He dismissed my being angry at him as “hormone imbalance” which was not true at all, because I was seriously pissed off at him. The anger was bursting to come out.
3) He is such an idiot; I already explained to him that we are being annoyed because of his unreasonable behaviour. But he still wouldn’t think that he is at fault and blamed my hormones instead. Thank you for your concern about my hormonal system, but I could manage my hormones myself, thank you very much.
I felt stupid for apologising to him in the first place. I know that my anger is probably unjustified, because he gave out this remark before I apologised to him. There could be a slight chance that he realised the error of his ways right after I apologised to him (I did explain why I scolded him anyway). But due to the 3 reasons above, I couldn’t forgive him. I will not ever bow down to an MCP – especially a HUGE IDIOTIC one like him.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
When I think, I write.
When I write, I post it up in my blog.
Otherwise, my blog will be dusty.
When I stab other people in their backs, I won't feel the pain. But when others do it to me, it hurts real BAD. So I sent a long sms to AG, telling him honestly why I find him annoying and hopefully he would forgive me. And he hasn't replied me yet. :/
The reason why I am apologising to him is due to my own selfishness. I wish that nobody after this would stab me from the back again. By saying sorry to him and by not talking bad about others again, I really hope I would be spared of the pain. >.< Yes, I am selfish. Go ahead and shoot me.
And what is a friendship really? Some friendships are long-lasting; some are not. Am I the only one who thinks that friendships from school are still the best? Well, there are friendships established in college that are meaningful and I hope they would last a long time...
*hint-hint* *thanks for giving me your listening ear when I am down... thanks for letting me torture you with my boring stories* =)
I honestly think friendships are more meaningful than it sounds. It is not just a shoulder to lean on when you are down, nor it is just a person to laugh with when everything is okay. It must not be based on convenience nor dependence. It could not be based on kindness and love alone; these do not sustain friendships. Frustration and hatred characterise relationships; they break us all apart. I don't know how to phrase this but Furuba gives a powerful quote: "Love means taking in all things negative and positive and accepting them wholeheartedly." Well, something like that anyway.
Friendship is like an investment; we put in a little of ourselves into that friend and they into us. And that is why when it is torn apart, we feel hurt inside because those things are lost forever.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
*Taking a break from studying digestive system (more like copying answers from the textbook...)*
Had a long chat with a friend yesterday (will not be named here, so let’s just call her Anonymous) via MSN. Seriously, I was taking a break from studying Pharmaceutics’ calculation test and then there she was, calling out to me in Facebook. For someone whom I haven’t chat (or met) ever since we left school, it was definitely a surprise. She was bored – I can tell, and despite having a test to study for, I chatted with her anyway.
*And I screwed the test... if only I wasn’t distracted by the Internet...*
Anonymous talked about her life in college... how she loves what she is studying at the moment (she is studying business stuff). And the conversation reverted to the days back in Convent. I felt nostalgic about those days because absence does make the heart grow fonder. But it was very different for her. She told me she was miserable in school, because she was being retained in the Science class instead of studying Arts. She described her life back then as “going through the motions”. And she said that after graduation from Convent, she wouldn’t want to make the same mistake again and off she went to college to study business. She said she felt “chi pei” compared to the rest of us – not being able to score well in Science subjects and all that.
I mean, who wasn’t feeling the same way? Who wasn’t feeling “chi pei” back then? I felt so inadequate compared to J, who scored way higher than me in all subjects – and that was very frustrating. The gap between her and me was so huge – to the point that I detested her at that time (sorry! I love you now! XD). It was only recently in her blog that I found out she is human too. There is a reason why she worked hard at that time. At that point, I realised what I saw back then in school are so multifaceted – things were not as simple as they seem. I was so silly back then. Even J, the top student in our batch, was feeling “chi pei” in her own way.
Hah, now I know that for most of us, we felt trapped in school. Studying subjects that we didn’t have interests for; teachers who sucked at teaching and killed off the remnants of passion left in us for anything academic; the monotonous way of life back then –tuition, school, tuition, school (well, it is for me!). The saving grace back then was probably the silly moments we shared. Now that all of us are heading into uni (some already do), the vast majority of us are going to pursue arts-related careers.
To the Government, politicians, educators in Malaysia, is your action of maintaining the 60-40 policy justified when most of us students are suffering? I am speaking for my friends here (Science subjects do make sense to me... at least more than business-related stuff). We lost 2 years of our youths, studying the stuff we won’t even pursue in the end. And oh yeah, don’t get me started on the public uni thing. You let us “choose” the courses we want to study and in the end, handing to us our so-called “choice” and chuck us into a god-knows-where-god-knows-what uni in some god-damn place. Way to go people! Great way of making our life “more interesting”! Ah, no wonder private colleges and unis are mushrooming everywhere!
Oh why can’t you let us choose where and what to study? Where is the freedom? Most politicians can’t understand because: (1) they are all rich buggers; (2) all their kids either go to international/private schools or packed off to boarding schools overseas. Kudos people! You let your own people survive and the rest suffering. And people wonder why Malaysians pick useless politicians (who behave as apes when they don’t get what they want) up there in the Parliament. It’s because we couldn’t get sound education!
Let us choose what subjects we want to learn in school. Please improve the universities in Malaysia and allow students to choose which course they want to study and which uni to go to. Let there be competition among the public universities, so that the standard of our education can improve.
*I realise I have REALLY diverted from the main theme of my post – no thanks to our politicians. And finally, I wish all of my friends, most notably those who belonged to 5 Physics Class of ’06, good luck in their pursuit of knowledge (regardless of Science or Arts). Let’s us all be contented with the choices we make. Don’t let the damn politicians screw our lives for us!*
Monday, May 18, 2009
Asked one of my best buddies and she told me that she doesn't know either, despite the fact that she is very much in love now.
She said the feelings would get deeper and deeper as time goes on.
Hah, I wish the line between love and crush is clear cut, so that I won't end up being confused.
When he goes online, my hand is itching to change my status to "available"... just so that he would realise that I am here... hoping that he would chat with me.
Nah. I pull my hand away. I know it is impossible. And that it is just a crush that would eventually melt away.
Better to focus my energy on something more substantial (like preparation for final exams!), instead on harping on "what ifs".
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I know it is my fault. I should and could have done better. When I was on my last prep, it was 11.20am. Checkout time was supposed to be 11.30am.
I was thinking: "Hey, just need to get this damn thing filtered!"
But wham! I forgot to get a scheduled ingredient (aka poison) checked by the supervisor. Well, I simply called Supervisor A and he was being -
Let's forget the story. I am beginning to forget the real reason behind this post. Not going to badmouth someone who is potentially going to mark my lab work. And so it happened. I didn't have time to finish the prep and I was fighting back tears when I was told by the supervisor (yeah, the one mentioned above) that I should stop filtering (but the reason I called him was to ask him check the weight of the poison. =.=lll).
I simply poured the solution into the bottle and labelled it - without filtering and knowing fully well that it was under volume. Supervisor B saw what I did but Supervisor C (a stern but nice lady) marked my work instead. She gave me full marks because she didn't check the volume of the mixture in my bottle. Well, can't blame her when the lab was full of growling stomachs and everyone (yes, including lab supervisors) wanted to have lunch.
So, Supervisor B came over (he is the supervisor assigned to my bench) and told me straightaway that he saw what I did. I was like, "Yeah, I am not supposed to have that mark. You can go ahead and give me a zero or something." Honestly, I could not care anymore. I was still fighting back tears and it hurt to say that kind of thing out loud myself.
But I knew that my prep was not great. I do not want high marks for something I don't deserve, okay? You can give me a zero because I deserve it. I don't mind it at all. But Supervisor B, being nice, just took off 10 marks from my prep. And do you think it made me feel better? No. I didn't.
So to sum up, things weren't that great in the lab. Sigh. (Reminders to self: Should not talk to people too much, or look at what other people are doing. Concentrate!)
On the walk back to Vickery House, I was being very black-hearted (is this the right way to express it?). I was miserable, you see. And all I could do at that time was to vent my anger to someone else (in my Inner Mind Theatre, of course) - and that person was AG.
Yup, he was the target. I honestly hated the way he keep coming around borrowing my prep papers to copy, asking me questions about the lab when he always, always finished his preps earlier than me. What the hell is wrong with him? If he could do that well in the lab, he shouldn't keep copying my prep papers!
Okay, on a bright note... I talked to Harry Potter today.
His name is Duncan but unbeknownst to him, we nicknamed him such because he looks just like Harry Potter. Nerdy-looking, skinny frame (but actually a little bit taller than me) and with a surprisingly deep voice, he has been the subject of our adoration for the longest time. MI, in particular, wanted to talk to him so desperately. However, she gave Duncan a bad impression in their very first conversation - all because of AG. MI asked Duncan for his name but AG intercepted, saying that MI probably wouldn't even remember his name. Yeah, what a great way to give a good impression to innocent-looking Duncan right?
Anyway, Duncan is always slow in the lab. He is the Master of Accuracy and Precision. And that is the main problem why he is always slow. He tries to measure every single thing as accurate as possible, when other people (like me) would just go, "Hey, what the heck. As long as I get out of here ASAP. The supervisors aren't even looking anyway." I admire this quality of his. I think he is being very brave by working at his own pace. Even when the supervisors are telling him to stop his work, he continued to do as well as he can. In the future, if I wanted a pharmacist to compound (aka make from scratch) my medicine, I would go to him. Because he tried to do things to the best of his ability. I can be assured that my medicine is a 'pharmaceutically elegant product" (Lab Supervisors 2009).
Well, Black-hearted Missy here (I mean, myself) is sometimes comforted by the fact that there's someone slower than me. Which is really bad, I know. Anyway, thank god for what happened today because I had the opportunity to talk to him. During cleaning up, we are supposed to put used bottles into a crate, which was missing today. So, I saw Duncan at the corner of my eye and thought, "Well, a good way to approach him!" So I went over (he was at another bench, LOL) and asked him about the crate. But he was clueless as well. So I continued to clean up the mess I made in the lab and he cleaned up his mess. Seconds later, he came over and asked for a tissue to wipe his glassware. I said, "Sure," and he took a tissue from my box. Well, that was it. But he approached me for a tissue! Isn't that something?
I hope I don't sound like a bimbo because I am really not interested in him romantically. I think it is great to have an angmoh friend. Haha. Typical Asian mentality: Angmohs are cool. Hopefully I get to introduce myself to him in the next lecture... hhmm...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
I always look out of my window,
At my lonely back garden,
Where nothing special grows.
Only green trees and leaves,
Pah! Just like any boring scenery.
But One Day I hear,
The singing of a little bird.
I look out again and this time is different.
Ah, I realised I was very much mistaken!
Purple, yellow, red and blue,
There are flowers of every hue.
Furry little animals scurry about,
Even the pesky bugs are out.
Butterflies adorn my blue sky,
Pretty fireflies light up my night.
How did I not realise their existence?
I must be blind, I reasoned.
The day I finally see,
Immense happiness stays with me.
So I pull out the weeds,
And water the plants,
The day I made it pretty and tidy,
My garden rewards me with loyalty.
For the heavens may rain,
And the seasons may change,
But I now know that my garden,
Would always be vibrant again.
One conversation leads to a buried train of thoughts.
This is not going to be an emo post. Just like I said, this post is something like a train of buried thoughts that was gathering dirt in the back garden. Now it is the time to dig it up to see what it is like. Probably I will see it in a new light. =)
The life I am living now is due to my desire to escape - from who I am. I did not realise it before; but now it is clear. I wanted to leave TI so badly so that I could get a fresh start. I hated the way I was.
I felt like my life was spiralling out of my control. I needed to get a grip on myself. So I took a gamble; forsaking my real ambition and took up a scholarship opportunity. It was a life-changing decision. I didn’t realise the gravity of this decision at that time. Had I have the chance to turn back time, definitely I wouldn’t have taken this chance. I would lead my own life in my own way, but oh well – things are done. Like water poured out onto the street, it can’t be collected back.
Stepping into college changed my whole perspective. I began to see that I was already an unhappy person to begin with. It had nothing to do with TI being ‘a place with sad memories’. I thought I could be different. I could not. Things didn’t change because I didn’t change. This realisation stays with me forever. I couldn’t remember the exact time I started to change my attitude. I am not so sure if I had really transformed myself in whole new radical ways, but there are some differences. Things were slightly better at college. I had less emotional problems. I had a more positive attitude.
Still, I remembered wanting to break away from my usual group of friends. I needed something different. I made that mistake. When I got to know some new people, I think I did hurt others too. I wished there was a way to balance both sides. Being able to break free awhile and still come back. But like a fall from the tallest tower - once I took the leap, there was no turning back.
Although I really detested Intec at first, it is still the very first time in my life where I had a clear direction in life. Probably because it was already ingrained in my thoughts that: “Hey, what is done is done. Let’s go on with it. Go with the flow.” And at that point, there was clarity in my life. Although I wasted time reading tonnes of manga and watched anime, I was more focussed and more driven in studies (especially in the third semester). Things that are covered in the syllabus started to make sense. I was a blind fool in high school but in Intec, I wasn’t. I even enjoyed reading Physics, a subject that I had an allergic reaction to in secondary school. Personal life-wise, there were positive changes too. I learnt to love my family. Being apart from home each time really ate away a part of my heart. But I know I love my family more from that point on in college, more than ever before in my whole life. What initiated this chain reaction – I had no idea.
And now in university, I feel like I need to escape from the Team Malaysia. All the friends I had been hanging out with and talked to are Malaysians –which is a good thing when you have no one in a strange place. But I yearn for new experiences and yet, I am afraid to take the first step. Other than my monotonous, mundane life in uni, things are pretty good. I feel empty at times but that is okay. I learn to love the things that I study (which could be really interesting...honest!) and hopefully, I could develop my passion for pharmacy. I still detest assignments (ah, remnants from Intec days) but I would finish them, of course (with a lot of last-minute work). I am not sure if I would pass the subjects I am taking at this point, but may the blessings of my parents help me.
Just like the erratic weather, life has its fair share of rainy and sunny days. I do hope I could go through each phase in life, revel in it and grow with it.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Jiamun is lamenting the lack of updates on this poor, boring blog. It pretty much reflects my life at the very moment – monotonous and boring.
Every day is just going through the routines. Nothing exciting is ever happening (which might be great for someone’s whose life is ridden with problems. XD). Go to lectures, come back. Go to tutes, come back. Intend to take an-hour nap but wake up 3 hours later. XD. Like that lor.
Hence, I describe my life as pretty empty. Sigh~
And oh, I realise that I am quite kiasu (or competitive, as I would like to put it). I have a huge desire to compare my academic performance with those of my friends’. And when I get to know their marks, I was angry with myself and them too (!). Geez, I hate this part of me but I can’t get rid of it. There is nothing to compare about at uni! There is no ranking in uni as in number one, two, three... well, you get the drift. But I just can’t stop comparing. Something is wrong with my brain. :S