what bus rides and showers have in common

they make me think.

or rather, they allow me time to reflect and wonder on aspects of my life. take today's bus ride for example.

i was just sitting around, and noirane nearly dozing off in the seat beside me. with nothing to do, i stared out at the window and began to think...

... just this morning, someone told me that learning guitar is not easy. the chords or tablatures or whatsoever are really hard concepts to grasp if i plan to be self-taught. again and again, i have someone telling me the same thing. i am so sick of it sometimes. they say it is hard. yeah, what makes you think i don't know about that? i am the one doing it, and so i know better than anyone just how tough it would be.

but planning to learn something new means i have to put on a thick skin and weather those comments out. just swallow them and move on.

first day of winter break!!!!!!!!!!

omg. the mercury actually hit 2 degrees celsius this morning. no wonder i was freezing in my bed. i think if i really did open the door, it would be like opening the door to the freezer. brrrr~~

went out to freo again. mei ing and wai hang went to buy some clothes. noirane and i just tagged along. while they were busy browsing for clothes, noirane and i went to elizabeth's secondhand bookshop. finally kathryn stockett's 'the help' is in stock!

hopped on to good sammy's. well, books there are second-, third-, fourth-hand... you get the drift. but at least they are cheap - about 2 dollars each. don't like them? just toss the books into the nearest good sammy's donation box and they will (hopefully) be bought by another person. haha. 

i really got lucky today because i spotted 'a night at rodanthe' by nicholas sparks. again, it is not new. it is yellow and dirty and has lost its book jacket. whatever. got myself that and a whole lot of other books too.

=) time to be a bookworm of another sort.

Mol Pharm is definitely the bane of my existence.

Despite my beliefs in osmosis, sleeping with lecture notes and books is not a good idea... my back is really feeling sore now.

And then, I wondered how did I manage to sleep back home with books and magazines all around me. Ahah! It finally hit me that my bed at home is queen-sized. And the current one is a single bed. Adoi. >_<

Back to tablets. : )

me: what did i do in the past life to get such a cute, handsome, caring, kind and amazing brother like you?
bro: no its more like wat bad deeds i did last time.

EPIC!

what the hell is wrong with me?!

I felt like I have lost myself. Where has my mind gone to? Did my soul just escape this body of mine?

Am I too rigid? Am I following the rules too much? It is like there are two sides of lush green grass beside me but I am inclined to walk on the pavements instead - to follow the path laid by the ones before me.

This morning I sat for Molecular Pharmacology tutorial test. It was open-book. I had initially thought that we were allowed the bring lecture notes. But when I got the paper in my hands, it said: "You are allowed to bring tutorial notes". I freaked at that moment. Almost half of the notes I had in my file were lecture notes, not tute notes. I was adamant not to flip that part of my file open. Call me crazy, nuts, insane. I had no idea why I did that. At some point during the test, I was tempted to use McWilliam's protein notes but in the end, I stopped myself.

Yesterday, Chee Hou passed me the tute answers Nida prepared. I asked if she would be okay with his doing that. He waved my worries away, saying she loves to share. I know both Nida and Chee Hou did this out of good intentions. They love to help and share. They are very kind. But I just couldn't bring myself to use Nida's notes - her hard work. I spent all night preparing for tute questions that I didn't do beforehand, on my own.

I am not proud of the things I did during the tute test. The night before, I insisted on not using Nida's answers. But when I was desperate when it came to answering the Lisa Tee's pharmacology questions. I hadn't revised that. I know I am so screwed up. At the back of my mind, I know I would leave her questions unanswered again. So, I used Nomiki Melas and Anne Nguyen's answers that I had downloaded off Blackboard. I wasn't feeling guilty of using their work, but I felt like I had betrayed myself. My actions the night before and this morning were just so contradictory, I cannot understand myself.

Then, this afternoon was Pharmaceutical Analysis prac test. Everything was okay, until the time came for me to hand in my lab results sheet. I was so worried over the fact that I didn't sign off on the attendance list for the last lab two weeks ago. I talked to Louise (our lab supervisor) and she reassured me that it was okay. Then, feeling relieved, I walked back to Vickery House. My mind was blank and honestly, I had no idea how I could end up in my room safe and sound with that state of mind. Moments after settling in, I realised that I could have made another huge mistake. "Did I sign off for today's prac test?" ARGH!

I ran back to the lab. Louise had already gone home and a lady supervisor told me to find the most senior supervisor around - the bespectacled old man with blondish-gray hair (I had no idea what is his name). Running along the corridor of the School of Pharmacy like a mad girl, eventually I managed to find him. And he explained that the most important thing in the prac test was to hand in the results sheet. "Louise would have made sure you signed off the attendance," he said. I know that. I trust Louise's professionalism... but I just can't trust myself with things. My mind and soul have wandered off somewhere and I am just an empty shell now.

I am disappointed with myself. My performance in tests, labs, everything. I need to pass this sem's units, especially Mol Pharm. I want to pass. But for that to happen, I have to find myself again. To know my strengths and weaknesses... to get my mind and soul on the same track again.

ps: i have no idea what defines 'me'. my relationship with others? habits? likes? dislikes? occupation? ambition? religious beliefs? Who am i? i am constantly trying to find that out. i don't want to lose to myself.

Mimpi Siang

MY GOD! who am i kidding when i thought i could get into the VC list? >_<

jacys, dream on lah you!

right now, i am contented if i could pass every single unit this semester.

i am not ranting... just stating my thoughts. =D =D

*trying to stay afloat even though i couldn't swim*