turning sadness into kindness

this is a song from Naruto, one of my favourite animes. it's called 'Kanashimi wo Yasashisa ni' which means 'turning sadness into kindness'. it is a bit too long to post the whole translation of the song, so i will just choose a few parts/paragraphs (?) to share.

this is dedicated to all friends who are having tough times in their lives.

turning sadness into kindness
your uniqueness into strength
it's okay to get lost so begin walking
once again, once again

do you like to be praised by
answering everyone's expectations?
will your smile always be beautiful
even if you hide your true self?

it's natural like the rainbow
that somehow appears after tears
the rain stopped

so the most important thing is
always without any shape
even if you have it or lose it
you'll never know

turning sadness into kindness
your uniqueness into strength
believing that you should be able to do it
once again, once again
once again, are you ready?

definitely bad news after a good one

Haha! I woke up late today. Slept late, that's why. Not to mention, my hand has a mind of its own. Must have turned off the alarm clock. I can't find any other reason why I would be springing out of my bed (quite literally) at 7.50 am and subsequently reprimanded by BD, along with the others.
Thank god for 'herd immunity'!! This shows I really did learn something frm BD's lectures, eh?

He was all: "You should respect the lecturer, other students blah blah blah. I live north of the river, and I could be on time blah blah blah. You are all adults. Wake up early blah blah blah."

I felt like standing up and say it to his face: "At least we made an effort to get here and attend your lecture. We show up today, and that means we respect both you and the subject." But on second thought, I suppressed that desire to refute him. He was handing out our midsem papers, you see. Don't want to give a horrible impression in a test feedback session. :S

Hey ho! I got a decent mark for Immuno, all thanks to good old McWilliam. He was pretty lenient in marking. I am sure I passed this one. But then, I thought of Mol Pharm...

Ah well, I have gotten myself prepared to fail that one. Let's keep our minds focused on Primary Care and Pharmaceutical Analysis, shall we?

p/s: posted this on Xian Ni's blog by accident. I managed to delete it. Phew~~

The Cheah family doesn't have any musical genes?

It was as if I had opened a Pandora box of secrets when I bought Yui-chan.

It was recently that I realised my family is not very artistically inclined. We love to sing, if that is what you mean. But that is as far as the music in us goes. Dad plays the harmonica a little, but I am sure his skills are now as rusty as the old harmonica in the kitchen drawer (don’t ask why it’s the kitchen of all places).

Being born in that sort of a family where no one plays an instrument and knows zilch about music, I had my qualms about picking up guitar. I was worried about the cost, paying for lessons, what others would think, what my family would think... etc. My worries were like a bottomless pit. Last year, I really wanted to get one here in Perth during the winter. And when I told Dad about it, he said: “Are you sure you could do this?” It was very off-putting. I was disappointed that he said something like that to me. In the end, I gave in into his perception of me. I let the intention slipped away but the thought of it just couldn’t leave me.

And this year comes along. I finally bought a guitar for myself for various reasons. Everyone in my family was surprised. I bet they thought I was only warming up to the idea but would never act on it. And I am glad I proved them wrong.

Then, everyone started telling me their near-brushes with getting an instrument themselves. My second sister told me she wanted to enrol for guitar lessons in GB. Instead of getting a guitar, Dad brought her to the Chung Seng Bookshop and got her a harmonica instead. I laughed when she related this story but it wasn’t a petty matter to her back then. She was only about 13 after all.

And my eldest sis wanted to take piano lessons back in primary school. When she told Dad, he insisted that he had asked her about it before and she had refused. My sis had no recollection of such an event happening. Why was Dad so discouraging about us taking music lessons? The only reason my sisters and I could come up with is that our family was barely scraping by on Dad’s paycheck. That could explain the lack of family vacations too.

The greatest revelation so far had to come from my old man himself. When Dad first came to TI, he actually enrolled in guitar lessons in Yamaha School but was put off by theoretical part of music. He quitted after only one lesson. Could this be the reason why he discouraged us (albeit subtly) from taking up music? I could only guess.

When I broke the news that I finally bought Yui-chan, I caught that element of surprise in his email. After relating his experience at Yamaha, he said, “I think the Cheah family hasn’t got any musical genes.” I was furious with this remark because it was as if he is looking down on me. But then, the next email came – “I wish you could prove me wrong.”

Yeah, Dad... I want to prove you wrong. More importantly, I want to make myself happy. If I don’t do what I like now, then when can I do it? If the right time is not now, then when will that be?

Being an adult (gasp!) beginner at something is never easy. I can’t read music and I plan to be self-taught. I don’t expect myself to start playing the guitar immediately and I want to learn things at my own pace. Even if I do give up in the future, I won’t regret this decision. This is something I really wanted after all.

About the ‘musical genes’ thing, I don’t take that crap. As long as we put our efforts into something, we can improve. Now, that’s what I believe in.

I am Flow, Dilatant Flow.

I want to be a dilatant flow material, that becomes more and more viscous as more shearing stress is applied.

Okay, all the three tests before this SUCK! Or more like, I sucked in them.

I know, I haven't done much studying prior to sitting for the tests. And logically, I shouldn't be expecting much. In fact, I am priming myself for the fact that I am going to fail Immuno and Mol Pharm, with Mol Pharm being a definite fail because I didn't even complete half of the paper. >: (

Anyway, with that in mind, I just want to move forward. I think it is okay to cry a while, but not for too long. I cried for like 10 minutes when I found out my Pharmaceutics marks. And then, all the sadness was quickly watered down. I kept telling myself: "Hey, you shouldn't expect too much. You reap what you sow."

So what if I screwed the first half of the semester? There is still another half. I can change what has yet to happen, right? So cliche... I know. But I want to believe in them.

Quotes of Woe

With her bare hands, she reaches into the deep crevices of her head and found ...

... nothing.

The ultimate form of sadness is one when you can't even feel sadness anymore. You just feel numb.

Oh no! I have no space to keep Yui-chan!

Ahahaha! Yup, that's the name of my brand new guitar! XD

I thought guitars are supposed ot be big, bulky musical instruments that are going to break my back the moment I pick them up. So when I finally held it in my hands, it was like: "WOW. It is so light!"

I had thought of giving my first guitar manly names, eg Takumi, Yasu, Ren or Azuma (but nah, Azuma should be reserved for flutes instead. ;P) So my Mr. Guitar turns out to be a Miss Guitar. : )

It took me a year to finally decide to learn it, and another 3 agonising weeks to choose the precise brand and model. In the end, I picked out Yamaha F310 - a beginner guitar model that Vern introduced to me. Not to mention, it only took me about 10 minutes to officially own it. How ironic.

Haha. I went out at 9.15am empty-handed and came back at 11.45am with a guitar. Now that's what I call 'magic'!

Why am I so desperate to pick up an musical instrument?

I have always been interested in music. I love to sing along to my favourite songs.

But after a downpatch lately, it seems to me singing is no longer enough. There isn't any suitable avenue for me to vent out my frustration. Whenever I go online, I wish to talk to someone about how I feel... but once I manage to get hold of someone, I just can't find the right words to express them. Heck, I don't even know what exactly is my problem.

I am still searching for the 'me' from 6 months ago, who proudly declared to the world that she loved studying. Can you please come back and be one with me again, so that I no longer feel so miserable?

My heart says...

"JUST DO IT!"

Haha. I have been thinking about getting myself a guitar (and hopefully, a flute next) for the past two weeks. I have been googling the various brands, consulted so many people and talked about it almost every day that they will puke the next time the word 'guitar' comes up again.

Anyway, so when I have decided to get myself one, the next big question is: "Should I get a cheap guitar or one that I really like?" :S My problems are endless, you see...

So eventually, I decided to buy a new one next week when I am supposed to be using all the spare time in the world to study for Mol Pharm.

Mol Pharm, I have to put you on hold 'cos Mr Guitar has been waiting for me all week! : P

Shine by Vienna Teng

In this desert land
I know some rain must fall
See where we began
We've come so far
On this harbor shore
We hear the ocean call
In our minds at war
We have so far to go

Shine with all the untold
Hold the light given unto you
Find the love to unfold
In this broken world we choose

In unending storms
We search for space to breathe
How our hearts are worn
We've come so far
In this desert
How we blossom and we cease
Tell your story now
We have so much to know

With the immuno test paper and my half-baked answers in front of me, I felt a twinge of guilt.

And then, I thought: 'If only I didn't watch animes or drama during the break..."

Wow. I never thought I would say that. Ever.

Scatterbrain

That's me. My thoughts flying everywhere when I really need it to focus on important matters.

I should be studying, and not looking at online ads for second-hand flutes or guitars.

:-(

Thank You and I Love You

Today, I SMSed my dad and told him: 'Daddy and Mimmy, I never got the chance to thank you for not moving us all to KL. Because of that, I have great friends in my life.'

To which he replied: 'You are welcome. Mimi and I are happy that we've made the right decision for not moving. Because of this, I became the modern Marco Polo. In fact, I beat him flat in terms of distance. I've driven (besides flying), >1 million km - ie >40 times circumference of the Earth. It is a scary thought and no wonder my head is thinning fast.'

I LOL-ed at his SMS, but my parents' sacrifices are real.

I am really fortunate to have friends whom I have known since primary school. I used to be able to memorise all 37 names in our class - not only because I was once the assistant class monitor - but because, I had seen those names for so many times over the course of my schooling days.

*But I must admit, my memories are getting rusty now.*

This is all made possible by my parents, who insisted on not relocating the whole family when Daddy got his promotion. It was a tough choice to make, and to live through. But they made it anyhow.

And now that I realised this little but very important fact, all I could say is 'Thank you and I love you'.