Roller coaster ride

I feel really sad this week. People around me may not notice but I tried to hide everything inside. This week is one of those times in my life that I feel utterly worthless - so worthless that I feel like a failure. Every single second I could see myself near the window or something, ready to jump and let go.

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn myself! Why didn't I work hard enough for my trials? The English letter was returned to me today and guess how much I got? A meagre 10/20!!! I don't remember seeing that type of marks in any of my English paper in my whole freaking life. Oh yeah, more surprises coming up. My physics paper was returned to me too and I only got a stupid-less-than-everyone-else 73%. Even the friend whom i helped in physics before the test, scored 10 marks higher than me. What a total failure. When a friend asked about my marks and I answered truthfully, he could not believe me. The hell?! Why do I even need to lie to you? I see no benefit in that. If lying to the whole world about my marks could make me feel better, yeah, I would do it. But heck, I know I can't lie to myself.

And I dread the coming finals. It's only 3 weeks away and I haven't started on a single thing. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time, and make sure I memorise every single thing in the book. The thing is, I can't. The things cannot be undone anymore - these are the words I comfort myself with every single minute. I hope i could feel better and perform better in the finals.