Sorry/Goodbye

My paternal grandma passed away at home yesterday morning.

And I was here (still am) in Perth.

In the same time zone and yet, being so far away from Malaysia.

Can you see the irony?

Yes, I cried a lot yesterday night when I received the news.

I am sad that she passed away.

But more so, I am remorseful that I am so far. I knew her time was coming, I was hoping I could be there when she passed on. I know I am so foolish and more than that, selfish in thinking that way.

I am remorseful for thinking of her death so often, when she was alive. Sometimes, I wished for Death to come knocking faster for her, so that she would suffer less, because the way she had been living for the past two years wasn’t really living at all.

The way she pined for my late grandfather, calling out his name when we were all perfectly aware that he was long gone.

The way she could not remember us (her grandchildren), the way she could hardly see our faces.
It was all painful for all of us to bear.

I am remorseful because despite what I told everyone about not being there at her wake, I knew perfectly well that there was no point in me going back to attend the ceremony.

I feel bad for thinking that way. But funerals and wakes are for the living, not the dead. The moment she stopped breathing, the grandmother we all knew was gone. If I wanted to show filial piety, I should express it (in many, many ways) when she was very much alive – not when she is lying cold in the coffin.

Thank you Popo for being such a kind grandmother.

Sorry for all these things I said in this blog. You could be hurt if you know this, for sure.

But I love you. We all love you. Goodbye.