Old Journal

I rediscovered my old journal, tucked carefully under the clothes in the cupboard. I never thought that it would survive Mom's massive cleaning sprees. It seemed to me that she had helped me save that precious little book of mine.

In the beginning, the journal wasn't meant to be one. It was supposed to be a St. John's Ambulance book, detailing all the songs and rules that members have to abide to. But I ceased to be a member once I graduated from primary school and the book somehow, along the way, became my journal. I poured my hopes, despair and various feelings into it. It absorbed my tears. I doodled in it. My Dad once used it as his Sudoku book. My brother sketched images of robots and dragons in its pages. =.=lll

All in all, it has been with me for the past 9 years - an amazing feat for someone who has a knack for losing things.

This is a Malay sajak I wrote in the journal back when I was 17. Go ahead and laugh if you want to.

Nampakkah engkau
diriku yang sebenar
di sebalik topeng bermuka gembira
senyuman yang palsu
sinar mata yang mengaburi
realiti
Pandanganmu kabur sahaja
matamu terlalu memilih
mungkin telah hampir buta
Di antara engkau dan aku
ada satu
dinding kaca yang kabur
lihatlah dengan teliti
perasaan hatiku
Nampakkah engkau
sekarang?

I just realised that I haven't slept in ever since I came back from Perth. At 8.15 am sharp every day, my mother and father would drag me to breakfast at their favourite kopitiam.

This morning, I got my hair cut. Haha, sorry to friends who have yet to see my long hair. It is now non-existent! Not that I mind anyway...

And I checked my results in Oasis - I PASSED! I am not as happy as last semester, but I think that is because I am less worried this time around. I did what I could during the exams, and I told myself to accept reality, regardless of the results.

To my beautiful and hardworking Yuin-cheh, GOOD LUCK and ALL THE BEST in your finals! I love you always and always. Can't wait to meet you!

Going Home

2 more days and I will be home. I am not as excited as I should be, because I am fretting about storage and packing things all the time.

Finally, I am sitting on a bed that is without any covers or blankets, in a room almost devoid of my personal belongings. Currently, my stuffs are all in the living room, waiting to be moved to my friend’s house (I don’t know where it is, so I just have to wait for my friends to come by).

I will miss this room a lot. 10 months of familiarity and routine are not easily forgotten, you know. I do hope I will return to the same place next year, but things are very hard to predict.

I am anxious about going back. Will there be drastic changes at home? Will everyone still look the same and act the same? Will I still be able to recognise the scenes and landmarks of the highways I used to travel on?

Edit: Got my books and other miscellanous items to my housemate's new home. I hate this helpless feeling when I have to depend on others. But I couldn't be more thankful for their help. Thanks Amy, Kevyn and Ranekha.

Some Unspoken Words...

... cannot be written down either. There are moments when I consider privatising my blog, giving access only to few select readers. Some of the things I really want to convey in this space, could be hurtful to people I care about. Then again, harbouring those thoughts at the back of my mind doesn't exactly make me any less guilty.

Might consider getting myself a journal this summer break...

I am not perfect, so shoot me.

Gratitude

To people who...

... are able to read me like a book,

... hold me in high regards, even though I am only human,

... remember me even though we have been apart for so many years,

... listen to my problems,

... support me even when I am wrong,

... entertain me with their random stories,

... trust me with their secrets, dreams, desires and also problems,

... are counting the days to our promised meeting,

... teach me how to love,

You all make me feel loved, make my life beautiful, make me into a better person.

For all that and more, I am eternally grateful.

Hovering between extremes, nothing fits

Twins. Sisters. Been together since they came into this world.

Same schools, college, uni.

One Facebook account, one MSN, one email.

Oh, how I envy them. Two people with one soul, while I am one person with fragmented personalities.

I couldn’t even understand myself. How could I expect others to understand me?

Adulthood is probably characterised by when you cry alone in the room because of the hurtful things your parents said, they stop checking on you afterward to see if you are all right.

If only I have magic, I can move my things back to Malaysia with a wave of my wand.

If only I have magic, I could go back home instantly without going through the freaky plane ride.

If only I have magic, I could buy lots and lots of souvenirs such as chocolates and wines (Dad loves his alcohol) without worrying about my luggage being overweight.

Shopping

I hate shopping alone.


I hate going into the mall, without a definite idea of what to buy. I like to have a list with me, so that I know where to go and what to get and get out of the crowd as soon as possible.

Window-shopping is only fun when I have company – friends or family. Window-shopping on my own is just plain pathetic. Window-shopping when I think I am on the verge of near-sightedness and haven’t gotten myself a pair of specs is nightmare.

Buying perishable items such as vegetables or fruits are fun and hassle-free. They look nice and fresh, so I would buy them. If I did make a mistake by choosing the not-so-nice ones, the solution is simple: just eat them up. Mistakes are easily erased when they are edible.

Items such as luggage bags are a huge problem. They need to be long-lasting and look good at the same time. They mustn’t be too pricey or else I would feel short-changed and cheated. People judge you by the things you buy (or at least, that’s what I think). If I did purchase a pretty luggage bag that doesn’t last too long, people would go: ‘Oh, she buys things just ‘coz they are pretty. Tsk. Tsk.’ Or if it was an ugly bag that could last forever, it would be the bane of my existence. Getting rid of a huge mistake (and an inedible one at that) is impossible. Ugly things stay forever. Like the high school photos of you with bushy untameable hair that screams ‘Auntie!!!!’. It never disappears into the World of Rubbish, but it merely hides in the dark space that is your drawer until it emerges only to embarrass you again. Talk about déjà vu.

Thoughts are so transient, constantly moving like a river.

I could not stop them. They keep flowing. I feel I should record my thoughts somewhere, which was why I established this blog. But now even this blog only manages to capture a small measure of my thoughts.

Reluctant Visitor

I hate...

... the feeling of being a tourist, snapping photos of myself and a famous landmark, just to show everyone I've been to the place.

... buying big ugly T-shirts with "(insert name of famous tourist spot)" and souvenirs that look so obviously cheap.

... packing for trips because I have to think about how much clothes to bring, factoring in possible mishaps when taking a meal, sudden weather changes etc. That is why I always bring a huge luggage bag with me if I do go on holidays, which makes me look like an utter idiot.

I am possibly the laziest person you have ever seen. Sleeping is my hobby, and would do anything just to be home and watch TV. Drag me out and I shall scream and shout.

Sydney, beware for I am probably the most reluctant visitor you have ever encountered.

Eric's Song by Vienna Teng

I really wanted to write something personal, but I run out of things to write. So, instead I will introduce Eric's Song by Vienna Teng. Her songs are like poems, amazingly beautiful and deep.

Eric's Song

Strange how you know inside me

I measure the time and I stand amazed
Strange how I know inside you
My hand is outstretched toward the damp of the haze

And of course I forgive
I've seen how you live
Like a phoenix you rise from the ashes
You pick up the pieces
And the ghosts in the attic
They never quite leave
And of course I forgive
You've seen how I live
I've got darkness and fears to appease
My voices and analogies
Ambitions like ribbons
Worn bright on my sleeve


Strange how we know each other

Strange how I fit into you
There's a distance erased with the greatest of ease
Strange how you fit into me
A gentle warmth filling the deepest of needs

And with each passing day
The stories we say
Draw us tighter into our addiction
Confirm our conviction
That some kind of miracle
Passed on our heads
And how I am sure
Like never before
Of my reasons for defying reason
Embracing the seasons
We dance through the colors
Both followed and led


Strange how we fit each other

Strange how certain the journey
Time unfolds the petals
For our eyes to see
Strange how this journey's hurting
In ways we accept as part of fate's decree

So we just hold on fast
Acknowledge the past
As lessons exquisitely crafted
Painstakingly drafted
To carve ourselves instruments
That play the music of life
For we don't realize
Our faith in the prize
Unless it's been somehow elusive
How swiftly we choose it
The sacred simplicity
Of you at my side

Crush my heart, please

Never thought I could be this homesick. Every morning, during those last few minutes before I wake up, I would think of going home...

... going back to my newly renovated house in Teluk Intan, cooking dinner for my family, hanging out with best buddies, hopefully trying to improve my cooking skills, picking up guitar, writing a short story or two, eating all the delicious Malaysian food...

I am going to Sydney after finals, and frankly I am not looking forward to it. But I am definitely looking forward to meeting Wanlin and Livern there. What I am trying to say is, Sydney trip pales in comparison to the journey home.

I am regretting my decision to stay back in Perth until December. I really thought an extra 2 weeks would be all right. Now it just seems too long!

Just when I thought I could begin to appreciate those people around me, someone else comes around and destroys the reality I am trying hard to build. I am trying hard to be grateful for what I have in my life. I want to stop being angry with people.
Because for one, I couldn't really be bothered. I have much better things to worry about. Two, anger just robs your energy. Three, I sincerely believe in the law of kamma.
But why are some people so difficult to comprehend? Why couldn't we all be on the same wavelength?

Yuenshin, please appreciate those around you, no matter how tiresome they can be. You could be as tiresome as they are, but I am sure that they are being patient with you too. If you think your life now is bad, think again. It could be much worse.

Now, go back study.

Had a long chat with Shu Ning on Msn. I always thought I am atheist. But it turns out I am agnostic after all. Thanks for the enlightening me, Shu. I have always believed in the existence of a higher power. But I do not feel comfortable following a set religion. I was brought up in a Buddhist/Taoist family. My father, although is a believer in the Dhamma, keeps saying things like: “Do your best and leave the worrying to the Lord.” You can say I was pretty confused. “Should I believe in God or Buddhism?” I thought to myself.

Then a couple of months back, something struck me as I was thinking about this. Why does this world have so many different religions? How could we believe in different things when essentially we are the same people, who are living in the same universe – sharing the very same existence? In the end, I decided that indeed, there is a higher power that governs this world, and created everything in it. I look at Mother Nature and the beauty in it, and I could feel He exists in such things. Because He is great, I could not know everything there is to know about him. I may not be able to know the truth about Him now, but I think I will only when I die.

To me, it is okay to not know everything about Him. I am okay with not having a specific set of beliefs. I decided to focus on the present – to focus on the love in my life. I love my family and friends, and they love me too. That is all I ever need to know to continue living this existence of mine.

***

I simply do not understand parents who disown their kids for following a different religion. To me, faith is something innate that grows in you. What you believe in may not always be the same as others. Why do parents think kids will always follow their beliefs? Why disown your own flesh and blood whom you have loved for all your life, just because they are different? Nothing could ever change the fact that they are your kids, in spite of the differences in religion.

***

Defend your religion with violence, and people would think your God is violent. Defend it with love and people would think that your God loves.

That is what I honestly believe in.

6 years ago.

It was a black and white photo of a coffin. Thousands of rose petals were placed on top of the coffin - a beautiful way of saying goodbye to the departed.

But this was what Mrs Lim said when she showed us the photo:

Those flowers are meaningless because the person is dead. What is more important is the way you treat someone when they are alive.

So, say 'I love you' and mean it. Hug the ones you love, if you have the chance.

We can't live forever. Life is short.

Don't ever take the person you love for granted.

When Words become Wishes...

... they turn into wonderful things.

Pharmbiol - Over!

So many things are over for me.

1) Pharmaceutical Biology exam is over. Thank god. One hell of a paper. Some of last year's questions came out and ours truly is really stupid for not even glancing at it, which is there for all to see on the library's website. Why... I even have a copy of it in my laptop, but I wasn't bothered to do it because I thought: "Hey what are the chances of the questions coming out again, right?" RIGHT?

WHAT THE HECK! I am so angry with myself. *SCREAM*

2) Because of the reason above, I am so over (at least for this paper anyway). Yours truly left one whole question blank (which is nothing new, ever since I took SSABSA, it has been impossible for me to complete a whole test on time) and crapped through the rest of it. I left the glycolysis question half-done, simply because I can't remember the rest of the process. Credit to Nicole whom I stumbled on Facebook about an hour before the test. She asked me about krebs cycle, which I thought was glycolysis. Oh my, blur me. That prompted me to glance at it once, and I posted some of intermediates involved in glycolysis as my Facebook status. Since I posted only SOME of the substrates involved, naturally those were the few that I could remember for the exam. Who says Facebook is useless? It helped me to salvage, like what, 2 marks (out of 112) for my biology exam. Yay.

3) And to think I actually enjoy Pharmbiol. I really do love biology, more so than chemistry (even though so far, all my Chemistry teachers and lecturers are the coolest educators in the world - Miss Tang, Pn Hairul Amani, Dr. Paul Murray (he has his own fanpage on Facebook - I'm not joking) and Dr. Connie Locher. But today, the test just kills my interest in biology.

So, for reasons 1, 2 and 3 above, I know I should dig a hole and bury myself in it. But, hmm... I am not as sad as I should be - which is really odd, you know. I should bawl and cry my heart out but I am not sad. Just MAD at myself. *Sigh* The feeling of relief when something hellish is over, is just amazing. It dilutes all the other feelings, just like an exudate would dilute the concentration of microbes at the site of infection.

It's 3 in the Morning, and the Coffee is Working, But...

I just don't have the mood to study.
This is not what I had in mind when I drank Nescafe at around 9pm.

Finals is on Monday. And Dad is right. If I cut down on my internet time, I might just have enough time to revise everything... NOT.

I seriously need to swear off the net, this blog and Facebook included.

Fragments

Images of you

Your voice

Like scattered fragments

Remain in my consciousness still

In me

You live.

My thoughts on Single-stream Schools

I think it is a good idea. Different schooling systems ie vernacular and national schools, are divisive. How do you unite Malaysians of various descents when they haven't got the chance to mix around?

But I must say that now is not the time to implement it. It is not because our people are not ready for such a change. Some of those in the position of power - those who hold posts in the government - are not ready for such a change. They have very racist views, which is such a shame because when the rest of the country wants to move forward, they are pulling us back.

If I were to have kids in the future, I would like them to go to a school where there are other Malaysian children from various cultures. I hope they would learn to look past the shades of one's skin, and rather focus on the strength and goodness of one's character. It is also my fervent hope that they are taught by teachers who are colour-blind as well and that the children would partake in various cultural activities that enhance their understanding of what Malaysia is all about.

Could this be done? Only time will tell.

Update

I am grateful for the marks I get for all my assessments so far. Now I have to work doubly hard for the upcoming finals.

I am missing my family and friends dearly - every single day. Can't say every hour, minute and second, though because I would lying if I said that. I miss having you guys to talk to just about everything and anything under the sun. I miss getting big bear hugs from you guys, hanging out with you guys. >_<

I had already registered my name for the supplementary exam overseas. Hopefully this effort of mine will be wasted, because I really want to pass finals with flying colours. No supp, please!

Tugging My Heartstrings

Sheesh. I am already starting to dream about going back to Malaysia when I am supposed to be studying for tomorrow's Pharmaceutical Bio lab test. :(


4th of Dec 2009! I can’t wait!!!!

Winging Things

Shelley (my Pharmaceutics lecturer) said that there are two types of students in the lab. One is the ‘happy-go-lucky’ type and the other ‘studious, serious’ type.


Well, I want to be the ‘happy-go-lucky’ one. Why? Because I feel like ‘winging’ every single practical exam and theory test to come. :S

I think I am ‘winging’ things now anyway, since I hardly study (example: I should be studying for Friday’s Pharmaceutics calculation test but I am writing this!).

And the School of Pharmacy has already sent us emails this afternoon, requesting us to register for overseas supplementary exams (if we want to) BEFORE we even sit for the exams. What the heck. I got a huge shock and a huge dilemma. Should I register or should I not? I haven’t even seen the exam papers yet! How is it possible for them to ask us to REGISTER for SUPPLEMENTARY EXAMS now? It is like a bad omen!!!

Sigh. But judging from my condition now, I think I should. At least, my dad thinks I should – as a precautionary measure. Who the hell wants to spend over a thousand dollars on a plane ticket just to take supp in Perth when I can do it in Subang Jaya, right? RIGHT??

Anyway, I feel like I am high on caffeine.... that is why I am writing crazy stuff like this when I should be studying.

Lab Manual, Willpower and Other Stuff

Phew! I have finally completed chemistry lab manual! It is not part of the assessment for Pharm Chem, but definitely an integral study material for tomorrow’s lab theory test. Sigh. That is exactly why I had been scrambling to complete everything – plotting the graphs, doing the calculations etc. Trust me to put things off until the very last minute (test is 8am tomorrow). :P


Anyway, I have proved to myself that I could commit myself to studying the whole day if I wanted to. It is all about sheer willpower! (I am talking like Naruto already.) For me, willpower and determination will kick in 24 hours prior to exams.

The coming two weeks will be super busy with various assessments – prac exams, lab tests, computing test etc. Talk about crazy. All lectures are already done and over with, save for Pharm Bio (4 lectures on kidney), Epidemiology and Pharm Chem’s drug solubility lectures. Thank god for all the empty lecture slots. I definitely need more time to study. :(

Everyone, let’s work hard (and smart!) for the coming exams!

GO! GO! FIGHT!

Curtin's Pasar Malam

Undoubtedly the biggest event in Curtin that I have ever attended. Scratch that.


The only event I attended this year! XD

So many stalls were set up – Malaysian, Singaporean, Indian, Japanese, Hong Kong food – all in Alcoa Court. I had tonnes of fun just walking around, absorbing the pasar malam atmosphere (sorry, no pictures taken because I was too busy buying food).

Oh yeah, kudos to Zack, Aleen and Didi for setting a stall of their own at the event. They sold keropok lekor, char kuey teow, cendol etc. Their keropok were great but I think they required more flour and spicier sauce to go with it! :D

I splurged so much on food! Typical me. :P Chee cheong fun (leave that for tomorrow morning, can’t eat anymore), Bak kua (expensive, but I wanna eat!), keropok lekor... and the best buy has to be SATAY!!!! Omg... queuing up for about an hour for it is absolutely crazy business. But you know what? It is all worth it because it is so good! Now, I wish to replicate the recipe!

Ah, all the Malaysian food makes me miss home even more... >_<

My Song

I was in Hollis theatre, waiting for biology lecture to start when I began to realise the meaning of the song that I was listening to on my phone.


Maybe I'd be better on my own
No one ever seems to understand me
It's easier for me to be alone
But there's still a piece of me that feels so empty


I've been all over the world
I've seen a million different places
But through the crowds and all the faces I'm still out there looking for you
Oh


Where are you now
I'm trying to get by with never knowing at all
What is the chance
(What is the chance)
Of finding you out there
Or do I have to wait forever


I write about the things I'll never know
But I can't find a moment just to slow down
It makes me think I'll never have the chance to figure out
(To figure out)
What it's all about
(What it's all about)
So tell me what it's all about 'cause


Where are you now
(Where are you now)
I'm trying to get by with never knowing at all
What is the chance
(What is the chance)
Of finding you out there
Or do I have to wait forever


Yeah
La da da da da da da da
Oh
Ooh
Ooh


Where are you now
I'm trying to get by with never ever knowing at all and i still don't know
Where are you now
(Where are you now)
I'm trying to get by with never ever knowing at all
What is the chance
(What is the chance)
Of finding you out there
Or do I have to wait
Or do I have to wait
Or do I have to wait forever


Ooh
Ooh
Yeah


-Where are you now? By Michelle Branch-

The most ironic thing is that I have listened to this song so many times before, without realising what it meant – until that very moment in the lecture theatre. And it describes exactly how I feel.

***

I have been writing about it, thinking about it, dreaming about it, looking for your face everywhere. Sometimes I feel I shouldn’t because I am still trying to find my place in this world, and because I am loved by my family and friends. I should feel blessed.


But I am neither greedy nor desperate... because this heart of mine remains empty.


So, where are you now?

Habitat

Yes, I am still going to stay in Vickery House (on-campus accommodation) next year. Now I have one less thing to worry about.Well, I did think about staying off-campus before.

There are many potential benefits, for example:

1) Choose your own housemates. I need housemates who respect my privacy, who are not too noisy when it's past midnight, cleans up the mess after she cooks, and the list goes on and on. Then again, I think I need to be grateful for what I have now, lest I get a more horrible housemate next year.

2) Freedom to do things that I like, eg. sing at the top of my lungs in my own room or bathroom (for that matter). Here, the walls are so thin that I can hear people cooking even though my room is the furthest from the kitchen.

3) No more cleaning inspections! I don't hate it per se, since it forces us to clean... but it really gets on my nerves when I have to do my duty during exam period or when I am busy with studying. Last sem's horrendous experience: I still had to clean the bathroom even though I had just returned from Chem exam and it was already 10pm! =.=lll

4) No 'where-to-put-my-stuff-when-I-go-back-to-Malaysia' headache. If I rent a house, I would just dump my belongings there, since I already paid the rent. =)

Despite my extolling the goodness of staying off-campus, I love the convenience of waking up an hour prior to lecture and still arrive on time. Or when I have an hour break in between classes, I can still go back to my room to chill and have a snack. That's what Vickery House is for me. Convenience. Haha.

Nodame Cantabile ~ The End?

According to Wikipedia and also the scanlated version of Chapter 135, Nodame Cantabile manga is going to end soon.

Sigh. From what I have read so far, the resolution seems a bit too rushed... but it is great that Chiaki-sempai and Nodame always manage to find the way into each other's arms despite everything that has happened.

I am going to miss Nodame when it ends. Will I mourn because it has come to a conclusion or will I rejoice over a great run? Only time will tell.

An Autumn Day

They say,
It is just an autumn day.

I see
A bird
Swooping down
In graceful flight.

I feel
The breeze
Caressing my skin.

I hear
The leaves
Rustling in the wind
Like unwritten melodies.

I see, I feel, I hear
              Showers of leaves
Gently drifting in the air
              In various hues, of
Orange
             Red
                     Yellow
                                 Brown
                                             Mauve

They say,
It is just an autumn day.

Little update!

Spring beckons and the weather is really bright and sunny.

Love this weather. Both cap and sunblock are now being put to good use.

Gotta keep adrenaline pumping and get lazy cells to start working!

Lab tests and final exam looming on the horizon... ALERT! ALERT!

To Family and Friends (you know who you are), miss you all!

Exactly 2 more months to go!

To Father Time

Daddy retired two weeks ago.

And I am already 20.

Some of my friends also started to have boyfriends... if one of them suddenly announces their engagement and invites me to her wedding ceremony, I won’t be surprised. =)

I have been here, at Perth for almost 8 months now and there’s 60-odd days left to the journey back to Land of Glorious Food, Balmy Weather but Horrible Politicians – Malaysia.

Father Time, I know I am a horrible person for twisting your mind around.

At times, I want you to walk slower, because I need to enjoy my holidays.

Sometimes, I want you to walk faster, so that I can go back to TI as soon as possible.

I am so difficult to please, eh? I know. I know. Sorry.

I can remember the days when I was still a little kid, basking in the sunlight under the shady mango tree in my grandma’s house – an attempt to make myself look darker. (Since I was already teased for my dark complexion, I might as well make myself darker... that was what I thought.)

I can still remember the days in primary school, when it was monsoon season and the school grounds would be flooded with water. During that time of the year, I would bring an extra pair of slippers to school, in anticipation of floods. Sometimes we would be able to see an eel swimming around in the murky waters, or a crab. Or we would stand at the corridor; looking out at our school padang and it looked like a sawah padi. Glorious scenery, I would say.

I can still remember my first day in secondary school. We were all assembled in the canteen - all jam-packed against each other, being nervous and excited at the same time. That time, 5 years studying in one place seemed like forever and now, it seems like it never happened at all.

Father Time, people often say: Time heals. Now I could say that it is quite true.

Because of you, the only place I had so wanted to run away from - now turns out to be the only place I want to return to.

Time flies. Or maybe it is just me... who is blind to your presence.

Muse

Yes, I need my Muse now.

Where is she?

I am trying to construct a poem because I have so much time on my hands. But now, I am stuck halfway and cannot continue. :(

Politicians

Dear Malaysian politicians,

I would like to ask you to ask your own conscience (if you so happen to have a tiny bit left) – what are the reasons you join politics? To me, politicians should be leaders of the community, the society, the rakyat. Politicians should have a definite stand on issues, based on your knowledge and experiences. We expect you to lead us with a moral voice, a clear vision and direction as to what changes or things that you want to happen in our country. But all I see is destruction of the very foundation that our forefathers built.

You claim that this country is a model of tolerance and unity. But your eyes are akin to those of tinted glasses; you can’t see us who are different.

You claim that the nation is prosperous under your leadership. But all I could see is poor people still living on the streets while your coffers just seem to grow larger and larger by the minute.

You claim that this no leader is indispensable and that everyone should leave when their time comes. But you do not leave even after support for your leadership has waned.

You claim to want to develop our nation. But how developed could our country be if you single-handedly brought up a whole generation of narrow-minded people, just like you?

Where is your conscience?

Perth Weather

I do love Perth weather after all.

I love walking in the sun, with the cool breeze caressing my skin.

Perth Weather-san, I think I will miss you when I go back to Malaysia.

Ranting 101

So what is wrong with getting a zero for my lab, huh?

I am okay with getting a zero for Chloroxylenol Solution BP, so why shouldn't you?

Today is already an achievement for me. I spilled the solution, but then at least I got it right. It didn't turn cloudy when I diluted one drop of the solution with 19 drops of water (meaning: the soap is formed, and hence, I was on the right track).

I was clumsy again and it spilled. I didn't cry at all even though I would normally. But instead I geared myself into making the next prep. So what if I got a zero? I think I deserve a little credit for being able to smile in the lab, no?

So I don't appreciate you saying to me and pat me on my shoulder: "Oh, don't be sad about getting a zero." Hey, I know you are trying to be nice, but PLEASE, get off my back, will ya?
I didn't even show a speck of sadness when you were talking to me. I didn't even EXPLICITLY SAY that I was SAD or DEPRESSED or whatever.

Thank You

Thank you for being concerned about me, when in fact you are dealing with your grief.

I know now that it is more heartbreaking for you to convey such a sad news to me.

And you cried too.

Thank you for crying together with me.

I realise the gravity and selflessness of your love.

Thank you Mom and Dad.

Sorry/Goodbye

My paternal grandma passed away at home yesterday morning.

And I was here (still am) in Perth.

In the same time zone and yet, being so far away from Malaysia.

Can you see the irony?

Yes, I cried a lot yesterday night when I received the news.

I am sad that she passed away.

But more so, I am remorseful that I am so far. I knew her time was coming, I was hoping I could be there when she passed on. I know I am so foolish and more than that, selfish in thinking that way.

I am remorseful for thinking of her death so often, when she was alive. Sometimes, I wished for Death to come knocking faster for her, so that she would suffer less, because the way she had been living for the past two years wasn’t really living at all.

The way she pined for my late grandfather, calling out his name when we were all perfectly aware that he was long gone.

The way she could not remember us (her grandchildren), the way she could hardly see our faces.
It was all painful for all of us to bear.

I am remorseful because despite what I told everyone about not being there at her wake, I knew perfectly well that there was no point in me going back to attend the ceremony.

I feel bad for thinking that way. But funerals and wakes are for the living, not the dead. The moment she stopped breathing, the grandmother we all knew was gone. If I wanted to show filial piety, I should express it (in many, many ways) when she was very much alive – not when she is lying cold in the coffin.

Thank you Popo for being such a kind grandmother.

Sorry for all these things I said in this blog. You could be hurt if you know this, for sure.

But I love you. We all love you. Goodbye.

Emo Me >.<

If there’s one very important thing I learnt from ‘Criminal Minds’, it would be this: The bedroom is an externalisation of oneself.

I think that is quite true for me. When this semester first started, I cleaned my room thoroughly – wiping, vacuuming and throwing all the unwanted junk. It was neat, after a hard day’s work.

Now, barely a month after my room is turned into a pigsty again. It is something that happened so slowly. I throw something over here and another over there. Repeat that for a few times, it seems like a hurricane has trashed my room.

The only explanation I could give is that my room reflects my emotional condition. I had been a wreck lately, emotionally, that is. This is one part of me that I am trying to make sense of – the insecure, unconfident me. All it takes for me to fall into this pit of darkness would be something minor, regardless of its form.

I guess with love being so far away, makes everything harder. I always thought that even when I am far from people who cared about me (and vice versa, of course), I would still feel loved. But I am clearly naive. It is easy to doubt the sincerity of people I know. I would begin to read between the lines when I talk to people. I would try to guess their thoughts and feelings. It was difficult. I would begin to detest people around me, because they are so perfect... because they seem so unproblematic.

Then, I decided to mask my true feelings. Slide the mask on and I would be a happy ‘Me’. Yeah right. I now found that it is really difficult to do as well. I feel fake. Why must I try to hide my feelings? Why can’t the world accept that there are angry, rude, imperfect beings like me? Just accept it!

But everything changed just now because I talked to Leekuan on MSN. It was fun to chat again. It was fun to rant to someone I am really close to. The therapy that I alluded to in the previous post is ineffective. It worked for a while, but the seed remains. Chatting is what made the difference in me. I feel better, even though I don’t understand why. The main issue is not being addressed yet, I think... but my angry feelings are being alleviated a little.

Thank you for chatting with me, Leekuan. Love you lots. Eat my share of wat tan hor when you get back to Malaysia in November, okay?

Therapy for Me

Never mind that I have written a whole page worth of ranting (about screwing up labs) in Microsoft Word. I have deleted it.

I guess I am sick of repeating myself, no matter how frustrated am I over the issue.

But writing all your thoughts out and then DELETE them, is pretty good therapy. At the very least, I got something out of my chest. It still hurts when I think of it, but I guess I will get over it pretty soon.

Hand me a pillow and hopefully I will sleep all my worries away.

Rainy day

Walking in the rain

With my own pace

My jeans are soaked to the knee

Others are ahead of me

My umbrella’s flimsy

Theirs strong and sturdy

But it is okay

That I am a little unprepared

I will be

For the next rainy day.

Long Overdue

9/8/2009 3:07:07 PM

I have taken a long break from studying and finally decided to update this poor blog of mine. It has been a whole month since I posted anything up – not that anything in my life is worth mentioning. But I think this blog really needs a tiny bit of dusting, no?

***WASO and Perth Concert Hall***

The whole winter break I spent in Perth was a mixture of boredom and little bit of fun. I had short excursions to various places around Perth, most notably Fremantle. In the course of 5 weeks, I had been there 3-4 times.

Then, on the last Friday of winter break, my housemates and I went to Perth Concert Hall to watch the West Australian Symphony Orchestra (WASO) perform. I amazed myself by saying ‘yes’ when my housemate asked me to go (way back in March or April, I think). As we are university students, we got discounted tickets! It cost me about 15 dollars, if I remember correctly. Anyway, yours truly is someone who has zero knowledge about classical music and the workings of the orchestra. All the information I know about orchestra I gleaned them from Nodame Cantabile manga (thank you Ninomiya-sensei!). Hence, I was like a little girl thrown into a weird insecure world. I didn’t know what to expect, actually.

But overall, the performances were great. I nearly fall asleep, partly due to a long exhausting shopping trip that very afternoon, and also because a couple of the pieces they played were kind of boring (sorry for not able to notice the subtleties in music!). Because we got seats in the upper gallery, I got a three-quarters view of the orchestra. It was such a shame that I could not get a proper view of the harp. Perth Concert Hall also houses small stalls that sell souvenirs, such as miniature grand piano and flute (for decorative purposes only). They looked so real and so fragile, as if they might snap if I hold it on my palm. I would love to go to the concert hall again (WASO performs regularly) but too bad, my schedule this semester is a little crazy. I even have to study during tuition-free weeks because of impending tests.

***This Semester, Doom and Gloom***

I have noticed a peculiar thing about Curtin. It says on our academic calendar that we have 14 weeks of classes, but in actuality, there are only 12 because of 2 tuition-free weeks. So essentially, I have to study 5 units (Pharmaceutical Chemistry, Pharmaceutical Biology, Genetics in Pharmacy, Pharmaceutics, Epidemiology and Biostatistics) in 3 months! Talk about crazy!

This semester is the same as before - lectures, labs and tutorials, as usual. One good thing is that I don’t have any major assignment to do. Even the subjects are more interesting. Genetics fan, anyone? The lectures are held at 8am every Monday and I surprised myself by staying awake throughout the whole lecture. Nevertheless, I am quite proud of myself. On the other hand, I screw labs as usual. The worst labs have to be Pharm Chem and Pharm Bio. I failed in every single experiment I do, I might as well just skipped the whole thing. :/

***Ghost of Myself***

I used to speak up in class (English classes in Intec, tuition classes back in secondary school). I was a loud girl (thanks to my Hakka genes from my paternal grandma, I suppose). Or was it the sense of achievement that I attained from arguing with authority figures like teachers? Anyway, I was LOUD. Hence, I thought I could adapt fairly well in Curtin (Angmohs are loud too, right?).

But I think I was getting ahead of myself. Here, I have never interrupted a single tutorial class with an intellectual question before, nor did I ever approach a lecturer or tutor for further clarification on any subject (even though my head is full of question marks). I was quiet and invisible. If I had gone missing from Curtin for a whole semester, I don’t think anyone, apart from my fellow JPA scholars, would notice my disappearance. I want to speak up in class so badly. I am the type of person, whose hand would shoot up high in the air if a question was asked – provided I know the answer to it, of course. I guess, being able to provide opinions and answers to questions posed in classes make me feel important and I like that feeling. (I am doing psychoanalysis on myself here. Yeah, it sounds crazy.)

But as I look around me, the friends I know aren’t saying anything. I am not blaming them, but somehow when they don’t speak, I don’t say anything too. Now, I am really blaming myself for this situation I am in. Why am I so afraid to speak up? I envy those Australian kids with their phenomenal sense of confidence. They could say anything they want and not feel embarrassed by it. They could talk loudly in labs, ignoring the supervisor who is speaking in front and yet, be able to successfully accomplish their experiments AND talk in a natural manner to the very same supervisor whom they ignored half an hour ago.

Why can’t I be like that too, huh?

I am ashamed of myself because I don’t like the situation I am in and yet, I do nothing about it. As I look at my friends, I would think: “They look happy to be the way they are. They are completely fine becoming passive students in class. Shouldn’t I be?”

***Note***

This post is a reflection of my pent-up thoughts and feelings which I wanted to convey in this blog for the past one month but I was forced to put them on hold due to excessive use of Internet. Hope you guys can understand why this post is so convoluted and incoherent. =)

PS: Oh, this blog should be less dusty now, I think.

Good News

I PASSED! ALL SUBJECTS!

This has to be a miracle. I don’t think my efforts in studying warrant such a good thing, but it did happen after all.

Official notice at Curtin’s website stated that results would be out at 5pm on Wednesday. My housemate claimed that results would be out by midnight.

I was chatting with friends online (notably Shu Ning and Sze Hou) when Mei Ing suddenly nudged me on MSN and told me that results were out. She promptly gave me the link.
I refused to believe that results were out that early – 17 hours earlier than as stated on Curtin website. By then, I was hyperventilating, my fingers turned cold. The suspense was killing me.

But after I typed in my student ID and everything, the results looked too good to be true.
My academic status is: GOOD STANDING – which means I passed all subjects and I am allowed to re-enrol in the subjects for next semester.

Phew. That is the only thing I need to know. Not grades or marks. Just a confirmation that I could continue doing pharmacy would be sufficient.

Thank you everyone for the support and encouragement. Love you all. Muaks. =D

It is like the butterfly I could never catch.
It is my dream which I couldn’t grasp.
I wish for my dream to come; but should I go to it instead?
I used to see pictures from which words overflow.
But now, I only see emptiness in the depths of my soul.

Storm

It was the stormiest night I had ever seen in my life.

The winds blew and shook the trees so hard – I thought they were going to fall. The wind was so loud that it sounded like a thousand cars whizzing past me. My window rattled violently.

Despite it all, I stood inside my room and looked out the window. I felt a certain peace coming over me.

The way the trees shook in the cold winter winds against the blue velvet sky was astoundingly beautiful.

I wished I could be out there, experiencing it all.

Let the winds take away this indescribable pain that was welling inside of me.

Let the rain wash away my tears.

Random Poems

Note: I have been feeling immensely bored that I wrote several poems. Urm, I won't consider them as poems - I merely see them as attempts at rhyming things up. So, enjoy!

the pages are torn,
can't be restored
tried to patch them up
the tear is still there
black ink seeps through the papers
right into the deepest layers

***

He passes by
She cannot breathe
His steps in rhythm with her heartbeat

***
touching the sunshine fields
and the breeze in my hair
the fragrance of the hills
hanging in the air

***

Oh Wind, Oh Wind,
That blows on strong,
Could you please show me,
where I belong?

***

If my life were to end here,
There’s so much to regret,
I have tonnes of novels that I haven't read!

Day-Long Trip: Book Mania Continued!

I had always thought that Aussie weather forecast is damn accurate. Nope. I was wrong. It was predicted that there would be increasing showers today. Well, a few drizzles wouldn’t constitute ‘increasing showers’, would it?

But thank goodness for that, because finally I was able to embark on the trip to Fremantle. My housemate, JM (not Jiamun, but close!) woke me up this morning, saying that if I were to agree to go to Fremantle with her, she would skip volunteering at Bentley Park (an aged care facility). I looked out of my window, and thought: ‘Gee, I could hardly sleep last night. I really wanted some rest.’

But the thought of exploring more second-hand bookshops excited me so much that I decided to forego some beauty sleep (yes, I looked myself in the mirror when I was in Cotton On – my eyes were horrible swollen and puffy). Anyway, both of us took a bus to Fremantle and during the 45-minute journey, we talked. Well, she did most of the talking.

Fremantle is really a beautiful city, with well-preserved old buildings and wonderful atmosphere in the air. Really, in terms of shopping, it even beats the city of Perth itself. Oh, there are a couple of old churches and sculptures. They look so wonderful that I regretted not taking photos.
My housemate went on a little shopping spree at first (deviating from our original plan of buying books). We spent quite some time in Cotton On, due to the fact I urged her to try on the clothes she intended to buy. Who would simply buy anything without trying them on first? What if the colour doesn’t look good on her? Or what if the size is completely wrong?

After shopping, we walked around, looking for any bookshops in the vicinity. I remembered seeing a jovial old man singing some country songs on his guitar. Boy, was he good! I wished I had the time to listen to more of his songs. Fremantle is like that. There are a lot of live performances being played up for the tourists. In fact, some shops are only open on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays – special for tourists!

We went to two Elizabeth’s Secondhand Bookshop in Fremantle today. It is weird to have two branches of the same bookshop operating so near to each other. Then again, dear old TI has several Mastan Ghani restaurants and two Gulam Rasul restaurants – and TI is not that huge to begin with. Anyway, Elizabeth’s has quite good selections, generally speaking. I bought two books – The Drowning Tree by Carol Goodman and The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz. I picked the first because Jik Jane told me before about Carol Goodman’s books and I thought this one could be good too. Then the second is simply a random pick – I remembered reading about this book getting a particular literary award.

After two Elizabeth’s bookshops, we headed over to Bill Campbell’s Secondhand Bookshop. As I stepped into the place, I got very good vibes from it. The shop is small, but has that very personal feeling. It has that welcoming feeling lacking in most bookshops. The books are arranged in the shelves up to the ceiling (not that the ceiling is very high but still high enough for me not to reach it). It has a wide range of books – philosophical, crime, political, children’s books etc. The prices vary, but most are tagged at half of its original price. I bought four books there (it really is a book haven for me) – The Sonnet Lover by Carol Goodman, A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini, The Tenderness of Wolves by Stef Penney and The Horse Whisperer by Nicholas Evans. The first two novels are still in great shape; like they are still brand new but the other two have that worn, used look. I can’t promise myself to like all the books I bought, but hopefully I made the right choices.

I was feeling immensely happy but lugging around six novels could be a pain. We took a train back to the city and from there, we went to the State Library Shop (my second trip this week). I bought another book (Teacher Man by Frank McCourt – yay, I got all three of his books!) while my housemate bought four novels (I think).

From the State Library, we went to Northbridge where my housemate bought groceries for today’s dinner – tofu, kueyteow and some veggies. Then, we walked to Woolworth’s to meet Amy, my other housemate who was working at a juice bar. I was very tired because I had been walking the whole day. It is amazing how my housemate have the energy to keep on going like that and she walks faster than me too. I sluggishly tagged along, which was a pathetic sight.
Amy made juices for me and JM. I drank something with lots of berries in it. At first taste, it was horrible because it reminded me of the flavoured medicated syrup I used to take when I was little. I know medicated syrups are flavoured to make the medication less revolting for youngsters, but honestly those formulations just destroyed my first impression of the natural flavours that exist in our fruits! Okay, I got used to the fact that I was drinking a cool berry drink after a while. In fact, it was very refreshing that I got my energy back. Oh yeah, while I was there at Amy’s juice bar, we noticed a bunch of people in heavy makeup strolling into the mall. They went into some gift shops and took pictures of themselves. Amy said they were models (probably on some reality TV show). Ah, that explained the glamorous clothes and thick mascara. I saw them initially at the train station, but was too tired and too dense to notice that they were models.

After leaving Amy to chat with one of her customers (an old man – probably bored out of his wits), we went back home by bus. That is all for my trip today.

PS: And yes, lil bro... I know I bought more books today. In case you were wondering, my room still has got space for me to sleep in. Thank you very much for your concern.

Book Mania

Yanqi, you are right.

I do need help from my housemate after all. I know I complained about her in my previous post, but I can’t be more grateful to her now than before.

Why? When boredom descends and she has a stack of The Princess Diaries books, I couldn’t help myself from knocking on her door instead.

She took out a box full of novels (half of them in Chinese) and motioned me to pick whichever book I would like to borrow. And so, in my unkempt room, half of my housemate’s book collection is strewn everywhere – bed, table, chair, rack etc.

***

My book mania started middle of last week. I went to the library to borrow a few books on Thursday. The night before, I checked out Curtin’s library catalogue online and to my surprise, it does have quite a substantial amount of fiction novels. I ended up borrowing “The Inheritance of Loss” by Kiran Desai, “The Help” by Kathryn Stockett, “The Rain Before It Falls” by Jonathan Coe and lastly, “Writing fiction: creative and critical approaches” by Amanda Boulter. I looked high and low for “A Thousand Splendid Suns” by Khaled Hosseini (same person who wrote “The Kite Runner”) and “The White Tiger: a novel” by Aravind Adiga. Both of them are currently on loan. Grrr.

Then, today I went to the city with WH. WH went on job-hunting in Northbridge while I went on book-hunting. Thanks to my housemate for that wonderful tip of hers, now I know that the State Library sells pre-read library books at LOW prices. *Note: Prices vary depending on genre.*

Most novels are being sold at 2 dollars! Very, very low prices... I know but I have to contend with my books having “The Library Board of WA” labels and library cards being permanently stuck to their front covers forever. I went into the bookshop, and was very surprised that all the books are very new. Sure, they have the ‘used’ look but they still look quite good to me. I had such a tough time looking for the books I want to read, because there were so many on the shelves that I just don’t know what to choose. Most of them are cheesy adult romance... eew. The names of the authors hardly ring any bells, save for a few like Danielle Steel or Stephen King (more eew).

Then, I saw “The Rice Mother” by Rani Manicka (a Malaysian author). Woah, it was the very same book I wanted to buy at MPH 2 years back but I couldn’t bring myself to do so because it costs RM69.90. And now it costs 2 dollars. With the current exchange rate, it would cost me RM5.60. What a bargain! I grabbed that and kept on browsing. And things were looking up ever since. I saw 3 other books that appealed to me and hopefully, they are worth my money.

3 other books I picked at the shop are:

1) ‘Silent Playgrounds’ by Danuta Reah. (‘A terrifying novel of psychological suspense’, says the front cover. I hope it lives up to my expectation!)

2) ‘The Nature of Blood’ by Caryl Phillips (‘An unforgettable novel about loss and persecution, about courage and betrayal, and about the pain yet absolute necessity of human memory’, the book proclaims boldly.)

3) An embroidery book. (Go ahead and laugh - I have a penchant to buy craft-sy stuff ala Martha Stewart).

All four books cost me RM26.60. Hehe, not bad at all, huh?

Since WH already went for job-hunting on her own, I went window-shopping alone – for the very first time. It was an unnerving experience. I had to keep on lookout for my personal safety. This means taking care not to bump into anyone, or hanging on tightly onto my bag. And also keep reminding myself of where I should go to next.

I went into Angus & Robertson bookstore on Murray Street. Boy, it was huge! It has an extensive range of books. Kids and adolescent stuffs are a floor below but the ground floor has all the latest books. The store displayed all top 100 books as voted by readers, taking up the space of several shelves. What a clever marketing tool. I almost wanted to grab one novel when I stopped to look at the price. 20-over dollars for a book, which is equivalent to half of my grocery bill for a week! Convert that figure to RM, I would have to say goodbye to approximately RM100! And I thought MPH is sucking up people’s blood. Turns out Aussie bookstores are much BIGGER blood-suckers. I ended up not buying anything, except for a couple of cute greeting cards.

So, note to self: Buy second-hand books in Aussie; new books in Malaysia.

The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot: A Review

Everyone knows about the movies, but have they read the books?

I have read only 3 books out of 10 in the series, but surely my right as a reader to review the series is justified, right? After all, I have read the first two books and then, the last volume (out of curiosity!).

Written in journal form, reading the Princess Diaries is like reading someone's inner thoughts. Okay, Mia's to be exact. The Princess Diaries starts innocently enough. Helen Thermopolis, celebrated artist, gave her 14 year-old daughter, Amelia (to be known as Mia from here on) a diary because the poor teenage girl has issues. Of course she has issues! Mia is a freak in her school, with her untameable hair and height that makes her stands out like a lamp post.

Boy, does she has more issues when her father, Philippe Renaldo, told her that she is in actuality a Genovian princess and that she has become heir apparent because her father is rendered infertile due to testicular cancer. It doesn't help when she is already failing Algebra, her mom is dating her Algebra teacher, she has to take princess lessons from Grandmere - her crazy royal grandmother from Genovia.

Detailing her life as a school-going royal with a wacky family and even wackier friends, this series is wonderful! It is over-the-top but not pretentious. Mia doesn't pretend to be the nicest princess in the universe. She complains, lies, fights with her best friend and so much more. But all in all, she is just being a normal teenaged girl, who happens to be a princess.

This series is fun, crazy and exciting all rolled into one. Worth reading and rereading. Highly recommended!

The Help by Kathryn Stockett: A Review

It is amazing how I could finish a book in less than 24 hours - all 451 pages of it, in generous medium-sized font. In sharp contrast, it took me days to read Twilight, and I haven’t even gotten to the climax yet.

Reading the review of the book made me think, “Oh, this is a mystery book.” And I made a mental note to myself to pick up this book the next time I pop into a bookstore. But I didn’t. Instead I went to the library to borrow it, hoping to save a few dollars. Boy, I will never regret reading “The Help” by Kathryn Stockett.

It is human drama - empowerment of people, regardless of gender and race.

We have Aibileen and Minny, trying to tell their side of story of how is it like working as black domestic helpers for white families in 60s America. Subject to abuse, racism and their lives intertwining with those of their employers'. Aibileen, for example, loves all 17 white children she cared for in her years working as a maid, as deeply as she would love her own child.

Then, we have Skeeter, who works hard to compile the helpers' stories, mainly because she wants to carve a career for herself because she refuses to be just somebody's wife.

I wish I am articulate enough to say what this book is about... to sum it all up in simple but forceful words. I am afraid I love it too much to say anything about it. It is a good, compelling read. Kathryn Stockett writes so well, probably because she wrote this book for personal reasons. I was drawn into the stories of those women, laughing with them and even shedding a tear for them.

I once contemplated how should one pick which book to buy - the one we are most likely to read again or again OR a book that has all the praises lavished upon it but we are unlikely to pick it up again? I think I found an answer: buy the book that I would love to read over and over again, for a variety of reasons. And this book is it. =D

How I Lost My Room and How It Came Back

That was the last straw. She told me she couldn’t study in her own room, telling me about her day in the library, how she was feeling sleepy and unmotivated to study. Without even asking me first, she said she would be coming over to my room to study. When she left and I closed the door, I was feeling frustrated. Enough is enough! Just because I let you into my room once in a while to listen to your problems doesn’t give you the golden right to enter my room as you like! I threw my pen onto the table in anger.

When she came over to my room and immediately placed her books on my already super messy table, I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Can you please not come over my room to study? I need to study alone too.”

With a slightly sheepish and embarrassed look on her face, she quickly left my room. I was feeling so frustrated and guilty at the same time – I cried. So many things are happening in my life, and I don’t need someone give me this type of trouble. Oh yeah, she just texted me saying that she was sorry for the trouble she caused and that she would do fine in her own room. Thank you, finally, for giving me some breathing space in my own room.

I appreciate the fact that she is my housemate. She is an easy-going girl, who shares all her stuff with us, the newbies. She even lends to us her first-year pharmacy stuff. Hey, I appreciate your help very much. And that is exactly why I would lend her my ear when she needed someone to talk to. When she was feeling unmotivated, I would advise her and console her. I don’t mind helping you but there is a certain limit as to what I can do for you.

First sign: She keeps coming over to my room to complain about her studies and to voice out her apprehension over her exams. Hey, I understand that she needs someone to talk to and that she turns to me makes me think I could really help her. But I was so wrong. Once or twice (after she had talked to me in my room), I had seen her complaining the very same thing to MI and other housemates. It made me think: “You just need someone to talk to so desperately that anyone will do. Geez”.

That was the first sign. Second sign was during study week. Everyone was busy studying. I was studying but taking lots of breaks in between. Even though I would be studying or chatting with my brother on MSN, she would still enter my room (just because I open my door) to talk to me. She would stay for an hour or so and then, my own time is gone just like that. She doesn’t understand that I don’t want to let her in. She doesn’t understand that when I open my door just a little to talk to people, it means I don’t want people to enter my room. She doesn’t understand that I would let people enter if I explicitly GIVE them the permission to enter. She comes into my room as she likes, imposing on my personal space and personal time.

Oh yeah, the danger bell started ringing when she told me about her experience last semester. She was so depressed over her finals that she went to her housemate’s room (incidentally, my room’s previous tenant) every single day during study week. I remember being utterly horrified. I was thinking to myself: “How could you disturb people like that? Didn’t your housemate need to study too?” Yeah, I should have realised that earlier - that my situation would be pretty much the same. I was STUPID for not realising the danger. SILLY for being so NAIVE!

My room is my own private space. My place to study, sleep and play. Sorry to say that I am a very private person and I don’t like just anybody stepping into my space without permission. Just because I said I like to study with other people (aka study room environment), she immediately assumed that her presence in my room would help me a lot in my studies. She thought that it was mutualism and that both of us will benefit. Sorry, I don’t think so. I was feeling so uncomfortable in my own room and that is the worst kind of feeling in the world – the feeling that my only private space in this house is gone.

And it doesn’t help the fact that she only seem to target me. Previously it was MI. But she cleverly put up a note on her door to ward off potential disturbance. And that she reads things aloud too. Probably that was the reason why MI wasn’t the target anymore and I becomes her current target.

Sorry to say that I realise that she is selfish in her own way. She thinks her troubles are greater than mine and that alone, gives her the right to impose on my private space and time. She doesn’t care if I was talking to my dad on the phone, or chatting with my friends online. She would think of all these as unimportant. Just because I am using the computer doesn’t mean I am free okay? And even when I have to prepare for exams the next day, she would still come into my room, saying how horrible her test was and how she has no confidence at all.

Thank god I mustered some courage (or should I say I was at my limit) to tell her off (albeit in a meek voice)... I was probably close to tears at that point too...

Finally, I have my own room back.

PS: Thanks Daddy, Ah Boy and Moimoi for hearing me out these past few days about this particular problem.

Dream/Reality

Hey Yanqi, remember the question that you got for your uni interview.. about this philosopher from ancient China who dreamt that he was a butterfly?

Yeah, I got a similar dream... no, I wasn't a butterfly though. It was something very depressing. It was so real I cried - both in my dream and in reality.

I cried because I thought it really happened. But as I was lying on in my bed, I remembered that everything was fine. Silly me.

I dreamt the same thing twice. The first time was sometime far back (I couldn't remember) and the second time today.

Maybe the philosopher's right after all... how is one supposed to know if our life is a dream or a reality?

Thank You Guys

To Yan Qi, Lee Kuan, Jia Mun, Li Vern and Shu Ning, thanks for all the comments, advice and most importantly, the support you guys gave me. I appreciate them all. =)
Will work harder for subsequent exams, tests etc. If I ever slack, you guys can slap me okay? I need HUGE doses of reality sometimes.

A commentary on my life today:

I was feeling depressed from the Chem paper. And this morning, after sending a depressing SMS to my dad, he called. Maybe I shouldn't worry about things too much. Ended up worrying my dad (not to mention, friends too) =( .

And today's Bio paper is bad. Bad, as in there are tonnes of jargons I had seen before but I couldn't remember what they meant. Since it is Bio, I crapped the whole way through. Not to mention that my lecturer is being generous - there were 'true or false' questions, fill-in-the-blanks etc.

Hopefully I could pass that one. But the danger of failing Chem and Bio is still looming over my head though. Now that I think about it, maybe I should utilise the holidays to cram-study for supplementary exams. Hmm.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Will be trying to cram all the Pharmaceutics facts into my poor brain.

Failure and Homesickness

If only I work harder, I wouldn't have flunked the Chem exam just now. So many questions left undone. And when it was all over, I looked at it in disbelief. No relief whatsoever. Just a moment of disbelief. Sitting for an exam is a surreal experience. Just you and the paper and the time ticking away. You are oblivious to everything around you; it is the moment where your brain needs to prove its worth. And predictably, mine failed me.

And to think I took a 45-minute nap before the exam. I slept underneath the quilt comfortably and was lulled into deep slumber.

I remembered feeling cold and the surface underneath me was hard.

I slept on my side, with my hands as pillow.

It felt like home.

For a single minute, I thought I was home, sleeping on the cold marble floor.

Expecting someone to wake me up, expecting to see the familiar scenes.

But, no. I am just in my room, several thousand miles away (figuratively speaking).

For a moment, I nearly cried.


I want to go home...

Pessimistic

Having a panic attack right now.

Probably a combination of tuna with cheese and coffee gave rise to this effect.

Maybe it is the exam.

Yeah, definitely the EXAM.

Seriously cursing myself for being so lackasaidal (don't know if I spell this right... but hell, even my lecturers get confused between "verses" and "versus"... so there).

Goodbye, this world. You would be better and prettier without me...

Sayonara by,
Dead Meat

Moimoi & Guess

My housemate came back from a shopping spree this evening. Apparently, there was a sale at Guess! Everything was 50% off for today! OMG! If she told me earlier, I could have gone to the city and buy some cool items for my family... it’s Guess, you know? Guess! Argh!

Anyway, exam is just around the corner and damn, these Guess people just had to hold a massive sale during exam period. Darn!

And I had a chat with Yuin-cheh. Wow, how I missed her! We can crap like nobody’s business. She would listen to my problems and my crazy thoughts. She would be the voice of reason in our conversations and I need that a lot.

Sometimes, I know I have silly thoughts stuck in my mind. I know they are impossible and irrational; I need a dose of reality. I don’t need a pat on my back that meant “Go for it, dude!” but more like a pair of sturdy hands to pull me back from falling.

Moimoi (I call Yuin-cheh by this name and vice-versa) did just that. Thank you for giving me a dose of reality.

Thank you for forcing me to study even though I would love to Facebook the whole time.

Thank you for listening to all my crappy talk even though you don’t want to.

Thank you for being a great sister and friend. =)

Now, if only I could repay you with an inexpensive and yet classy Guess tote! =P

Another Current Favourite Song

Just So You Know by Jesse McCartney

I shouldn't love you
But I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you
But I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
Cause I don't know
How to make the feeling stop
Just so you know

This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to
Be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings?
And look the other way

And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
Cause I don't know
How to make the feeling stop
Just so you know

This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
Just gotta say it all before I go. (Just so you know)

This emptiness is killing me
I'm wonderin' why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there
Just never spoke of
I'm waiting here
Been waiting here

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
Just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know
(Whoa, Just so you know,
Whoa, Thought you should know)

I tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
Just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

Just so you know

Note: I like the second verse of this song...'cause it is heartbreaking. Cool fact: Jesse McCartney co-wrote the hit song "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis. Apparently, he wrote this song because he missed his girlfriend so much during the time they were apart and was in so much pain. Awww...

Current Favourite Song

Note: This is random, I know. I am taking a break from studying Human Biology, so there. But I like this song very much. Sounds like two people talking but they are singing actually.

Say Goodbye by Jordan Knight & Deborah Gibson

[Jordan]
YeahI've been so lost latelyI don't really understand, baby
Where did I go wrong?
I wanna talk to you
Please, call

[Deborah]
Where do I begin with you,after all that we've been through
I don't think that it would be right,
If we got together so suddenly...

[Jordan]
I wish that I could take back all the things that I said,
and replace them with simply I love you instead

Chorus:
[Deborah]
You don't wanna say goodbye,
But you never really seem like you wanna try

[Jordan]
But I only wanted you to stay,
then I let you just slip away

[Deborah]
If you didn't listen to your heart inside,
Then it really doesn't matter what was on your mind,
and if you need me then tell me why...

[Jordan]
Girl, I never meant to say goodbye
Mmm... Oh, yeah

[Jordan]
I think about the past, baby
Why we couldn't make it last, lady?
I know you still have doubts,
But I'm gonna prove that we can work things out...

[Deborah]
I wanna be sure that you know what you put me through,
And reveal that you intend to never let me down again...

[Jordan]
It's clear to me and I can't ignore,
that I have to give you something I couldn't before...

CHORUS

[Deborah]
I didn't think that we would come to this

[Jordan]
Ooh, noYour eyes, your face, your smile is what I miss...

[Deborah]
Why'd you wait so long to take me back

[Deborah & Jordan]It's all a simple misunderstanding...

CHORUS 2x

Note: I love the part "If you didn't listen to your heart inside,Then it really doesn't matter what was on your mind". Quite meaningful. =) It seems to me that the couple broke up, but both didn't want to. And the last line of the song does imply that they are together in the end... Hooray~ Happy ending! XD

First Uni Exam

... and I am slacking. Chemistry makes a lot of sense to me, but I can't remember what reacts with what to produce what. I love Human Biology a lot (for many, many reasons) but I don't have the motivation to study them. I stare at Pharmaceutics notes and jargons like "bioavailability" or "dosage form design" from Prof. Benson's lecture stare back at me.

It is now 4am in the morning, I am not sleepy. I should be studying but I am blogging. Screwed up priorities. Screwed up me.

I need a miracle to get me through this...

Personality

I read a very good article in Reader's Digest before.

It said: When you turn up at work with a horrible frown, why does everyone ask you what is wrong in your life? Is it very wrong to be moody for one whole day when for the rest of the year, you are smiling and being kind to everyone else?

I totally agree with this. Whenever I get angry (for example, during the incident described in the previous post), my family would advise me not to feel the way I feel. Let it go, let it slide... etc. I WANT to feel angry, I WANT to feel emo... why must there be restrictions as to how I feel about things? I have tolerated with the rest of the world for 364 days, why can't I be mean for a day? (I meant this day ratio in a figurative way... =P)

I feel like we all need time to be ourselves - not conforming to acceptable standards of behaviour as prescribed by society (or close friends and family members, for that matter). For example, allow me to rant, to complain, to criticise, to give sarcastic or horrible remarks ala Simon Cowell when I need to. Or else, in the end I would die of a high blood pressure due to pent-up anger.

Back at home, I can act anyway I want. Impersonate people... saying "babeh" or "yo" or whatever slang that comes to mind. Or threatening to kiss or hug my bro, and chasing him around with my arms extended out wide for a bear hug... *evil grin*. Or when I get really frustrated at stuffs, I would just unleash a tirade of angry words in a really loud voice. Giving really horrible, sarcastic remarks about things around me - which truly represents my real thoughts. Being really random, such as saying "I love you" to all my family members, hugging my mom etc. In short, I am really capable of being nuts. Haha.

I wish for that kind of freedom here. I wish to sing out loud in my room at the expense of others (who cares about my housemates or neighbours?) or when I get really angry at something/someone, I wish to rant and complain like there's no end to it. Yeah, I tried that once, but my housemates were shocked... Haih. Can't do that ever again.

So I think I demonstrate a different side of me in different environments. I don't know if I even have a definitive personality. I don't think everyone will ever have one. People are so multi-faceted, you know? At times, I would act like a bimbo, spouting out random facts to amaze my siblings (muahaha), acting emo, doing some random acts of craziness or contemplating the complexities of life, death, the afterworld. Yup, that's me.

Therefore, I can't really make a "How well you know me?" quiz on Facebook, because I am clueless about my own personality. I think I would even fail at my own quiz!

PS: Sorry to friends and my eldest sis (if you guys happen to read this) that I scored badly in your quizzes. Haha. I guess I need to know you guys more.

AG = MCP

27/5/2009 12:56 AM

I know I promised myself that I would stop talking bad about people. It turns out that I couldn’t. AG is annoying me to the extent that everything he does is wrong. I scolded him in front of a few people in class. I told him that he was annoying people, making phone calls to us at night. I thought after some good old scolding, he would have realised the error of his ways. But it turns out he is an idiot after all. After being scolded, he told another coursemate, “Girls are like that because of hormone imbalance.”

EXCUSE ME?!

I hate chauvinistic ideas like that. He is such an MCP (male chauvinistic pig). He dismissed my outburst of emotion as “hormone imbalance”. Hey, if I were to have hormone imbalance that day, trust me that you would end up comatose in the hospital right now, you MCP!

I hate guys who think they are better than gals. I hate derogatory remarks like that, especially when it comes from guys. When another gal says it, it is funny – because we know to a certain extent it is true. But, hey, hormone imbalance is not everything okay?

I am very angry at AG because:
1) He gave such a chauvinistic remark.
2) He dismissed my being angry at him as “hormone imbalance” which was not true at all, because I was seriously pissed off at him. The anger was bursting to come out.
3) He is such an idiot; I already explained to him that we are being annoyed because of his unreasonable behaviour. But he still wouldn’t think that he is at fault and blamed my hormones instead. Thank you for your concern about my hormonal system, but I could manage my hormones myself, thank you very much.

I felt stupid for apologising to him in the first place. I know that my anger is probably unjustified, because he gave out this remark before I apologised to him. There could be a slight chance that he realised the error of his ways right after I apologised to him (I did explain why I scolded him anyway). But due to the 3 reasons above, I couldn’t forgive him. I will not ever bow down to an MCP – especially a HUGE IDIOTIC one like him.

Friendship

When I get bored, I think.

When I think, I write.

When I write, I post it up in my blog.

Otherwise, my blog will be dusty.

***

When I stab other people in their backs, I won't feel the pain. But when others do it to me, it hurts real BAD. So I sent a long sms to AG, telling him honestly why I find him annoying and hopefully he would forgive me. And he hasn't replied me yet. :/

The reason why I am apologising to him is due to my own selfishness. I wish that nobody after this would stab me from the back again. By saying sorry to him and by not talking bad about others again, I really hope I would be spared of the pain. >.< Yes, I am selfish. Go ahead and shoot me.

***

And what is a friendship really? Some friendships are long-lasting; some are not. Am I the only one who thinks that friendships from school are still the best? Well, there are friendships established in college that are meaningful and I hope they would last a long time...
*hint-hint* *thanks for giving me your listening ear when I am down... thanks for letting me torture you with my boring stories* =)

I honestly think friendships are more meaningful than it sounds. It is not just a shoulder to lean on when you are down, nor it is just a person to laugh with when everything is okay. It must not be based on convenience nor dependence. It could not be based on kindness and love alone; these do not sustain friendships. Frustration and hatred characterise relationships; they break us all apart. I don't know how to phrase this but Furuba gives a powerful quote: "Love means taking in all things negative and positive and accepting them wholeheartedly." Well, something like that anyway.

Friendship is like an investment; we put in a little of ourselves into that friend and they into us. And that is why when it is torn apart, we feel hurt inside because those things are lost forever.

***

Don't treat me like an empty vase. You pour all your problems into me, to sustain your own sanity. I don't mind that, really. I am glad to be of help - to dispense advice. But you forget all about me when you are happy, when your life is a bed of roses. Once life gives you a rough ride, you come and rant to me - the lonely empty vase. Am I the worthless vase that could only hold the water that sustains the pretty flower that is you?

I don't mind friends who come to me for help in checking their bio report. Or come to me when they face personal problems. I am glad to be there for them when they need me. It means they trust me with all their problems - and that means a lot to me. But come to me too when you are happy or just when you are bored and have nothing else to do. Just a simple chat will do. Even crapping sounds fun.

School, Uni, Politicians - Warning: This is an incoherent post

*Taking a break from studying digestive system (more like copying answers from the textbook...)*

Had a long chat with a friend yesterday (will not be named here, so let’s just call her Anonymous) via MSN. Seriously, I was taking a break from studying Pharmaceutics’ calculation test and then there she was, calling out to me in Facebook. For someone whom I haven’t chat (or met) ever since we left school, it was definitely a surprise. She was bored – I can tell, and despite having a test to study for, I chatted with her anyway.
*And I screwed the test... if only I wasn’t distracted by the Internet...*

Anonymous talked about her life in college... how she loves what she is studying at the moment (she is studying business stuff). And the conversation reverted to the days back in Convent. I felt nostalgic about those days because absence does make the heart grow fonder. But it was very different for her. She told me she was miserable in school, because she was being retained in the Science class instead of studying Arts. She described her life back then as “going through the motions”. And she said that after graduation from Convent, she wouldn’t want to make the same mistake again and off she went to college to study business. She said she felt “chi pei” compared to the rest of us – not being able to score well in Science subjects and all that.

I mean, who wasn’t feeling the same way? Who wasn’t feeling “chi pei” back then? I felt so inadequate compared to J, who scored way higher than me in all subjects – and that was very frustrating. The gap between her and me was so huge – to the point that I detested her at that time (sorry! I love you now! XD). It was only recently in her blog that I found out she is human too. There is a reason why she worked hard at that time. At that point, I realised what I saw back then in school are so multifaceted – things were not as simple as they seem. I was so silly back then. Even J, the top student in our batch, was feeling “chi pei” in her own way.

Hah, now I know that for most of us, we felt trapped in school. Studying subjects that we didn’t have interests for; teachers who sucked at teaching and killed off the remnants of passion left in us for anything academic; the monotonous way of life back then –tuition, school, tuition, school (well, it is for me!). The saving grace back then was probably the silly moments we shared. Now that all of us are heading into uni (some already do), the vast majority of us are going to pursue arts-related careers.

To the Government, politicians, educators in Malaysia, is your action of maintaining the 60-40 policy justified when most of us students are suffering? I am speaking for my friends here (Science subjects do make sense to me... at least more than business-related stuff). We lost 2 years of our youths, studying the stuff we won’t even pursue in the end. And oh yeah, don’t get me started on the public uni thing. You let us “choose” the courses we want to study and in the end, handing to us our so-called “choice” and chuck us into a god-knows-where-god-knows-what uni in some god-damn place. Way to go people! Great way of making our life “more interesting”! Ah, no wonder private colleges and unis are mushrooming everywhere!

Oh why can’t you let us choose where and what to study? Where is the freedom? Most politicians can’t understand because: (1) they are all rich buggers; (2) all their kids either go to international/private schools or packed off to boarding schools overseas. Kudos people! You let your own people survive and the rest suffering. And people wonder why Malaysians pick useless politicians (who behave as apes when they don’t get what they want) up there in the Parliament. It’s because we couldn’t get sound education!

Let us choose what subjects we want to learn in school. Please improve the universities in Malaysia and allow students to choose which course they want to study and which uni to go to. Let there be competition among the public universities, so that the standard of our education can improve.

*I realise I have REALLY diverted from the main theme of my post – no thanks to our politicians. And finally, I wish all of my friends, most notably those who belonged to 5 Physics Class of ’06, good luck in their pursuit of knowledge (regardless of Science or Arts). Let’s us all be contented with the choices we make. Don’t let the damn politicians screw our lives for us!*

Crush/Love

How to differentiate between crush and love?

Asked one of my best buddies and she told me that she doesn't know either, despite the fact that she is very much in love now.

She said the feelings would get deeper and deeper as time goes on.

Hah, I wish the line between love and crush is clear cut, so that I won't end up being confused.

When he goes online, my hand is itching to change my status to "available"... just so that he would realise that I am here... hoping that he would chat with me.

Nah. I pull my hand away. I know it is impossible. And that it is just a crush that would eventually melt away.

Better to focus my energy on something more substantial (like preparation for final exams!), instead on harping on "what ifs".

Thanks, But No Thanks / Harry Potter

Had my second last Pharmaceutics lab today. Something must have gone wrong in my brain. I was talking too much with people, barely concentrating on my work, could hardly pipette the (damn) anise oil into the cylindrical measure - thus an hour flew by without my completing a single preparation.

I know it is my fault. I should and could have done better. When I was on my last prep, it was 11.20am. Checkout time was supposed to be 11.30am.
I was thinking: "Hey, just need to get this damn thing filtered!"
But wham! I forgot to get a scheduled ingredient (aka poison) checked by the supervisor. Well, I simply called Supervisor A and he was being -

Let's forget the story. I am beginning to forget the real reason behind this post. Not going to badmouth someone who is potentially going to mark my lab work. And so it happened. I didn't have time to finish the prep and I was fighting back tears when I was told by the supervisor (yeah, the one mentioned above) that I should stop filtering (but the reason I called him was to ask him check the weight of the poison. =.=lll).

I simply poured the solution into the bottle and labelled it - without filtering and knowing fully well that it was under volume. Supervisor B saw what I did but Supervisor C (a stern but nice lady) marked my work instead. She gave me full marks because she didn't check the volume of the mixture in my bottle. Well, can't blame her when the lab was full of growling stomachs and everyone (yes, including lab supervisors) wanted to have lunch.

So, Supervisor B came over (he is the supervisor assigned to my bench) and told me straightaway that he saw what I did. I was like, "Yeah, I am not supposed to have that mark. You can go ahead and give me a zero or something." Honestly, I could not care anymore. I was still fighting back tears and it hurt to say that kind of thing out loud myself.

But I knew that my prep was not great. I do not want high marks for something I don't deserve, okay? You can give me a zero because I deserve it. I don't mind it at all. But Supervisor B, being nice, just took off 10 marks from my prep. And do you think it made me feel better? No. I didn't.

So to sum up, things weren't that great in the lab. Sigh. (Reminders to self: Should not talk to people too much, or look at what other people are doing. Concentrate!)
On the walk back to Vickery House, I was being very black-hearted (is this the right way to express it?). I was miserable, you see. And all I could do at that time was to vent my anger to someone else (in my Inner Mind Theatre, of course) - and that person was AG.

Yup, he was the target. I honestly hated the way he keep coming around borrowing my prep papers to copy, asking me questions about the lab when he always, always finished his preps earlier than me. What the hell is wrong with him? If he could do that well in the lab, he shouldn't keep copying my prep papers!

Okay, on a bright note... I talked to Harry Potter today.

His name is Duncan but unbeknownst to him, we nicknamed him such because he looks just like Harry Potter. Nerdy-looking, skinny frame (but actually a little bit taller than me) and with a surprisingly deep voice, he has been the subject of our adoration for the longest time. MI, in particular, wanted to talk to him so desperately. However, she gave Duncan a bad impression in their very first conversation - all because of AG. MI asked Duncan for his name but AG intercepted, saying that MI probably wouldn't even remember his name. Yeah, what a great way to give a good impression to innocent-looking Duncan right?

Anyway, Duncan is always slow in the lab. He is the Master of Accuracy and Precision. And that is the main problem why he is always slow. He tries to measure every single thing as accurate as possible, when other people (like me) would just go, "Hey, what the heck. As long as I get out of here ASAP. The supervisors aren't even looking anyway." I admire this quality of his. I think he is being very brave by working at his own pace. Even when the supervisors are telling him to stop his work, he continued to do as well as he can. In the future, if I wanted a pharmacist to compound (aka make from scratch) my medicine, I would go to him. Because he tried to do things to the best of his ability. I can be assured that my medicine is a 'pharmaceutically elegant product" (Lab Supervisors 2009).

Well, Black-hearted Missy here (I mean, myself) is sometimes comforted by the fact that there's someone slower than me. Which is really bad, I know. Anyway, thank god for what happened today because I had the opportunity to talk to him. During cleaning up, we are supposed to put used bottles into a crate, which was missing today. So, I saw Duncan at the corner of my eye and thought, "Well, a good way to approach him!" So I went over (he was at another bench, LOL) and asked him about the crate. But he was clueless as well. So I continued to clean up the mess I made in the lab and he cleaned up his mess. Seconds later, he came over and asked for a tissue to wipe his glassware. I said, "Sure," and he took a tissue from my box. Well, that was it. But he approached me for a tissue! Isn't that something?

I hope I don't sound like a bimbo because I am really not interested in him romantically. I think it is great to have an angmoh friend. Haha. Typical Asian mentality: Angmohs are cool. Hopefully I get to introduce myself to him in the next lecture... hhmm...