The worst thing about coming home (for good) is finding space for the things you brought back. I am saying this obviously from experience.
I had thrown out most of my lecture notes and gave away my heftiest possessions. And yet when my five boxes of stuff arrived from Perth, they looked out of place. I wondered: Where should I put them? The space in my home has been occupied by my old things - books, magazines, little knick-knacks accumulated since forever. And it seems almost impossible to fit newer things into the existing landscape of my house.
In a similar fashion, I need the space for my emotions and experiences I brought back. I cannot explain it well, but something has fundamentally changed since I went off to study four years ago. I want to exert my independence, but I am afraid. I want to voice my opinions, but I fear judgment. I am still my parents' daughter, yet I want to be my own person.
My parents have expectations on what each person should aspire to achieve in life - family and ambition. I try to challenge that.
"I will only leave this world in peace once I have seen each of my children settled down with their own family."
"But what if I don't want to get married and have kids?"
"Everyone should strive to climb to the very top in the organisation they work in."
"Not everyone has the same goals as you."
It is not that I want to be confrontational. I just want them to pay attention to me, for once. People change. We all go away and come back with new baggage - both physical and emotional. I need space for the things I brought back with me. I need space for myself.
But where do I fit in this jigsaw puzzle of a place I still called home?
sometimes i feel that once you move out (even to study), you can't quite fit back in anymore. you have different opinions, goals, habits, routines once you leave home. although i think someday you should talk to your parents about your differing life goals. settled down with own family does not always mean settling down happily with a family, and striving to be the top in organization can be really bloody and unpleasant, right? it doesn't mean that you don't love your family anymore, or that you won't strive to do well/improve yourself in the workplace. you'll probably need to sort this out with your parents so that you guys don't end up at loggerheads. gambatte. i support yuen shin's choice to be your own person, and i believe you can do that and still be a good daughter =)
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