a random malay poem from me

hari-hari begini berlalu pergi
jiwaku derita melayan sepi
coretan pensel bagai melodi
memecahkan kesunyian hati

I dreamt that I was back in school, in that beige-peachy coloured classroom. It was a whole new year. Time to elect a new class committee. Someone suggested my name as the class monitor. All right. It was something I expected. The minute ticked by and nobody suggested another name. I looked around.

'Shankari's name! Someone please suggest her name!' I screamed aloud in my head.

In the end, I was elected the class monitor. I was aghast. Shocked beyond words. I was afraid to lead a class of 37 people.

'Shankari, please take over for me!' I pleaded silently.

All this while I have been scared to admit my own faults and weaknesses. I push responsibilities onto another person. I take my friends and family for granted. And Shankari, you bore the brunt of my selfishness because of our many years of partnership. You are our one and only class monitor. No one could replace you!

ps: dreams can reveal so much about myself. it is an astonishing phenomenon.

Merdeka Day Countdown Celebration

It was 30th of August 2005. Decked out in our oversized blue Ts and jeans, we went to town. It was bustling with activity. Mamak stalls and other food joints were already crowded with people. It was a grand celebration, with our own Perak's Crown Prince coming to town. There were probably other non-locals within our vicinity as well. We bumped into a few friends along the way. They looked amazingly pretty, probably taking the chance to date... who knows? We were teenagers, out to have some good fun.

We marched on to Clock Tower. The square where the Tower is located was already brimming with people. I cannot remember intricate details of that night. But there were many performances - Malay dances, Indian martial art, etc. The Crown Prince looked like a speck of dust from where were. We sat among other fellow citizens, singing patriotic songs with all our might.

When the clock struck 12, we all shouted the magic word - 'Merdeka!". We sang our national song and waved the Malaysian flag. Singing with heartfelt emotions, we watched the fireworks display in the midnight sky. It might be excitement or adrenaline rushing through my veins, but at that moment, I swore I was proud to be a Malaysian.

Why am I reminiscing the distant past, you wonder? By reading the news, I am a tad disheartened by the politics and the ever prevalent problem of racism in our country. But I only have to reflect upon that night again, to remind myself that I am a Malaysian through and through.

can you say that again, please?

i sat on the bench, drawing in my sketch book, waiting for my flight. a young pilot came to me and demanded my attention. i looked up and he said:

'i like you.'

i was stunned. i stood up and saw him slowly disappear from my view as he took the escalator. he was late for his flight. i felt my cheeks burning, but i mustered to courage to ask him one last question before he was gone. 

'are you kidding?' i yelled, hoping that he could hear.

he gave me that apologetic look with a charming smile on his face and tapped on his watch. he mouthed....


... damn. i can't remember what he was trying to tell me. the dream proceeded to tell all sorts of stories and i met almost everyone i knew, except the pilot. after the dream marathon was over, i woke up and tried desperately to go back to Slumberland again. but the effort was futile.

questions no one can answer

maybe i was around 5 when i realised that this world is impermanent.

and all sorts of difficult questions popped up in my head. before i was born, what was i? where was i? if i were dead, where would i go? what would i be? then, i felt afraid of the future. i don't want to grow up. i want to stay forever like this, as a kid. all these thoughts left me dizzy, sick, nauseous.

even though so many years had passed since that first realisation, i still feel that way about this world, about the future.

the sudden urge to...

... write short stories.
... read Malay novels or short stories.
... download every single romance comic out there in the cyberworld.

~sigh~

results release - FINALLY

nervousness sank in around afternoon, ironically when i was trying to get some peaceful sleep. so instead i did my usual thing - online, reading manga, listening to music. the jitters were gone for good.

and i refreshed Oasis results page every 10 minutes. But when time inched closer to midnight, i didn't want to see my results. weird, huh?

but all was good. i did ok. the difficulty level of our pharmacy course is like an RPG game. it gets tougher and tougher each time. but i am sure if we survive the battles, we can defeat the Big Boss.

ps: dad and mom going out to a nice restaurant tomorrow to celebrate my results... yeah, when i am dunno-how-many-miles away from home. such geniuses, my parents.  

my love philosophy

I thought it was just another phone call from Dad. But when he passed the call to Mom, the flow of conversation changed – even though at that point in time, I didn’t know.

“In your uni, there are lots of boys and girls, right?” she asked.
“Errr… yeah?” I replied. Isn’t that obvious, Mom? I thought to myself.
“Go on and make more friends. From there, get a boyfriend,” she said.

i was shocked. couldn’t breathe. my mom giving me THE TALK. i never expected this! that is the very last thing i want to hear from her.

i am feeling the pressure from my peers already. one by one, they are heading down to the dancefloor with their partners, waltzing along to the summer music while i stand near the refreshment table, sipping my drink and watching from the sidelines. that is why i don't need Mom to say the obvious.

I would be lying if i say i don't want a boyfriend. who doesn't? but these things need time. and i am one who believes in fate. i probably already have my mind all screwed up by fantasies of 'prince charming' and 'the one'. that is precisely why i am waiting. but logically speaking, i don't need someone special because my life has been 'so far, so good' without him.

i don't need a guy to complete my life. but if he could colour my life even more, that would great. right now, i just want to focus on the things important to me - my family, friends, studies. i just want to seek happiness in my own little ways, at my own pace. happiness lies within me, not with someone else.

ps: i am not sure if i wrote stuff like this on my blog before. that goes to show how bad my memory is. if by chance that is the case, i should really give myself a good slap. :P

images and words long forgotten

something popped into my mind just now. "Is my fanfiction.net account still there on the web?"

and yes, it is! it has been 6 long years since i last logged in. i was very infatuated with Harry x Luna canon back then. i spent most of my holidays thinking of a great storyline to bring them together. alas! JK Rowling decided that Ginny should be Harry's bride and Luna marries some random rock-star. *frowns*

reading my own fanfiction is really odd, because i can't remember what i wrote. even the words i used back then now seem so alien to me. it devastates me when i realise that i have lost significant writing skills ever since i stepped out of secondary school.

english and malay were my favourite subjects in school. of course, i enjoyed english more because i get to write stories. saving myself from a fire, running away from monsters, falling in love with a boy whose Time has stopped, falling in love with an enemy soldier, living my nightmares... those were among the few adventures i experienced through writing.

i guess i really let my imagination run wild back then. now, nothing ever comes to me.

the images and words which i have forgotten... would they ever come back to me? 

weird dreams

being somewhat imaginative, i have my fair share of quirky dreams. some are fun, while most are scary.

the worst so far was one i had of a few years ago. i dreamt that i murdered someone (she was a friend). i chopped her body up into many pieces and threw them into a wooden case. and that wooden case was placed in the attic.
as i was talking to another person, a weird liquid escaped from the wooden ceiling. blood was dripping out from the case, and down through the wooden floorboards of the attic. that was how my crime was found out.

interesting, eh? but i remembered being so scared of the dream. probably i was scared of myself really. would i be capable of such murder? that question haunted me for several years.

on a lighter note, a dream i had yesterday was marvelous. i couldn't remember the gist of it. but, for the very first time in my whole life, i heard music in my dream. it was an old Cantonese song - 1970s, i think. yeah, i would rather listen to something artistic or classical. alas! i have no control over my dreams.

let's be more musically-inclined next time, my dear subconsious mind!

as promised ;)

the one on the left is titled 'maybe kiwi' because it reminds me of Kiwi, a character from Le Gardenie. did this yesterday night.

on the right is 'hajar'. i drew this from a photo (not memory, definitely). Hajar is hardworking, sweet and kind. i would always remember her as the girl with immense passion for Go - a chess-like game, common in East Asia. Sweet memories of us playing Go during Intec Sports Day.

drawing bug?

it seems that i could only concentrate on one single thing at a time.

when winter break first started, it was the guitar. then novels. then anime. of course, i do a bit of everything every day. i try to.

as the night falls, i find myself restless. reaching out for the long-forgotten sketch book, i sketch and sketch the minutes away.

finally after many months of forsaking the pencil and paper, i come up with something i could be proud of... i think? will post up the picture soon. :)