Friday, June 4, 2010

what the hell is wrong with me?!

I felt like I have lost myself. Where has my mind gone to? Did my soul just escape this body of mine?

Am I too rigid? Am I following the rules too much? It is like there are two sides of lush green grass beside me but I am inclined to walk on the pavements instead - to follow the path laid by the ones before me.

This morning I sat for Molecular Pharmacology tutorial test. It was open-book. I had initially thought that we were allowed the bring lecture notes. But when I got the paper in my hands, it said: "You are allowed to bring tutorial notes". I freaked at that moment. Almost half of the notes I had in my file were lecture notes, not tute notes. I was adamant not to flip that part of my file open. Call me crazy, nuts, insane. I had no idea why I did that. At some point during the test, I was tempted to use McWilliam's protein notes but in the end, I stopped myself.

Yesterday, Chee Hou passed me the tute answers Nida prepared. I asked if she would be okay with his doing that. He waved my worries away, saying she loves to share. I know both Nida and Chee Hou did this out of good intentions. They love to help and share. They are very kind. But I just couldn't bring myself to use Nida's notes - her hard work. I spent all night preparing for tute questions that I didn't do beforehand, on my own.

I am not proud of the things I did during the tute test. The night before, I insisted on not using Nida's answers. But when I was desperate when it came to answering the Lisa Tee's pharmacology questions. I hadn't revised that. I know I am so screwed up. At the back of my mind, I know I would leave her questions unanswered again. So, I used Nomiki Melas and Anne Nguyen's answers that I had downloaded off Blackboard. I wasn't feeling guilty of using their work, but I felt like I had betrayed myself. My actions the night before and this morning were just so contradictory, I cannot understand myself.

Then, this afternoon was Pharmaceutical Analysis prac test. Everything was okay, until the time came for me to hand in my lab results sheet. I was so worried over the fact that I didn't sign off on the attendance list for the last lab two weeks ago. I talked to Louise (our lab supervisor) and she reassured me that it was okay. Then, feeling relieved, I walked back to Vickery House. My mind was blank and honestly, I had no idea how I could end up in my room safe and sound with that state of mind. Moments after settling in, I realised that I could have made another huge mistake. "Did I sign off for today's prac test?" ARGH!

I ran back to the lab. Louise had already gone home and a lady supervisor told me to find the most senior supervisor around - the bespectacled old man with blondish-gray hair (I had no idea what is his name). Running along the corridor of the School of Pharmacy like a mad girl, eventually I managed to find him. And he explained that the most important thing in the prac test was to hand in the results sheet. "Louise would have made sure you signed off the attendance," he said. I know that. I trust Louise's professionalism... but I just can't trust myself with things. My mind and soul have wandered off somewhere and I am just an empty shell now.

I am disappointed with myself. My performance in tests, labs, everything. I need to pass this sem's units, especially Mol Pharm. I want to pass. But for that to happen, I have to find myself again. To know my strengths and weaknesses... to get my mind and soul on the same track again.

ps: i have no idea what defines 'me'. my relationship with others? habits? likes? dislikes? occupation? ambition? religious beliefs? Who am i? i am constantly trying to find that out. i don't want to lose to myself.

4 comments:

  1. hah..? i don't understand the 1st part? you said it's open book, but then you don't want to flip the lectures?

    ....er, so, is it because that you want to answer the questions based on your own knowledge so you don't want to flip the lecture notes?

    or is it because it's written as 'tute notes' so you thought 'lecture notes' are not allowed?

    to tell you the truth, if im you, i will panic a little also lor. i will probably look around and see if anyone is using lecture notes or not.

    but then lately i don't care anymore, for my law test which is open book, i just use everything from my own notes to the actual worksheet i did during the law tutes, because really, im sick of tests, i just want to get it over with, so yeah.

    don't be too hard on yourself,ok,nobody's perfect and while you are not crazy, you might be too stressed out lately. Take a break and plan.

    Take care oh..

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  2. lol. sorry for writing such a confusing post. this was written and posted up right after i ran like a mad girl to find the lab supervisor... yeah, so i thought we could bring all notes to the test, and then on the test paper, it said: 'you are allowed to bring tute notes.' it didn't say anything about lecture notes, and i was a bit two-minds about looking at lecture stuff. i was freaked lor. not knowing what to do and not knowing if what i am doing is right, i just did exactly like the instructions on the test. sigh! i am as rigid, as kayu as a stick! grrrr... if only i don't have this crazy innate sense of following the rules too much. must be due to our formative years in Convent! GAHHHH

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  3. lolz. i do that a lot too. but honestly, do whatever that in the end, makes you feel at least a tiny bit better than if you did the alternative ^^

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  4. The end bit of your post pretty much echoes what I've been ranting about in my own blog, a couple of posts before. Cos for me, I realise I tend to define myself by what others think of me..and many a time when I attempt to fill those shoes, I lose myself. Hence, sorry..can't answer that cos I haven't figured it out yet. What defines me?

    But I guess, the only way I can think of it - is that what defines us, is a combination of all-of-the-above. We are overly complex creatures to be able to be defined by a single parameter. So maybe the question we should ask ourselves, is what DO we want to be defined as? Maybe that way, we'll be able to remodel ourselves, into the person we want to be?

    Ok, I suddenly don't quite understand what I myself just wrote. =P

    Point 2: Things like this happen, and its human nature to - in desperate times we defy the very principles that we hang on to; in protection of ourselves. You had the good intentions, and the principle of not taking advantage of another's work. It was in a desperate situation that you caved - and I'm very sure that all of us stickler-to-the-rules people would have done the same in that situation. I myself hate copying off others, and I'm not proud to say that I still did it before. The fact that you're chiding yourself over it shows that your conscience, at the very least, still hangs on to that thread of morality. I know of A LOT of people here, who will gladly copy off answers, notes and assignments EVERY SINGLE TIME, and are still very happy with it.

    We go through self-doubt every so often, especially when things aren't going so well. *hugs* Always remember that you're only human - and an awesome one, at that..so be proud. =)

    Pardon my rantings...my mind isn't actually functioning too well atm...lol...

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