Gratitude

To people who...

... are able to read me like a book,

... hold me in high regards, even though I am only human,

... remember me even though we have been apart for so many years,

... listen to my problems,

... support me even when I am wrong,

... entertain me with their random stories,

... trust me with their secrets, dreams, desires and also problems,

... are counting the days to our promised meeting,

... teach me how to love,

You all make me feel loved, make my life beautiful, make me into a better person.

For all that and more, I am eternally grateful.

Hovering between extremes, nothing fits

Twins. Sisters. Been together since they came into this world.

Same schools, college, uni.

One Facebook account, one MSN, one email.

Oh, how I envy them. Two people with one soul, while I am one person with fragmented personalities.

I couldn’t even understand myself. How could I expect others to understand me?

Adulthood is probably characterised by when you cry alone in the room because of the hurtful things your parents said, they stop checking on you afterward to see if you are all right.

If only I have magic, I can move my things back to Malaysia with a wave of my wand.

If only I have magic, I could go back home instantly without going through the freaky plane ride.

If only I have magic, I could buy lots and lots of souvenirs such as chocolates and wines (Dad loves his alcohol) without worrying about my luggage being overweight.

Shopping

I hate shopping alone.


I hate going into the mall, without a definite idea of what to buy. I like to have a list with me, so that I know where to go and what to get and get out of the crowd as soon as possible.

Window-shopping is only fun when I have company – friends or family. Window-shopping on my own is just plain pathetic. Window-shopping when I think I am on the verge of near-sightedness and haven’t gotten myself a pair of specs is nightmare.

Buying perishable items such as vegetables or fruits are fun and hassle-free. They look nice and fresh, so I would buy them. If I did make a mistake by choosing the not-so-nice ones, the solution is simple: just eat them up. Mistakes are easily erased when they are edible.

Items such as luggage bags are a huge problem. They need to be long-lasting and look good at the same time. They mustn’t be too pricey or else I would feel short-changed and cheated. People judge you by the things you buy (or at least, that’s what I think). If I did purchase a pretty luggage bag that doesn’t last too long, people would go: ‘Oh, she buys things just ‘coz they are pretty. Tsk. Tsk.’ Or if it was an ugly bag that could last forever, it would be the bane of my existence. Getting rid of a huge mistake (and an inedible one at that) is impossible. Ugly things stay forever. Like the high school photos of you with bushy untameable hair that screams ‘Auntie!!!!’. It never disappears into the World of Rubbish, but it merely hides in the dark space that is your drawer until it emerges only to embarrass you again. Talk about déjà vu.

Thoughts are so transient, constantly moving like a river.

I could not stop them. They keep flowing. I feel I should record my thoughts somewhere, which was why I established this blog. But now even this blog only manages to capture a small measure of my thoughts.

Reluctant Visitor

I hate...

... the feeling of being a tourist, snapping photos of myself and a famous landmark, just to show everyone I've been to the place.

... buying big ugly T-shirts with "(insert name of famous tourist spot)" and souvenirs that look so obviously cheap.

... packing for trips because I have to think about how much clothes to bring, factoring in possible mishaps when taking a meal, sudden weather changes etc. That is why I always bring a huge luggage bag with me if I do go on holidays, which makes me look like an utter idiot.

I am possibly the laziest person you have ever seen. Sleeping is my hobby, and would do anything just to be home and watch TV. Drag me out and I shall scream and shout.

Sydney, beware for I am probably the most reluctant visitor you have ever encountered.

Eric's Song by Vienna Teng

I really wanted to write something personal, but I run out of things to write. So, instead I will introduce Eric's Song by Vienna Teng. Her songs are like poems, amazingly beautiful and deep.

Eric's Song

Strange how you know inside me

I measure the time and I stand amazed
Strange how I know inside you
My hand is outstretched toward the damp of the haze

And of course I forgive
I've seen how you live
Like a phoenix you rise from the ashes
You pick up the pieces
And the ghosts in the attic
They never quite leave
And of course I forgive
You've seen how I live
I've got darkness and fears to appease
My voices and analogies
Ambitions like ribbons
Worn bright on my sleeve


Strange how we know each other

Strange how I fit into you
There's a distance erased with the greatest of ease
Strange how you fit into me
A gentle warmth filling the deepest of needs

And with each passing day
The stories we say
Draw us tighter into our addiction
Confirm our conviction
That some kind of miracle
Passed on our heads
And how I am sure
Like never before
Of my reasons for defying reason
Embracing the seasons
We dance through the colors
Both followed and led


Strange how we fit each other

Strange how certain the journey
Time unfolds the petals
For our eyes to see
Strange how this journey's hurting
In ways we accept as part of fate's decree

So we just hold on fast
Acknowledge the past
As lessons exquisitely crafted
Painstakingly drafted
To carve ourselves instruments
That play the music of life
For we don't realize
Our faith in the prize
Unless it's been somehow elusive
How swiftly we choose it
The sacred simplicity
Of you at my side

Crush my heart, please

Never thought I could be this homesick. Every morning, during those last few minutes before I wake up, I would think of going home...

... going back to my newly renovated house in Teluk Intan, cooking dinner for my family, hanging out with best buddies, hopefully trying to improve my cooking skills, picking up guitar, writing a short story or two, eating all the delicious Malaysian food...

I am going to Sydney after finals, and frankly I am not looking forward to it. But I am definitely looking forward to meeting Wanlin and Livern there. What I am trying to say is, Sydney trip pales in comparison to the journey home.

I am regretting my decision to stay back in Perth until December. I really thought an extra 2 weeks would be all right. Now it just seems too long!

Just when I thought I could begin to appreciate those people around me, someone else comes around and destroys the reality I am trying hard to build. I am trying hard to be grateful for what I have in my life. I want to stop being angry with people.
Because for one, I couldn't really be bothered. I have much better things to worry about. Two, anger just robs your energy. Three, I sincerely believe in the law of kamma.
But why are some people so difficult to comprehend? Why couldn't we all be on the same wavelength?

Yuenshin, please appreciate those around you, no matter how tiresome they can be. You could be as tiresome as they are, but I am sure that they are being patient with you too. If you think your life now is bad, think again. It could be much worse.

Now, go back study.

Had a long chat with Shu Ning on Msn. I always thought I am atheist. But it turns out I am agnostic after all. Thanks for the enlightening me, Shu. I have always believed in the existence of a higher power. But I do not feel comfortable following a set religion. I was brought up in a Buddhist/Taoist family. My father, although is a believer in the Dhamma, keeps saying things like: “Do your best and leave the worrying to the Lord.” You can say I was pretty confused. “Should I believe in God or Buddhism?” I thought to myself.

Then a couple of months back, something struck me as I was thinking about this. Why does this world have so many different religions? How could we believe in different things when essentially we are the same people, who are living in the same universe – sharing the very same existence? In the end, I decided that indeed, there is a higher power that governs this world, and created everything in it. I look at Mother Nature and the beauty in it, and I could feel He exists in such things. Because He is great, I could not know everything there is to know about him. I may not be able to know the truth about Him now, but I think I will only when I die.

To me, it is okay to not know everything about Him. I am okay with not having a specific set of beliefs. I decided to focus on the present – to focus on the love in my life. I love my family and friends, and they love me too. That is all I ever need to know to continue living this existence of mine.

***

I simply do not understand parents who disown their kids for following a different religion. To me, faith is something innate that grows in you. What you believe in may not always be the same as others. Why do parents think kids will always follow their beliefs? Why disown your own flesh and blood whom you have loved for all your life, just because they are different? Nothing could ever change the fact that they are your kids, in spite of the differences in religion.

***

Defend your religion with violence, and people would think your God is violent. Defend it with love and people would think that your God loves.

That is what I honestly believe in.

6 years ago.

It was a black and white photo of a coffin. Thousands of rose petals were placed on top of the coffin - a beautiful way of saying goodbye to the departed.

But this was what Mrs Lim said when she showed us the photo:

Those flowers are meaningless because the person is dead. What is more important is the way you treat someone when they are alive.

So, say 'I love you' and mean it. Hug the ones you love, if you have the chance.

We can't live forever. Life is short.

Don't ever take the person you love for granted.

When Words become Wishes...

... they turn into wonderful things.

Pharmbiol - Over!

So many things are over for me.

1) Pharmaceutical Biology exam is over. Thank god. One hell of a paper. Some of last year's questions came out and ours truly is really stupid for not even glancing at it, which is there for all to see on the library's website. Why... I even have a copy of it in my laptop, but I wasn't bothered to do it because I thought: "Hey what are the chances of the questions coming out again, right?" RIGHT?

WHAT THE HECK! I am so angry with myself. *SCREAM*

2) Because of the reason above, I am so over (at least for this paper anyway). Yours truly left one whole question blank (which is nothing new, ever since I took SSABSA, it has been impossible for me to complete a whole test on time) and crapped through the rest of it. I left the glycolysis question half-done, simply because I can't remember the rest of the process. Credit to Nicole whom I stumbled on Facebook about an hour before the test. She asked me about krebs cycle, which I thought was glycolysis. Oh my, blur me. That prompted me to glance at it once, and I posted some of intermediates involved in glycolysis as my Facebook status. Since I posted only SOME of the substrates involved, naturally those were the few that I could remember for the exam. Who says Facebook is useless? It helped me to salvage, like what, 2 marks (out of 112) for my biology exam. Yay.

3) And to think I actually enjoy Pharmbiol. I really do love biology, more so than chemistry (even though so far, all my Chemistry teachers and lecturers are the coolest educators in the world - Miss Tang, Pn Hairul Amani, Dr. Paul Murray (he has his own fanpage on Facebook - I'm not joking) and Dr. Connie Locher. But today, the test just kills my interest in biology.

So, for reasons 1, 2 and 3 above, I know I should dig a hole and bury myself in it. But, hmm... I am not as sad as I should be - which is really odd, you know. I should bawl and cry my heart out but I am not sad. Just MAD at myself. *Sigh* The feeling of relief when something hellish is over, is just amazing. It dilutes all the other feelings, just like an exudate would dilute the concentration of microbes at the site of infection.

It's 3 in the Morning, and the Coffee is Working, But...

I just don't have the mood to study.
This is not what I had in mind when I drank Nescafe at around 9pm.

Finals is on Monday. And Dad is right. If I cut down on my internet time, I might just have enough time to revise everything... NOT.

I seriously need to swear off the net, this blog and Facebook included.

Fragments

Images of you

Your voice

Like scattered fragments

Remain in my consciousness still

In me

You live.

My thoughts on Single-stream Schools

I think it is a good idea. Different schooling systems ie vernacular and national schools, are divisive. How do you unite Malaysians of various descents when they haven't got the chance to mix around?

But I must say that now is not the time to implement it. It is not because our people are not ready for such a change. Some of those in the position of power - those who hold posts in the government - are not ready for such a change. They have very racist views, which is such a shame because when the rest of the country wants to move forward, they are pulling us back.

If I were to have kids in the future, I would like them to go to a school where there are other Malaysian children from various cultures. I hope they would learn to look past the shades of one's skin, and rather focus on the strength and goodness of one's character. It is also my fervent hope that they are taught by teachers who are colour-blind as well and that the children would partake in various cultural activities that enhance their understanding of what Malaysia is all about.

Could this be done? Only time will tell.