H.O.M.E = Heart Of My Existence

There is nothing I can do for my family when I am this far away.

I feel so removed from the reality that is troubling them at the moment, just because I am not there to see, hear or experience their anxiety.

And I am being bogged down by worries of my own too. My problem is just as significant to me, as with theirs to them. Nevertheless, mine pales in comparison to theirs, especially when theirs really is a matter of life and death.

All I can do is pray for my relatives back home. I hope they have got the strength to endure this challenge that Life has presented them.

p/s: can't understand what I am saying? it is okay. you don't need to know.

floating

Another SMS from home triggers emotions again. This time it was my eldest sis.

The buried feelings resurface and take form in front of me. They become clearer and I am able to describe them better now.

Lately I feel like I am just floating around.

Walking to lectures, tutorials or labs… buying groceries on my own… cooking for myself after a long day… listening to Australian accent every day, looking at Australian and international classmates from all over the world…

All these sights and sounds have become familiar to me. But it is an uncomfortable familiarity. It is as if I am seeing, but not living in the images I see. I am detached. “This is not my life that I am living,” I thought to myself occasionally.

Sis said this is because I haven’t found a ‘family’ here in Perth. “Is that so?” I wondered. I don’t think she is wrong, but she isn’t entirely right either.

This is a strange situation to be in. However, it isn’t all that bad. I have become a bit ‘un-feeling’… and that is all.

Temper just gets in the way of studying. >: (

Need to wave away such negative feelings!

PANIC!!!

... less than a month left... *faints*

when i am bored, i draw~

Okay, this is not me. XD This is the first real drawing that I did in my sketchbook. I really love pencil as a medium and smudge the carbon give more depth to the drawing. :)

mask

7 years ago.

As if by fate, out of a thousand different black-and-white photos strewn all over the floor, I chose that one.

A small bald boy with a mask over his face. He looked dull, expressionless even. We were asked to interpret the photo we chose.

The guest speaker began pointing his fingers at potential targets. I prayed hard, "Don't choose me... please don't." Maybe I didn't wish for it hard enough. He pointed his finger at me.

I told everyone that the boy in the photo was happy because he had something to play with. Lame, I thought to myself. The speaker went on with his own interpretation of the photo I had in my hands. He said: "I think that this boy is hiding himself behind his mask... masking his true feelings from others."

I looked at him and I just couldn't believe it. He and I thought of the same thing. But I was just too afraid to tell people of my own thoughts. I was afraid of being laughed at. Or arriving at the wrong conclusion.

7 years on, these feelings are still relevant in my life. Why am I so afraid to speak up, to voice out my thoughts? The face that I am wearing to show the world... is it mine or just another mask?

sure, sure... i passed both pharm analysis and primary care this time. but the results are less than satisfying. : (

sigh~

SKIP THIS POST. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Some people should stop assuming that everything will turn out all right for me just because it did for them the last time around.

Some people should stop comparing me with others.

Some people should just save their sympathy when I fail Mol Pharm. Because, I don't need your sympathy. I don't need you to be nice.

Some people should stop assuming that I am sad over the test result. The sadness is way over. It happened way before I knew my marks okay? The sadness happened soon after the test because I knew I did badly. But now? You should assume that I am angry with myself because that's what I am feeling right now.

Some people should stop assuming that I will give up just because of one failure. Okay, you might say it because you are trying to be nice but then again, please save your kindness for someone else. Who says I am giving up? Do I look weak to you?

p/s: this post is directed to some people (definitely not you, the reader of this ranting space) who think they understand me so much. oh no, they are so mistaken, babeh.

self-declared holiday

someone should really make Monday Blues an official disease.

i feel so tired now - like a thousand thugs have beaten me to a pulp and leave me to die. and that's why i decided to keep my hands off the assignment and lecture notes tonight.

MOGOK!!!!

getting up after a fall

It is beneficial if you can develop a study schedule and stick to it.

That was what Dad said in his SMS. I know I am making my parents worried, with my spiralling marks and all.

For me, a failure or a near-failure is the thing that keeps me on my toes. It is the thing that spurs me on and drives me on, reminding me: "You cannot repeat that same mistake."

I know I am the kind to rest on my laurels, or being too overconfident. That's why a fall is sometimes a good thing.

Should really get my act together now.

Ocean

Its beauty beckons
Its serenity calls
It pulls me in
And I can't ignore.

Its silvery water
Warms my heart
Though it is, at first
Cold to the touch.

The waves may soar
And come crashing down
Leaving me breathless
Making me drown.

But even so, I find
It is mostly kind
Gentle and sweet
Lightly sweeping against my feet.

We are inseparable
Like waves touching the shore
Love is like the ocean
And so much more.

-Ocean-
by jacys :)