We, Malaysians, are too fearful.

 When a man walks past us in a lonely street, we automatically think that he is out to rob or rape us.

We install grills on our doors and windows and build 6-feet tall walls around our house.

We, Malaysians, are too cynical.

We think every policeman out there receives bribes.

We believe the government is out to get us.

What can go so wrong in a country?  

How can we no longer feel safe in our own homes? 

How can we become so distrustful?

Wanting and Not Wanting

I am specifically referring to books, but this can apply to other things in life as well.

I borrowed two books from Curtin Library a month ago - 'The Good Mayor' by Andrew Nicoll and 'The Complete Short Stories' by Guy de Maupassant. I read up to a quarter of the first, and completely forgotten about the second. I have so many books at my disposal, and yet I am trawling the net for more titles to be added to my wishlist.

I am insane, I know.

I have no idea why this is the case. Anyhow, I am going to return them next Monday. At the very least, they will collect dust in the library, and not in my room.

In an election, we can't choose 'the best'. we can only choose 'the lesser evil'.

Reading Between the Lines

Girls always have a knack for reading between the lines - no matter if something is there or not.

I remember a few years ago when we were all young 17 year-olds, reading a particular cerpen in Mr. Mano's tuition class. Oh! How we devoured the story! An intergalactic story set in the near-future! Plus there's romance to boot! Or so we thought...

... because Mr. Mano insisted that it was all in our heads and we set out to prove him wrong. But weirdly, we couldn't find any evidence of a budding love between the two main characters the second time we read the story. It was very ego-bruising for us - at least it was for me.

Well, at least we had a good laugh that day.

Only One Life

I have only one life to live.
That's why choices need to be made and choices let go.

Memorable Scenes

• The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman - The Danse Macabre
• Moribito: Guardian of Darkness by Nahoko Uehashi - The second Spear Dance between Balsa and the hyohlu

Sarah Kay's "Love Letter from the Toothbrush to the Bicycle Tire"

This poem is unbelievably real, despite having inanimate objects as the main characters. Enjoy!

Opposites

"I need someone to take care of me." That was what she said.

As for me, I just want someone to understand and accept me as I am. We will be the best of friends, hopefully. I want a companion, not a carer.

Her mindset is a bit shocking, because I have always thought her as a very independent person. Maybe it's her age creating cracks in her armor.

It is amazing how different we can be, despite being sisters.

I am not Thomas Alva Edison

I'm not like him, tirelessly pursuing his goal even though he had failed 99 times before.

There's a Cantonese saying: "Won't you be afraid of the dark if you've seen a ghost before?"

It's exactly that. It's natural for me to be afraid over every little thing once I have a bad experience with it. But how do I overcome fear?

I'm still trying to learn to deal with that part of me every day.

Tribute

Today, I can't help but think

Of the men and women 

Who came before me. 

How difficult and strange 

Their lives must have been 

To a young woman in the 21st century. 

That they were able to survive 

and create families

Is a miracle indeed. 

The thread of blood 

that extends 

unbroken 

now flows in me. 

I thank thee

My ancestors. 

Rest in peace. 

Roam free,
and you are lost.

Stay still,
and you shall be safe.

Dust

Do not disturb
the dust of memories
it settles like snow
covers like mist
clouds our vision

Do not disturb
the dust of memories
for it is the ultimate illusion

Honours Program: to apply or not apply?

Received an email from the school. Apparently, I am qualified to apply for Honours program. The key word here is 'apply'. Students will have to sit for a written test and a round of interview before being whittled down to a select few. Although I once boldly said I would not apply for it, I am actually two-minds about it.

Why?

The notion of being 'special', of course. Honours students are probably the cream of the crop. They have access to more school facilities, work closely with their supervisors and write a thesis which hopefully will end up in well-established journals for academics to read. They are treated specially compared to the majority of their peers who spend the rest of the fourth year doing rotation.

But I have to ask myself again and again, so that I won't make another mistake that I will regret. (Typing in my thoughts is one way to reaffirm my own thinking.) Will I be happy doing it? Is research really my strength? Is this what I really want? A lot of times I confuse 'fear' with 'dislike'. Because of that, I shun away from opportunities. Because of a lack of courage, I give up things that I like to do.

Honestly, I am afraid of doing research, afraid of screwing up. But I also think being out there in the real world would help me so much more. Maybe rotation will help me build up my confidence. And I am looking forward (albeit with a bit of apprehension mixed in) to different places for fourth year placements - hospital, community pharmacy, specialised health centres etc. I am not sure what choices are there for practical training but I think I want to diversify my experiences.

I don't want to play along with choices anymore. I want to make informed decisions that are in line with my desires. This is what I aim to do in my life from now on. No more 'let's see how it goes' or 'if I get the offer, I'll just do it'. Sometimes, small decisions can really make or break your life. And how do I know this? Because I have been there, done that and now living it.

Dear friends, I won't apply for honours. Thank you for reading this. =)

Sincerely,
jacys