Emo Me >.<

If there’s one very important thing I learnt from ‘Criminal Minds’, it would be this: The bedroom is an externalisation of oneself.

I think that is quite true for me. When this semester first started, I cleaned my room thoroughly – wiping, vacuuming and throwing all the unwanted junk. It was neat, after a hard day’s work.

Now, barely a month after my room is turned into a pigsty again. It is something that happened so slowly. I throw something over here and another over there. Repeat that for a few times, it seems like a hurricane has trashed my room.

The only explanation I could give is that my room reflects my emotional condition. I had been a wreck lately, emotionally, that is. This is one part of me that I am trying to make sense of – the insecure, unconfident me. All it takes for me to fall into this pit of darkness would be something minor, regardless of its form.

I guess with love being so far away, makes everything harder. I always thought that even when I am far from people who cared about me (and vice versa, of course), I would still feel loved. But I am clearly naive. It is easy to doubt the sincerity of people I know. I would begin to read between the lines when I talk to people. I would try to guess their thoughts and feelings. It was difficult. I would begin to detest people around me, because they are so perfect... because they seem so unproblematic.

Then, I decided to mask my true feelings. Slide the mask on and I would be a happy ‘Me’. Yeah right. I now found that it is really difficult to do as well. I feel fake. Why must I try to hide my feelings? Why can’t the world accept that there are angry, rude, imperfect beings like me? Just accept it!

But everything changed just now because I talked to Leekuan on MSN. It was fun to chat again. It was fun to rant to someone I am really close to. The therapy that I alluded to in the previous post is ineffective. It worked for a while, but the seed remains. Chatting is what made the difference in me. I feel better, even though I don’t understand why. The main issue is not being addressed yet, I think... but my angry feelings are being alleviated a little.

Thank you for chatting with me, Leekuan. Love you lots. Eat my share of wat tan hor when you get back to Malaysia in November, okay?