letting things fall onto the wayside...

If only I didn’t break down at that moment, would things have been different among us? The accumulation of jealousy, resentment and frustration over the past year just became too much for me to bear, when her words stung, as if she was the only one hurt and had to do the inevitable. Then again, wasn’t I the inconsiderate one because I cried and made her look like the villain? Because I cried, I looked like I was the victim. And because I already made up my mind first, it seemed like I was the one having to make tough decisions. But, my thoughts about the issue were all blurred up by the tears and anger. Now, I am not sure if I was right or wrong. Should I apologise or not?


Even if I was wrong, I would not apologise because my pride won’t allow it. ‘Sorry’ is the most difficult thing to say. Even so, apologising is also a tough thing NOT to do. Currently I have to bear with the air of awkwardness, as if things aren’t awkward already between us. I always think both of us being similar in some ways; like how we aren’t very friendly to other people unless they make the first move. What we think about certain issues is quite similar too. She may not even realise it, but I do. Sometimes being too similar leads to clash of personalities… which really did happen.

In a way, I was being unfair to her because I lashed out partly due to my own resentment and jealousy. I feel so inferior to her. After years of being compared to everyone else in the family and circle of friends, in my mind I automatically compare myself to the people I meet. My immense inferiority complex nearly broke a few friendships (guess who, people… they could be you), but I was lucky enough that my friends hold onto the strings and never did vocalise their feelings so much; or else our friendships would have ended already. But with her? I think things will just break apart slowly, primarily because our relationship is that built on circumstances.

I think I also have to apologise to other friends too. I wonder if my rash decision to split up the group is really something they even like? They are all nice people, so I don’t know what their exact thoughts are because they are not keen on making others feel uneasy. But knowing myself, I can’t apologise to them because, well, ‘sorry is really the hardest word’. I can’t say it out of the blue like it is something normal in our friendships, because it isn’t.

To friends who are reading this, and think that you are implied in this story, I want to say: ‘Sorry’. I am so sorry for making your life difficult sometimes, because I was jealous of you. At some point in our friendship, I really did resent you because you had something that I didn’t. I am still learning to keep my ugly feelings to a minimum. And who says everyone is born good?