Life

One thing leads to another.
One conversation leads to a buried train of thoughts.
This is not going to be an emo post. Just like I said, this post is something like a train of buried thoughts that was gathering dirt in the back garden. Now it is the time to dig it up to see what it is like. Probably I will see it in a new light. =)

***

The life I am living now is due to my desire to escape - from who I am. I did not realise it before; but now it is clear. I wanted to leave TI so badly so that I could get a fresh start. I hated the way I was.

So weak.

So invisible.

I felt like my life was spiralling out of my control. I needed to get a grip on myself. So I took a gamble; forsaking my real ambition and took up a scholarship opportunity. It was a life-changing decision. I didn’t realise the gravity of this decision at that time. Had I have the chance to turn back time, definitely I wouldn’t have taken this chance. I would lead my own life in my own way, but oh well – things are done. Like water poured out onto the street, it can’t be collected back.
Stepping into college changed my whole perspective. I began to see that I was already an unhappy person to begin with. It had nothing to do with TI being ‘a place with sad memories’. I thought I could be different. I could not. Things didn’t change because I didn’t change. This realisation stays with me forever. I couldn’t remember the exact time I started to change my attitude. I am not so sure if I had really transformed myself in whole new radical ways, but there are some differences. Things were slightly better at college. I had less emotional problems. I had a more positive attitude.

Still, I remembered wanting to break away from my usual group of friends. I needed something different. I made that mistake. When I got to know some new people, I think I did hurt others too. I wished there was a way to balance both sides. Being able to break free awhile and still come back. But like a fall from the tallest tower - once I took the leap, there was no turning back.
Although I really detested Intec at first, it is still the very first time in my life where I had a clear direction in life. Probably because it was already ingrained in my thoughts that: “Hey, what is done is done. Let’s go on with it. Go with the flow.” And at that point, there was clarity in my life. Although I wasted time reading tonnes of manga and watched anime, I was more focussed and more driven in studies (especially in the third semester). Things that are covered in the syllabus started to make sense. I was a blind fool in high school but in Intec, I wasn’t. I even enjoyed reading Physics, a subject that I had an allergic reaction to in secondary school. Personal life-wise, there were positive changes too. I learnt to love my family. Being apart from home each time really ate away a part of my heart. But I know I love my family more from that point on in college, more than ever before in my whole life. What initiated this chain reaction – I had no idea.

And now in university, I feel like I need to escape from the Team Malaysia. All the friends I had been hanging out with and talked to are Malaysians –which is a good thing when you have no one in a strange place. But I yearn for new experiences and yet, I am afraid to take the first step. Other than my monotonous, mundane life in uni, things are pretty good. I feel empty at times but that is okay. I learn to love the things that I study (which could be really interesting...honest!) and hopefully, I could develop my passion for pharmacy. I still detest assignments (ah, remnants from Intec days) but I would finish them, of course (with a lot of last-minute work). I am not sure if I would pass the subjects I am taking at this point, but may the blessings of my parents help me.

Just like the erratic weather, life has its fair share of rainy and sunny days. I do hope I could go through each phase in life, revel in it and grow with it.