ah, how bittersweet the taste of jealousy. the happiness of finding out about her small measure of success is marred by the bitter aftertaste of sadness for my pathetic self. no wonder i feel trapped in this body. i have never grown at all, neither physically nor emotionally. and i wonder if i have what it takes to be someone great, amazing. am i destined for a life of mediocrity?

the dreams that i have buried within the garden of my heart are probably never quite mine. because i don't have the courage or determination to make them come true. i am floating in this flow of life. doing what everyone does and living a life just like everyone else's.

it is puzzling as to how much i have given up on my past, just to catch a glimpse into the future, but only to find myself struggling to gain a firm ground in the present. how everything is mine but never mine. i am at loss of what to do with myself. the feeling of helplessness is like a constant mist around me. it is only briefly gone, blown away by the wind when i continue running in this path of life. but it loyally comes back when i stand still.

Malaysia's moment in time

It is all over the media now. Sensitive issues such as racism, that is. Some people view this new development with fear. They are afraid of the consequences that may follow - things like May 13 or Kampung Baru incident, for example. For me, I think it is a good development. Problems that plague us as a nation should be aired out in the public, debated and discussed, instead of being swept up under the carpet. It would be worse to have a nation of citizens apathetic to politics and current issues. It would be worse to have a community that is so unwilling to speak out against issues that matter.

I guess it cannot be helped that people are leaving in droves to emigrate to other countries when our very own is becoming like this. Instead of staying back and fight, they choose to give up. I don't really blame them but I feel very sad.

I believe that the day will come when we think of this period of 'social unrest' as another beginning for our country, and not the end.

PS: I also hope that the day will come for ex-Malaysians to regret their decision to leave the country.
To all the people who think that the Chinese should go back to China and the Indians should go back to India: The more you want me to leave, the more I want to stay. I really want to be an eyesore to people like you!

...like small kids whispering secrets to each other, as they are preparing to sleep.
...like a young couple in love, clasping each other's hands all the way.

i enjoy observing old couples in Perth. the elderly husband pushes his wife's trolley. they go out to buy groceries together. they take a leisurely walk in the park. in those small gestures, their love for one another just flows through and strike a chord in me.

i look at them, and then i often think: 'with so much love going around, the world probably isn't too bad.' then, i think of their kids and why they are not helping their parents out with the groceries. i feel the need to help them somewhat, because they remind me of my own grandparents. it's very strange, considering that i am not really close to my grandparents. maybe it's the guilt kicking in. 

to be able to find someone you love and he loves you back,
and stay together until each of you turns old and grey,
is nothing short of a miracle.

drawing therapy

i can hear you groan: 'oh no! another one?'. haha.

initially, i wanted her hair to be long and flowing freely in the wind. but somehow, her face doesn't quite match that. so i gave her a ponytail instead - which totally screams: 'schoolgirl!!'.

The world today is so depressing

This is what I get from reading the news - DEPRESSION.

Sad things are happening in Malaysia. Looks like I am not the only one who noticed the rise in sexual crimes in recent years. Nor will I be the last one who thinks baby-dumping is plain murder. Racist politics is polluting our country again.

A part of me wants to go back to Malaysia and punch the guilty party into an unrecognisable mass of pulp. But I know that is not feasible.

drawing again!

this is similar to something i drew back in secondary school. her hair looks like seaweed...

copied this from 'Boy in the World' cover. :P

Money is everything

In Malaysia (or everywhere else, for that matter), money is king.
Money can give you political power. It also works the other way around in Malaysia.
Money can certainly buy you fame.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it can certainly buy lots of stuff to make you happy.

No wonder two nights ago, I dreamt that I won a million dollar lottery.

Kansas by Vienna Teng: my interpretation

i've been humming 'Kansas' by Vienna Teng all week - in the bus, to classes, between lectures. her songs are so full of imagery. to me, they feel like snapshots of someone's life. each song tells a story.

I lay down in sheets suddenly worn threadbare
Every wall I lean on transforms to sliding doors and thin air
Well I hope yours is kinder
Let go of this when you find her

and i like this particular verse, especially the second line. i could see a woman (or girl) falling backward when the solid red brick wall she leans on fades away into nothing. she's lost an important person, who once supported her and gave her strength and stability.

Bury this hard
Down underneath your white canvas
Our houses of cards
Flat on the table like Kansas

and this verse suggests that she wants her ex-lover to move on. the white canvas symbolises a new beginning, a clean slate. she also implied that their relationship was fragile like 'houses of cards' and it has now ended.

It's not regret
Just an unexpected accounting of debts
Only now called
No it's not regret
Just remembrance is all
Of how close we had come
The war almost won
But I sent up our flag and moved on

she sings of her failed relationship, and yet she is saying: 'no, i am not regretting the way we turn out'. she is merely recalling the past - of how close they were to building a solid future, but difficulties encountered along the way made her gave up. this verse also suggests that she was the one who ended the relationship first.
 
i am tickled by Vienna's descriptions of Kansas. to her, it represents hopelessness. however, if i remember correctly, Joanna once mentioned in her Facebook status that she loves the vast blue sky of Kansas. hmmm, vast blue sky does give a very happy feel, don't you think so? and i remembered 3 years ago when Joanna announced she was going to study music there, Yan Qi (or was it Vern?) said this in response: "Oh when you mention Kansas, i imagine dried leaves being blown across the ground." (forgive me if this is not entirely correct... my memory is not very reliable after all.)
 
so, everyone has their own perception of Kansas? anyway, that is not what i wanted to say here. the point is, i love this song. i wish to find more songs like it and discover more musicians like Vienna.

the old buildings story

walking along the sidepaths in the city at night was a wonderful experience.

my eyes were attracted a couple of old buildings. peering into the glass for a moment revealed empty rooms with peeled walls and floor of dirt, big cylindrical pipes and wires were hanging haphazardly from the ceilings. simply put, those buildings were either in the middle of renovation or disrepair.

despite being so, i felt so much character reverberating from them. are you going to be born anew? or are you just fading into oblivion? those are the questions i would like to ask the walls - if only they could talk.

bits and pieces of my mind

these were written over the past year. somehow along the way, i stopped myself from publishing them on my blog. since i am so bored now, might as well let them see the light of the day.

15/2/10
Although my paternal grandma passed on last September, Chinese New Year is still being celebrated in our house. Dad is giving away angpows as usual. Decorations and red lanterns are up too.

Our family has been doing away with lots of old traditions and taboos, and we have to thank my late grandparents for this. They were the pioneers in our family; simplifying tedious rituals and getting rid of taboos.
I never once stepped on the cemetery land to visit the graves of my ancestors. My late grandparents were cremated and their ashes scattered out at sea. We don't have their graves to pay respects to during Cheng Beng. We just prayed at home. It is the thought that counts, right?
With their deaths, the circle has been broken; we no longer need to return to our 'ancestral' home for reunion dinner. This year marks the first Chinese New Year I celebrate wholly in TI. Our reunion dinner was a modest affair. We ate as a family....

5/2/10
Last week, I went to MPH and splurged RM99.20 on four books (3 fantasy, 1 manga).

Then, my sis asked: "Why do you like reading so much?"
The pertinent question here should be directed to you: "Why don't you like reading?"

14/12/09
Travelling in Malaysian highways is fun. Except paying toll, that is.

I love to sit in the back seat, with my siblings (this time around, only my brother) and Dad driving, Mom sleeping although she is supposed to be the co-driver.
Singing along to songs on the radio or my brother's Taylor Swift CD, watching the scenery as we zip through the highway at 110kmph, on lookout for mahogany trees (they are purple in colour!) or birds (spotted two eagles on two separate occasions)...
Back when I was still a kid, I used to be able to imagine various things out of the clouds in the blue sky - dragons, peoples, monsters etc. I would point them out, and asked my siblings if they could see the same things, and very often they could. Those moments were the highlights of my childhood memories. This time around, I find that I could no longer see them anymore. Maybe I lost my imaginative power, or I simply have grown up.
But increasingly, there is this overwhelming feeling of needing to reach out to those scenes

1/10/09
To Father Time,
Daddy retired two weeks ago.

And I am already 20.
Some of my friends also started to have boyfriends... if one of them suddenly announces their engagement and invites me to her wedding ceremony, I won’t be surprised. =)
I have been here, at Perth for almost 8 months now and there’s 60-odd days left to the journey back to Land of Glorious Food, Balmy Weather but Horrible Politicians – Malaysia.
Father Time, I know I am a horrible person for twisting your mind around. At times, I want you to walk slower, because I need to enjoy my holidays.
Sometimes, I want you to walk faster, so that I can go back to TI as soon as possible.I am so difficult to please, eh? I know. I know. Sorry.
I can remember the days when I was still a little kid, basking in the sunlight under the shady mango tree in my grandma’s house – an attempt to make myself look darker. (Since I was already teased for my dark complexion, I might as well make myself darker... that was what I thought.)
I can still remember the days in primary school, when it was monsoon season and the school grounds would be flooded with water. During that time of the year, I would bring an extra pair of slippers to school, in anticipation of floods. Sometimes we would be able to see an eel swimming around in the murky waters, or a crab. Or we would stand at the corridor; looking out at our school padang and it looked like a sawah padi. Glorious scenery, I would say.
I can still remember my first day in secondary school. We were all assembled in the canteen - all jam-packed against each other, being nervous and excited at the same time. That time, 5 years studying in one place seemed like forever and now, it seems like it never happened at all.
Father Time, people often say: Time heals. Now I could say that it is quite true. Because of you, the only place I had so wanted to run away from - now turns out to be the only place I want to return to.
Time flies. Or maybe it is just me... who is blind to your presence.

Boy in the World by Niall Williams

The story (from the blurb): J is a boy on the brink of adulthood. He discovers for the first time that his unknown father may still be alive and runs away from his small Irish village. His journey leads him to unpredictable dangers. J's upbringing by his remarkable grandfather had led him to trust the goodness of the world. But the events, some perplexing, some violent, he encounters on his journey, make him doubt his beliefs and his apparent ability to avert disaster for those he's with make him question his own identity.

My thoughts on this novel: Brilliantly written. It reads like a movie. Even though the language is descriptive, it is never boring. In my opinion, the story is magical because it is peppered with miracles (you could call them, coincidences) that give the unknowing J hope in times of despair.

Interesting quotes from this novel: 
"It's called Pascal's Gamble, or Wager. And it goes like this. If you don't know whether God exists or not, you can look at the best bet. If you live your life believing that he exists and you are wrong, you have lost nothing, but have lived a life of goodness. If you live your life believing that he does not exist and you are wrong, then in the end you would have to face him and the possibility of displeasure at the life you have led. So the best bet is to believe that he does. Because logically it's the best thing to do. You have the least to lose." -Bridget-

"Things do not stop although one person's heart breaks. Who even hears it?" -Master-

hijacked!

my laptop and i almost died today.

i was happily reading Yotsubato on Mangafox when my laptop started giving me weird signals and told me that it had been infected by 34 viruses - some of which might be the infamous Trojan. i panicked. my first thought was: Oh no! My anime and drama series! My song library! I made sure it is not a false alarm of some sort. I clicked on most programs and they won't start at all. They were blocked by the viruses. The laptop warned: "Application has been infected. Do you want to activate your antivirus program now?"

Bloody hell, my antivirus has been activated all this while! Grrr...

And then, Antivir Solution Pro (demo version) told me that i need to upgrade my protection and directed me to a website which sells the complete program, at approximately 40 USD. it claimed to be effective in removing viruses, spyware etc.

i started to be suspicious when:
no.1: i need to pay to obtain the full version of the antivirus program.
no.2: i couldn't enter any other websites, except Antivir Solution Pro's.
no.3: i don't remember downloading the demo version at all!

i figured out it must be a malicious spyware/virus masquerading as an antivirus program. i sent an S.O.S to my sister and she helped me Google my problem. apparently, this predicament of mine is really common. based on the instructions from my sis, i manually disabled the idiotic/cheater/liar of an antivirus program. and the problem was solved, somewhat. the creepy file is still lurking somewhere in my laptop and i am out to get rid of it!

THANK YOU sis and also Mei Ing (for letting me use her computer to communicate with my sis) for saving my laptop's life. XD

and NO THANK YOU to the people who invented computer viruses/spywares!