thinking.negotiating.eventuallydeciding.
Now the joke's on me.

is studying in Australia what I really wanted or it is just to satisfy my ego?

i have a fear of meeting people. i try my best to avoid them, as much as i could. i know i am weird that way. =(

Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

okay, i may be a tad too outdated in saying this, but... OMG! IT IS A MUST-WATCH, PEOPLE! WATCH IT BEFORE YOU DIE!

even if you had watched the first FMA anime series before, it doesn't matter. both stories are different. the mangaka is really talented, to be able to think out such a detailed and well-developed plot. almost all characters are likeable... i even sympathised with the bad guys. so...

GO WATCH IT!

life's mystery...

why did i choose pharmacy?

letting things fall onto the wayside...

If only I didn’t break down at that moment, would things have been different among us? The accumulation of jealousy, resentment and frustration over the past year just became too much for me to bear, when her words stung, as if she was the only one hurt and had to do the inevitable. Then again, wasn’t I the inconsiderate one because I cried and made her look like the villain? Because I cried, I looked like I was the victim. And because I already made up my mind first, it seemed like I was the one having to make tough decisions. But, my thoughts about the issue were all blurred up by the tears and anger. Now, I am not sure if I was right or wrong. Should I apologise or not?


Even if I was wrong, I would not apologise because my pride won’t allow it. ‘Sorry’ is the most difficult thing to say. Even so, apologising is also a tough thing NOT to do. Currently I have to bear with the air of awkwardness, as if things aren’t awkward already between us. I always think both of us being similar in some ways; like how we aren’t very friendly to other people unless they make the first move. What we think about certain issues is quite similar too. She may not even realise it, but I do. Sometimes being too similar leads to clash of personalities… which really did happen.

In a way, I was being unfair to her because I lashed out partly due to my own resentment and jealousy. I feel so inferior to her. After years of being compared to everyone else in the family and circle of friends, in my mind I automatically compare myself to the people I meet. My immense inferiority complex nearly broke a few friendships (guess who, people… they could be you), but I was lucky enough that my friends hold onto the strings and never did vocalise their feelings so much; or else our friendships would have ended already. But with her? I think things will just break apart slowly, primarily because our relationship is that built on circumstances.

I think I also have to apologise to other friends too. I wonder if my rash decision to split up the group is really something they even like? They are all nice people, so I don’t know what their exact thoughts are because they are not keen on making others feel uneasy. But knowing myself, I can’t apologise to them because, well, ‘sorry is really the hardest word’. I can’t say it out of the blue like it is something normal in our friendships, because it isn’t.

To friends who are reading this, and think that you are implied in this story, I want to say: ‘Sorry’. I am so sorry for making your life difficult sometimes, because I was jealous of you. At some point in our friendship, I really did resent you because you had something that I didn’t. I am still learning to keep my ugly feelings to a minimum. And who says everyone is born good?

waste

too much water
too much salt
too much heat
rice becomes porridge
with a burnt aftertaste.

it's all gone to waste.

just charging ahead like a mad bull towards the red cloth, in a Spanish bullfight. that is all i know now.

Do You Feel by Rocket Summer

I'm thinking 'bout other things I heard about today
All this week and tomorrow
And how these hands can create some better things for bettering
but you see for now I got my own things
I can't help it
I got too many issues I own
So I cannot help I'm afraid, yeah
But keep on preaching, preaching and heal the world
Lip service makes us look great

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things I guess

I guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
Sometimes I convince myself
that all this fight in the world
It's not mine
Why should I
have to try
to fix things I didn't create or contrive

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have so many things

Have the habits
Had you
Has it been for long
Can you feel the souls behind what's going on

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Yeah we all have our things

Do you feel
The weight of the world singing sorrow
Or to you is it just not real
Cause you got your own things
Cause we all have so many things
And I can get past these things

Ohh


*Thank you Avery Bryce for writing this song. It sums up how I feel about the world and the issues around me... wanting to do something, and yet bogged down by my own life.*

 To listen to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw1kJ4c9udE

It wasn't too long ago that I dreamt of backpacking around the world. I hope to see the great historical and cultural sites that I read in books and encyclopaedias.

But reality is always very far from fantasy. Right now, if you asked me to do so, I would shake my head vigourously and say no. I understand I am a person of contradictory personalities. I want to be spontaneous, outgoing and brave, but I am not. Maybe I am just afraid of changing my routine, just for the sake of experiencing something different. Maybe I am just, well, afraid.

I hope the time will come, for me to throw all inhibitions to the wind, and just embark on that great big adventure I have always dreamed of.

All I Have by Rocket Summer

Everybody is hurting, everybody knows it.
are you trying to stop it, everyone's watching,
what are you gonna do.
Are you trying to stop it, everyone's watching.
everyone is conversing, everyone's listening.

They were apart, her was apart,
and she was part of it.
Oh, falling apart, is anyone watching,
is anyone listening, are we listening.

And all I have is all of me,
and it's all that I can give.
Our disappointed hearts will heal,
our hearts will spill over you,
over you over me, over this

Oh, they never knew,
they never knew what you're going through.
Because you got everybody thinking
there's nothing wrong with you.
And you fall apart, because you felt apart,
and they were part of it. Oh falling apart,
is anyone watching,
is anyone listening, are you listening.

And all I have is all of me,
and it's all that I can give.
Our disappointed hearts will heal,
our hearts will spill over you,
over you over me, over this

On dark and stormy days somewhere it's glowing.
And even though I know I'm here,
I know I'm going,
you never stop, you just collide,
collapse onto your side.
So rise and make it right.

And all I have is all of me,
and it's all that I can give.
Our disappointed hearts will heal,
our hearts will spill over you,
over you over me, over this

i am not doing anything to solve the predicament i am in, and yet i am feeling so angry about it. i am so disgusted with myself, for only complaining to any pitiful ear that is ready to listen.

i've ran out avenues to rant, to complain. i want to be home - a place where i can get angry as much as i want and still be forgiven for it, a place where i can shout and scream and still be tolerated for it, a place where i can be myself - happy or sad, nice or bad.

how to stop being jealous?

because i am so greedy, i don't know how.

Live:eviL

i live, so i am evil.

i know it all along that my actions and thoughts are unkind, bad.

i definitely am not an angel.

Dreaming of Big Cats

Today is the second time I had dreamt of big cats like lions and tigers. In my dreamland, they were humongous and really bloodthirsty. I remembered feeling so afraid for my life, trying to hide and huddle in one corner because the creatures were out to tear humans into several pieces. *gulp*

What do they mean? I really want to know. But I wish my handsome pilot is back to haunt my dreams instead.

don't EVER teach old dogs new tricks

'Cos the old dog may very well scare the hell out of you!

Just received a forwarded email from Dad, entitled "The Red Dot Therapy" - containing a series of exercises supposedly to prevent Alzheimer. I was like, "What the heck, might as well try it..."

I went on, clicking every single red dot I could find in all of the Powerpoint slides when a photo of a hideous zombie popped out of nowhere - sound effects and all!! (=_=lll)

I should have known not to trust forwarded emails, even from good ol' Daddy.

Anyway, it reminded me: "HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!"

Little Boy

The little boy, not any higher than my waist, plays with his other little friends on the playground. I sit back and watch the scene unfolds before my eyes.

He is a little taller than the rest, and that makes him stand out. His soft black hair sways gently in the wind as he runs, dribbling the ball in front of him. Needless to say, I am drawn to the soft features of his face - his long eyelashes, so unlike mine; the bright eyes that are browner than his peers. He breaks into a hearty smile whenever he's happy, exposing the gap between his front teeth. He is the most perfect little boy there is.

As I watch them get down and dirty with the sand and mud, I am slowly lost in my own thoughts. "Kring! Kring!" The familiar bell comes again. And the groups of kids on the playground - girls and boys alike - disperse and begin to approach the old man. I smile and notice how good his timing is, that pragmatic businessman of an ice-cream seller. 

The little boy comes running to me. His cherubic face is covered in sweat. His hands hold on to mine. We share the same skin colour. "Who is your father?" Increasingly the question finds its way into my mind.

But the same question escapes me again, when he asks: "Mummy, can I have an ice-cream?"

sorry, it's me. not you.

That is one of the worst break-up lines ever. Or so says 'How I Met Your Mother'.

Honestly, that is what I feel sometimes about friendships that fall apart over time. Our relationships are great when we are together. We do the same things and share the same experiences. But as time goes on, we all need to find our own path in life. We all go our separate ways, eventually.

And when it comes down to that, the dynamics of the relationship changes. We hardly hang out together and do the same stuff. Neither do we experience the same things or share the same friends. We all eventually live our own lives. It is difficult to maintain a friendship at this point, because it is increasingly difficult to relate to one another.

That is why I sometimes let friendships fall apart. It is a bit of laziness on my part, as well as loneliness. I feel lazy to reach out to people. I also feel lonely whenever I cannot talk to a friend in the same way I did before.
I am the kind of person that is really difficult to be friends with. I am not easy to approach. I do not open my heart easily to anyone. And I let things fall apart faster than they are being built.

Friends can be strangers too, eventually.

When that comes, the problem is not you. It is me.

Wish List

I want a digital camera! Xmas sale, please come soon!!

Moving Out... Levelling up!

It's official. My application to continue staying in Vickery House is rejected. I have to move out next year... to someplace that is not under the bridge. Haha.

I guess moving out is one of those things everyone has to do at least once in their life, just for independence's sake (even though I would still have roomies). In a sense, we all have to 'level-up' in this game of Life.

Studying someplace far from home? Check.
Cooking my own four square meals every day? Check.
Do laundry all by myself? Check.
Travel someplace without parents? Check.

The next stuff on my list would be moving out off-campus and drive a car all by myself. I need to relearn driving this summer. Must.Do.It.Can't.Procrastinate.Can't.Back.Out.Even.Though.I'm.A.Coward!

Unsafe

*prick*

the safe bubble of the world i grew up was shattered when i was 16. bad things have happened before and always will be, but it never occured to me that they would hit close to home.

it was about 6 in the morning. it was still quite dark. my brother, like the dutiful son he always is, opened the back door to light the incense at the altar outside. he spotted a dark figure, peering into the window of our bathroom. my mom was just out from the bathroom while i already went in, getting ready for school. my brother alerted my mother. i heard loud shouts coming from Mimmy, like she was shooing a dog away. and the peeping tom ran away.

i cannot see anything outside from the bathroom (our windows are glazed - is that the word?), which is why i am convinced he cannot see anything that morning. but that doesn't quell my fear. the peeping tom's act doesn't scare me as much as the fact that i feel so unsafe in my own home. for the longest time, i would stare at the bathroom window, just to make sure that no one's there. the only reprieve that year was at a camp; the bathrooms are all on the first floor.

ever since then, a few things have hit closer to home. some punks on motorbikes went around molesting girls. a group of scumbags attempted to kidnap a friend's brother. all this happened in the residential area where i still live. and just now, i received news of a rape-murder case in the very town i grew up in. a 16 year-old girl was found naked and dead in a drain in an oil palm estate. and to think that hours before her death, she was attending tuition classes in town - just like any other high schooler.

we would always remember the exact moment, the exact manner in which our safe bubble of a world disappears. it is the feeling of being unsafe, being unprotected that scares the daylight out of me - not the perpetrator, not the crime itself.

despite the bad things, we all move on but that doesn't mean we forget.

PS: dear friends, please take care of yourselves. be on high alert always and always. LOVE YOU ALL.

to the scumbags/lowlife/jerks/criminals out there, you all deserve to die. not the poor girl lying dead in the drain.

PPS: when i get my own house, i will make sure there's a bathroom on first floor. peeping toms can come if they dare, 'cos i hope they will fall down and die!

IDIOCY: the national plague

http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/malaysia/article/2011-budget-big-malaysia-is-back/

Malaysians should read this and be mad!

Why is it that our government, which is running on deficit budget, intends to spends so much on mega projects that the average person does not need?

Among the most outrageous projects proposed in Budget 2011: a RM5billion 100-storey tower smack in between Stadium Negara and the historic Stadium Merdeka. As if KL needs another concrete skyscraper! As if we have RM5 billion to spend on a useless, white-elephant of a tower! Where is all the money coming from anyway? Oh... maybe the future earnings from the proposed casino in Sabah?

And oh, RM43 billion KL MRT project is another mega project in the pipeline. Previous experiences have shown that such projects to be unviable - creating only massive traffic jams, noise and pollution during construction. And our dear PM said that he is not a 'saudagar mimpi' (dream merchant). Yeah, right... if our government isn't that, what is it then? Plunderer of the nation's coffers? Ali Baba? Robin Hood for the wealthy?

King of Anything by Sara Bareilles

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for your time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe
Oh oh
Ah


I love Sara Bareilles! I like her lyrics - so honest, and sometimes sarcastic. The parts in bold are all my favourites. Sums up my feelings whenever I am pissed off.
I also noticed that although her songs (this one and 'Love Song') project the image of a strong, opiniated woman, there's at least a verse in each song which gives off the feeling of vulnerability.

this is one of those times when i feel so mad that i have no idea why. i am so peeved by every single little annoying thing that's happening in my damn life.

this is one of those times when i wish the whole world hates me, so that i can hate them back. oh yeah baby! so that i can shout and scream and curse the world with bad bad foul words.

last-minute-craziness

why do i like to do last minute work so much?

why do i put the pursuit of pleasure above homework?

despite being hard-pressed for time, i still want to do a good job. why is that?

what's uni life about if it is not about cram study or last minute assignments? oh wait, that describes my secondary school life too! i guess some things just don't change.

exactly 7 days to go!

... to the deadline of Biochem assignment, that is!

*breathes deeply* *exhale*

I can do this! I am an amazing last-minuter!!

price of independence

How do I choose?

I like the way they stop by my bed and give me a soft pat or a peck on my forehead. Those gestures make me feel like a little kid again. I like the way they hold my hand when we ride the bus or train, the way they show their concern when they said: "Oh, your hands are so cold!" and rub my palms between theirs.

But I also like my own independence.

i'm not an angel

*blows smoke off rifle*

*loads it up again*

twe tests down, another two to go. ;)

i pity you

Recessional by Vienna Teng

Who are you, taking coffee, no sugar?
Who are you, echoing street signs?
Who are you, the stranger in a shell of a lover?
Dark curtains drawn by the passage of time...

This is my current ear-worm - a tune that keeps playing in my ears (something new I learnt from my housemate, Karen!).  Somehow I am drawn to that particular verse. I cannot sing enough praise for Vienna. She makes me fall in love with her songs when I least expect to. I can't even pick a single favourite song out of her extensive repertoire.

"I love you." He says it with such an earnest expression. His eyes a world deep, and more.

What follows is silence. It hangs heavy in the air. I don't know what to say. My heart is racing, beyond its ability. Blood just rushes through my veins, all the way down to my feet. Oh my god, what should I do?

"I love you too."

The kiss comes, bathing in the warm sunlight that streams from the high windows. Everything around me spins, as I turn around and begin to back away. Running as fast as my numb feet can carry me, tears roll down my cheeks.

For the other voice is not mine.

ah, how bittersweet the taste of jealousy. the happiness of finding out about her small measure of success is marred by the bitter aftertaste of sadness for my pathetic self. no wonder i feel trapped in this body. i have never grown at all, neither physically nor emotionally. and i wonder if i have what it takes to be someone great, amazing. am i destined for a life of mediocrity?

the dreams that i have buried within the garden of my heart are probably never quite mine. because i don't have the courage or determination to make them come true. i am floating in this flow of life. doing what everyone does and living a life just like everyone else's.

it is puzzling as to how much i have given up on my past, just to catch a glimpse into the future, but only to find myself struggling to gain a firm ground in the present. how everything is mine but never mine. i am at loss of what to do with myself. the feeling of helplessness is like a constant mist around me. it is only briefly gone, blown away by the wind when i continue running in this path of life. but it loyally comes back when i stand still.

Malaysia's moment in time

It is all over the media now. Sensitive issues such as racism, that is. Some people view this new development with fear. They are afraid of the consequences that may follow - things like May 13 or Kampung Baru incident, for example. For me, I think it is a good development. Problems that plague us as a nation should be aired out in the public, debated and discussed, instead of being swept up under the carpet. It would be worse to have a nation of citizens apathetic to politics and current issues. It would be worse to have a community that is so unwilling to speak out against issues that matter.

I guess it cannot be helped that people are leaving in droves to emigrate to other countries when our very own is becoming like this. Instead of staying back and fight, they choose to give up. I don't really blame them but I feel very sad.

I believe that the day will come when we think of this period of 'social unrest' as another beginning for our country, and not the end.

PS: I also hope that the day will come for ex-Malaysians to regret their decision to leave the country.
To all the people who think that the Chinese should go back to China and the Indians should go back to India: The more you want me to leave, the more I want to stay. I really want to be an eyesore to people like you!

...like small kids whispering secrets to each other, as they are preparing to sleep.
...like a young couple in love, clasping each other's hands all the way.

i enjoy observing old couples in Perth. the elderly husband pushes his wife's trolley. they go out to buy groceries together. they take a leisurely walk in the park. in those small gestures, their love for one another just flows through and strike a chord in me.

i look at them, and then i often think: 'with so much love going around, the world probably isn't too bad.' then, i think of their kids and why they are not helping their parents out with the groceries. i feel the need to help them somewhat, because they remind me of my own grandparents. it's very strange, considering that i am not really close to my grandparents. maybe it's the guilt kicking in. 

to be able to find someone you love and he loves you back,
and stay together until each of you turns old and grey,
is nothing short of a miracle.

drawing therapy

i can hear you groan: 'oh no! another one?'. haha.

initially, i wanted her hair to be long and flowing freely in the wind. but somehow, her face doesn't quite match that. so i gave her a ponytail instead - which totally screams: 'schoolgirl!!'.

The world today is so depressing

This is what I get from reading the news - DEPRESSION.

Sad things are happening in Malaysia. Looks like I am not the only one who noticed the rise in sexual crimes in recent years. Nor will I be the last one who thinks baby-dumping is plain murder. Racist politics is polluting our country again.

A part of me wants to go back to Malaysia and punch the guilty party into an unrecognisable mass of pulp. But I know that is not feasible.

drawing again!

this is similar to something i drew back in secondary school. her hair looks like seaweed...

copied this from 'Boy in the World' cover. :P

Money is everything

In Malaysia (or everywhere else, for that matter), money is king.
Money can give you political power. It also works the other way around in Malaysia.
Money can certainly buy you fame.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it can certainly buy lots of stuff to make you happy.

No wonder two nights ago, I dreamt that I won a million dollar lottery.

Kansas by Vienna Teng: my interpretation

i've been humming 'Kansas' by Vienna Teng all week - in the bus, to classes, between lectures. her songs are so full of imagery. to me, they feel like snapshots of someone's life. each song tells a story.

I lay down in sheets suddenly worn threadbare
Every wall I lean on transforms to sliding doors and thin air
Well I hope yours is kinder
Let go of this when you find her

and i like this particular verse, especially the second line. i could see a woman (or girl) falling backward when the solid red brick wall she leans on fades away into nothing. she's lost an important person, who once supported her and gave her strength and stability.

Bury this hard
Down underneath your white canvas
Our houses of cards
Flat on the table like Kansas

and this verse suggests that she wants her ex-lover to move on. the white canvas symbolises a new beginning, a clean slate. she also implied that their relationship was fragile like 'houses of cards' and it has now ended.

It's not regret
Just an unexpected accounting of debts
Only now called
No it's not regret
Just remembrance is all
Of how close we had come
The war almost won
But I sent up our flag and moved on

she sings of her failed relationship, and yet she is saying: 'no, i am not regretting the way we turn out'. she is merely recalling the past - of how close they were to building a solid future, but difficulties encountered along the way made her gave up. this verse also suggests that she was the one who ended the relationship first.
 
i am tickled by Vienna's descriptions of Kansas. to her, it represents hopelessness. however, if i remember correctly, Joanna once mentioned in her Facebook status that she loves the vast blue sky of Kansas. hmmm, vast blue sky does give a very happy feel, don't you think so? and i remembered 3 years ago when Joanna announced she was going to study music there, Yan Qi (or was it Vern?) said this in response: "Oh when you mention Kansas, i imagine dried leaves being blown across the ground." (forgive me if this is not entirely correct... my memory is not very reliable after all.)
 
so, everyone has their own perception of Kansas? anyway, that is not what i wanted to say here. the point is, i love this song. i wish to find more songs like it and discover more musicians like Vienna.

the old buildings story

walking along the sidepaths in the city at night was a wonderful experience.

my eyes were attracted a couple of old buildings. peering into the glass for a moment revealed empty rooms with peeled walls and floor of dirt, big cylindrical pipes and wires were hanging haphazardly from the ceilings. simply put, those buildings were either in the middle of renovation or disrepair.

despite being so, i felt so much character reverberating from them. are you going to be born anew? or are you just fading into oblivion? those are the questions i would like to ask the walls - if only they could talk.

bits and pieces of my mind

these were written over the past year. somehow along the way, i stopped myself from publishing them on my blog. since i am so bored now, might as well let them see the light of the day.

15/2/10
Although my paternal grandma passed on last September, Chinese New Year is still being celebrated in our house. Dad is giving away angpows as usual. Decorations and red lanterns are up too.

Our family has been doing away with lots of old traditions and taboos, and we have to thank my late grandparents for this. They were the pioneers in our family; simplifying tedious rituals and getting rid of taboos.
I never once stepped on the cemetery land to visit the graves of my ancestors. My late grandparents were cremated and their ashes scattered out at sea. We don't have their graves to pay respects to during Cheng Beng. We just prayed at home. It is the thought that counts, right?
With their deaths, the circle has been broken; we no longer need to return to our 'ancestral' home for reunion dinner. This year marks the first Chinese New Year I celebrate wholly in TI. Our reunion dinner was a modest affair. We ate as a family....

5/2/10
Last week, I went to MPH and splurged RM99.20 on four books (3 fantasy, 1 manga).

Then, my sis asked: "Why do you like reading so much?"
The pertinent question here should be directed to you: "Why don't you like reading?"

14/12/09
Travelling in Malaysian highways is fun. Except paying toll, that is.

I love to sit in the back seat, with my siblings (this time around, only my brother) and Dad driving, Mom sleeping although she is supposed to be the co-driver.
Singing along to songs on the radio or my brother's Taylor Swift CD, watching the scenery as we zip through the highway at 110kmph, on lookout for mahogany trees (they are purple in colour!) or birds (spotted two eagles on two separate occasions)...
Back when I was still a kid, I used to be able to imagine various things out of the clouds in the blue sky - dragons, peoples, monsters etc. I would point them out, and asked my siblings if they could see the same things, and very often they could. Those moments were the highlights of my childhood memories. This time around, I find that I could no longer see them anymore. Maybe I lost my imaginative power, or I simply have grown up.
But increasingly, there is this overwhelming feeling of needing to reach out to those scenes

1/10/09
To Father Time,
Daddy retired two weeks ago.

And I am already 20.
Some of my friends also started to have boyfriends... if one of them suddenly announces their engagement and invites me to her wedding ceremony, I won’t be surprised. =)
I have been here, at Perth for almost 8 months now and there’s 60-odd days left to the journey back to Land of Glorious Food, Balmy Weather but Horrible Politicians – Malaysia.
Father Time, I know I am a horrible person for twisting your mind around. At times, I want you to walk slower, because I need to enjoy my holidays.
Sometimes, I want you to walk faster, so that I can go back to TI as soon as possible.I am so difficult to please, eh? I know. I know. Sorry.
I can remember the days when I was still a little kid, basking in the sunlight under the shady mango tree in my grandma’s house – an attempt to make myself look darker. (Since I was already teased for my dark complexion, I might as well make myself darker... that was what I thought.)
I can still remember the days in primary school, when it was monsoon season and the school grounds would be flooded with water. During that time of the year, I would bring an extra pair of slippers to school, in anticipation of floods. Sometimes we would be able to see an eel swimming around in the murky waters, or a crab. Or we would stand at the corridor; looking out at our school padang and it looked like a sawah padi. Glorious scenery, I would say.
I can still remember my first day in secondary school. We were all assembled in the canteen - all jam-packed against each other, being nervous and excited at the same time. That time, 5 years studying in one place seemed like forever and now, it seems like it never happened at all.
Father Time, people often say: Time heals. Now I could say that it is quite true. Because of you, the only place I had so wanted to run away from - now turns out to be the only place I want to return to.
Time flies. Or maybe it is just me... who is blind to your presence.

Boy in the World by Niall Williams

The story (from the blurb): J is a boy on the brink of adulthood. He discovers for the first time that his unknown father may still be alive and runs away from his small Irish village. His journey leads him to unpredictable dangers. J's upbringing by his remarkable grandfather had led him to trust the goodness of the world. But the events, some perplexing, some violent, he encounters on his journey, make him doubt his beliefs and his apparent ability to avert disaster for those he's with make him question his own identity.

My thoughts on this novel: Brilliantly written. It reads like a movie. Even though the language is descriptive, it is never boring. In my opinion, the story is magical because it is peppered with miracles (you could call them, coincidences) that give the unknowing J hope in times of despair.

Interesting quotes from this novel: 
"It's called Pascal's Gamble, or Wager. And it goes like this. If you don't know whether God exists or not, you can look at the best bet. If you live your life believing that he exists and you are wrong, you have lost nothing, but have lived a life of goodness. If you live your life believing that he does not exist and you are wrong, then in the end you would have to face him and the possibility of displeasure at the life you have led. So the best bet is to believe that he does. Because logically it's the best thing to do. You have the least to lose." -Bridget-

"Things do not stop although one person's heart breaks. Who even hears it?" -Master-

hijacked!

my laptop and i almost died today.

i was happily reading Yotsubato on Mangafox when my laptop started giving me weird signals and told me that it had been infected by 34 viruses - some of which might be the infamous Trojan. i panicked. my first thought was: Oh no! My anime and drama series! My song library! I made sure it is not a false alarm of some sort. I clicked on most programs and they won't start at all. They were blocked by the viruses. The laptop warned: "Application has been infected. Do you want to activate your antivirus program now?"

Bloody hell, my antivirus has been activated all this while! Grrr...

And then, Antivir Solution Pro (demo version) told me that i need to upgrade my protection and directed me to a website which sells the complete program, at approximately 40 USD. it claimed to be effective in removing viruses, spyware etc.

i started to be suspicious when:
no.1: i need to pay to obtain the full version of the antivirus program.
no.2: i couldn't enter any other websites, except Antivir Solution Pro's.
no.3: i don't remember downloading the demo version at all!

i figured out it must be a malicious spyware/virus masquerading as an antivirus program. i sent an S.O.S to my sister and she helped me Google my problem. apparently, this predicament of mine is really common. based on the instructions from my sis, i manually disabled the idiotic/cheater/liar of an antivirus program. and the problem was solved, somewhat. the creepy file is still lurking somewhere in my laptop and i am out to get rid of it!

THANK YOU sis and also Mei Ing (for letting me use her computer to communicate with my sis) for saving my laptop's life. XD

and NO THANK YOU to the people who invented computer viruses/spywares!

a random malay poem from me

hari-hari begini berlalu pergi
jiwaku derita melayan sepi
coretan pensel bagai melodi
memecahkan kesunyian hati

I dreamt that I was back in school, in that beige-peachy coloured classroom. It was a whole new year. Time to elect a new class committee. Someone suggested my name as the class monitor. All right. It was something I expected. The minute ticked by and nobody suggested another name. I looked around.

'Shankari's name! Someone please suggest her name!' I screamed aloud in my head.

In the end, I was elected the class monitor. I was aghast. Shocked beyond words. I was afraid to lead a class of 37 people.

'Shankari, please take over for me!' I pleaded silently.

All this while I have been scared to admit my own faults and weaknesses. I push responsibilities onto another person. I take my friends and family for granted. And Shankari, you bore the brunt of my selfishness because of our many years of partnership. You are our one and only class monitor. No one could replace you!

ps: dreams can reveal so much about myself. it is an astonishing phenomenon.

Merdeka Day Countdown Celebration

It was 30th of August 2005. Decked out in our oversized blue Ts and jeans, we went to town. It was bustling with activity. Mamak stalls and other food joints were already crowded with people. It was a grand celebration, with our own Perak's Crown Prince coming to town. There were probably other non-locals within our vicinity as well. We bumped into a few friends along the way. They looked amazingly pretty, probably taking the chance to date... who knows? We were teenagers, out to have some good fun.

We marched on to Clock Tower. The square where the Tower is located was already brimming with people. I cannot remember intricate details of that night. But there were many performances - Malay dances, Indian martial art, etc. The Crown Prince looked like a speck of dust from where were. We sat among other fellow citizens, singing patriotic songs with all our might.

When the clock struck 12, we all shouted the magic word - 'Merdeka!". We sang our national song and waved the Malaysian flag. Singing with heartfelt emotions, we watched the fireworks display in the midnight sky. It might be excitement or adrenaline rushing through my veins, but at that moment, I swore I was proud to be a Malaysian.

Why am I reminiscing the distant past, you wonder? By reading the news, I am a tad disheartened by the politics and the ever prevalent problem of racism in our country. But I only have to reflect upon that night again, to remind myself that I am a Malaysian through and through.

can you say that again, please?

i sat on the bench, drawing in my sketch book, waiting for my flight. a young pilot came to me and demanded my attention. i looked up and he said:

'i like you.'

i was stunned. i stood up and saw him slowly disappear from my view as he took the escalator. he was late for his flight. i felt my cheeks burning, but i mustered to courage to ask him one last question before he was gone. 

'are you kidding?' i yelled, hoping that he could hear.

he gave me that apologetic look with a charming smile on his face and tapped on his watch. he mouthed....


... damn. i can't remember what he was trying to tell me. the dream proceeded to tell all sorts of stories and i met almost everyone i knew, except the pilot. after the dream marathon was over, i woke up and tried desperately to go back to Slumberland again. but the effort was futile.

questions no one can answer

maybe i was around 5 when i realised that this world is impermanent.

and all sorts of difficult questions popped up in my head. before i was born, what was i? where was i? if i were dead, where would i go? what would i be? then, i felt afraid of the future. i don't want to grow up. i want to stay forever like this, as a kid. all these thoughts left me dizzy, sick, nauseous.

even though so many years had passed since that first realisation, i still feel that way about this world, about the future.

the sudden urge to...

... write short stories.
... read Malay novels or short stories.
... download every single romance comic out there in the cyberworld.

~sigh~

results release - FINALLY

nervousness sank in around afternoon, ironically when i was trying to get some peaceful sleep. so instead i did my usual thing - online, reading manga, listening to music. the jitters were gone for good.

and i refreshed Oasis results page every 10 minutes. But when time inched closer to midnight, i didn't want to see my results. weird, huh?

but all was good. i did ok. the difficulty level of our pharmacy course is like an RPG game. it gets tougher and tougher each time. but i am sure if we survive the battles, we can defeat the Big Boss.

ps: dad and mom going out to a nice restaurant tomorrow to celebrate my results... yeah, when i am dunno-how-many-miles away from home. such geniuses, my parents.  

my love philosophy

I thought it was just another phone call from Dad. But when he passed the call to Mom, the flow of conversation changed – even though at that point in time, I didn’t know.

“In your uni, there are lots of boys and girls, right?” she asked.
“Errr… yeah?” I replied. Isn’t that obvious, Mom? I thought to myself.
“Go on and make more friends. From there, get a boyfriend,” she said.

i was shocked. couldn’t breathe. my mom giving me THE TALK. i never expected this! that is the very last thing i want to hear from her.

i am feeling the pressure from my peers already. one by one, they are heading down to the dancefloor with their partners, waltzing along to the summer music while i stand near the refreshment table, sipping my drink and watching from the sidelines. that is why i don't need Mom to say the obvious.

I would be lying if i say i don't want a boyfriend. who doesn't? but these things need time. and i am one who believes in fate. i probably already have my mind all screwed up by fantasies of 'prince charming' and 'the one'. that is precisely why i am waiting. but logically speaking, i don't need someone special because my life has been 'so far, so good' without him.

i don't need a guy to complete my life. but if he could colour my life even more, that would great. right now, i just want to focus on the things important to me - my family, friends, studies. i just want to seek happiness in my own little ways, at my own pace. happiness lies within me, not with someone else.

ps: i am not sure if i wrote stuff like this on my blog before. that goes to show how bad my memory is. if by chance that is the case, i should really give myself a good slap. :P

images and words long forgotten

something popped into my mind just now. "Is my fanfiction.net account still there on the web?"

and yes, it is! it has been 6 long years since i last logged in. i was very infatuated with Harry x Luna canon back then. i spent most of my holidays thinking of a great storyline to bring them together. alas! JK Rowling decided that Ginny should be Harry's bride and Luna marries some random rock-star. *frowns*

reading my own fanfiction is really odd, because i can't remember what i wrote. even the words i used back then now seem so alien to me. it devastates me when i realise that i have lost significant writing skills ever since i stepped out of secondary school.

english and malay were my favourite subjects in school. of course, i enjoyed english more because i get to write stories. saving myself from a fire, running away from monsters, falling in love with a boy whose Time has stopped, falling in love with an enemy soldier, living my nightmares... those were among the few adventures i experienced through writing.

i guess i really let my imagination run wild back then. now, nothing ever comes to me.

the images and words which i have forgotten... would they ever come back to me? 

weird dreams

being somewhat imaginative, i have my fair share of quirky dreams. some are fun, while most are scary.

the worst so far was one i had of a few years ago. i dreamt that i murdered someone (she was a friend). i chopped her body up into many pieces and threw them into a wooden case. and that wooden case was placed in the attic.
as i was talking to another person, a weird liquid escaped from the wooden ceiling. blood was dripping out from the case, and down through the wooden floorboards of the attic. that was how my crime was found out.

interesting, eh? but i remembered being so scared of the dream. probably i was scared of myself really. would i be capable of such murder? that question haunted me for several years.

on a lighter note, a dream i had yesterday was marvelous. i couldn't remember the gist of it. but, for the very first time in my whole life, i heard music in my dream. it was an old Cantonese song - 1970s, i think. yeah, i would rather listen to something artistic or classical. alas! i have no control over my dreams.

let's be more musically-inclined next time, my dear subconsious mind!

as promised ;)

the one on the left is titled 'maybe kiwi' because it reminds me of Kiwi, a character from Le Gardenie. did this yesterday night.

on the right is 'hajar'. i drew this from a photo (not memory, definitely). Hajar is hardworking, sweet and kind. i would always remember her as the girl with immense passion for Go - a chess-like game, common in East Asia. Sweet memories of us playing Go during Intec Sports Day.

drawing bug?

it seems that i could only concentrate on one single thing at a time.

when winter break first started, it was the guitar. then novels. then anime. of course, i do a bit of everything every day. i try to.

as the night falls, i find myself restless. reaching out for the long-forgotten sketch book, i sketch and sketch the minutes away.

finally after many months of forsaking the pencil and paper, i come up with something i could be proud of... i think? will post up the picture soon. :)

what bus rides and showers have in common

they make me think.

or rather, they allow me time to reflect and wonder on aspects of my life. take today's bus ride for example.

i was just sitting around, and noirane nearly dozing off in the seat beside me. with nothing to do, i stared out at the window and began to think...

... just this morning, someone told me that learning guitar is not easy. the chords or tablatures or whatsoever are really hard concepts to grasp if i plan to be self-taught. again and again, i have someone telling me the same thing. i am so sick of it sometimes. they say it is hard. yeah, what makes you think i don't know about that? i am the one doing it, and so i know better than anyone just how tough it would be.

but planning to learn something new means i have to put on a thick skin and weather those comments out. just swallow them and move on.

first day of winter break!!!!!!!!!!

omg. the mercury actually hit 2 degrees celsius this morning. no wonder i was freezing in my bed. i think if i really did open the door, it would be like opening the door to the freezer. brrrr~~

went out to freo again. mei ing and wai hang went to buy some clothes. noirane and i just tagged along. while they were busy browsing for clothes, noirane and i went to elizabeth's secondhand bookshop. finally kathryn stockett's 'the help' is in stock!

hopped on to good sammy's. well, books there are second-, third-, fourth-hand... you get the drift. but at least they are cheap - about 2 dollars each. don't like them? just toss the books into the nearest good sammy's donation box and they will (hopefully) be bought by another person. haha. 

i really got lucky today because i spotted 'a night at rodanthe' by nicholas sparks. again, it is not new. it is yellow and dirty and has lost its book jacket. whatever. got myself that and a whole lot of other books too.

=) time to be a bookworm of another sort.

Mol Pharm is definitely the bane of my existence.

Despite my beliefs in osmosis, sleeping with lecture notes and books is not a good idea... my back is really feeling sore now.

And then, I wondered how did I manage to sleep back home with books and magazines all around me. Ahah! It finally hit me that my bed at home is queen-sized. And the current one is a single bed. Adoi. >_<

Back to tablets. : )

me: what did i do in the past life to get such a cute, handsome, caring, kind and amazing brother like you?
bro: no its more like wat bad deeds i did last time.

EPIC!

what the hell is wrong with me?!

I felt like I have lost myself. Where has my mind gone to? Did my soul just escape this body of mine?

Am I too rigid? Am I following the rules too much? It is like there are two sides of lush green grass beside me but I am inclined to walk on the pavements instead - to follow the path laid by the ones before me.

This morning I sat for Molecular Pharmacology tutorial test. It was open-book. I had initially thought that we were allowed the bring lecture notes. But when I got the paper in my hands, it said: "You are allowed to bring tutorial notes". I freaked at that moment. Almost half of the notes I had in my file were lecture notes, not tute notes. I was adamant not to flip that part of my file open. Call me crazy, nuts, insane. I had no idea why I did that. At some point during the test, I was tempted to use McWilliam's protein notes but in the end, I stopped myself.

Yesterday, Chee Hou passed me the tute answers Nida prepared. I asked if she would be okay with his doing that. He waved my worries away, saying she loves to share. I know both Nida and Chee Hou did this out of good intentions. They love to help and share. They are very kind. But I just couldn't bring myself to use Nida's notes - her hard work. I spent all night preparing for tute questions that I didn't do beforehand, on my own.

I am not proud of the things I did during the tute test. The night before, I insisted on not using Nida's answers. But when I was desperate when it came to answering the Lisa Tee's pharmacology questions. I hadn't revised that. I know I am so screwed up. At the back of my mind, I know I would leave her questions unanswered again. So, I used Nomiki Melas and Anne Nguyen's answers that I had downloaded off Blackboard. I wasn't feeling guilty of using their work, but I felt like I had betrayed myself. My actions the night before and this morning were just so contradictory, I cannot understand myself.

Then, this afternoon was Pharmaceutical Analysis prac test. Everything was okay, until the time came for me to hand in my lab results sheet. I was so worried over the fact that I didn't sign off on the attendance list for the last lab two weeks ago. I talked to Louise (our lab supervisor) and she reassured me that it was okay. Then, feeling relieved, I walked back to Vickery House. My mind was blank and honestly, I had no idea how I could end up in my room safe and sound with that state of mind. Moments after settling in, I realised that I could have made another huge mistake. "Did I sign off for today's prac test?" ARGH!

I ran back to the lab. Louise had already gone home and a lady supervisor told me to find the most senior supervisor around - the bespectacled old man with blondish-gray hair (I had no idea what is his name). Running along the corridor of the School of Pharmacy like a mad girl, eventually I managed to find him. And he explained that the most important thing in the prac test was to hand in the results sheet. "Louise would have made sure you signed off the attendance," he said. I know that. I trust Louise's professionalism... but I just can't trust myself with things. My mind and soul have wandered off somewhere and I am just an empty shell now.

I am disappointed with myself. My performance in tests, labs, everything. I need to pass this sem's units, especially Mol Pharm. I want to pass. But for that to happen, I have to find myself again. To know my strengths and weaknesses... to get my mind and soul on the same track again.

ps: i have no idea what defines 'me'. my relationship with others? habits? likes? dislikes? occupation? ambition? religious beliefs? Who am i? i am constantly trying to find that out. i don't want to lose to myself.

Mimpi Siang

MY GOD! who am i kidding when i thought i could get into the VC list? >_<

jacys, dream on lah you!

right now, i am contented if i could pass every single unit this semester.

i am not ranting... just stating my thoughts. =D =D

*trying to stay afloat even though i couldn't swim*

H.O.M.E = Heart Of My Existence

There is nothing I can do for my family when I am this far away.

I feel so removed from the reality that is troubling them at the moment, just because I am not there to see, hear or experience their anxiety.

And I am being bogged down by worries of my own too. My problem is just as significant to me, as with theirs to them. Nevertheless, mine pales in comparison to theirs, especially when theirs really is a matter of life and death.

All I can do is pray for my relatives back home. I hope they have got the strength to endure this challenge that Life has presented them.

p/s: can't understand what I am saying? it is okay. you don't need to know.

floating

Another SMS from home triggers emotions again. This time it was my eldest sis.

The buried feelings resurface and take form in front of me. They become clearer and I am able to describe them better now.

Lately I feel like I am just floating around.

Walking to lectures, tutorials or labs… buying groceries on my own… cooking for myself after a long day… listening to Australian accent every day, looking at Australian and international classmates from all over the world…

All these sights and sounds have become familiar to me. But it is an uncomfortable familiarity. It is as if I am seeing, but not living in the images I see. I am detached. “This is not my life that I am living,” I thought to myself occasionally.

Sis said this is because I haven’t found a ‘family’ here in Perth. “Is that so?” I wondered. I don’t think she is wrong, but she isn’t entirely right either.

This is a strange situation to be in. However, it isn’t all that bad. I have become a bit ‘un-feeling’… and that is all.

Temper just gets in the way of studying. >: (

Need to wave away such negative feelings!

PANIC!!!

... less than a month left... *faints*

when i am bored, i draw~

Okay, this is not me. XD This is the first real drawing that I did in my sketchbook. I really love pencil as a medium and smudge the carbon give more depth to the drawing. :)

mask

7 years ago.

As if by fate, out of a thousand different black-and-white photos strewn all over the floor, I chose that one.

A small bald boy with a mask over his face. He looked dull, expressionless even. We were asked to interpret the photo we chose.

The guest speaker began pointing his fingers at potential targets. I prayed hard, "Don't choose me... please don't." Maybe I didn't wish for it hard enough. He pointed his finger at me.

I told everyone that the boy in the photo was happy because he had something to play with. Lame, I thought to myself. The speaker went on with his own interpretation of the photo I had in my hands. He said: "I think that this boy is hiding himself behind his mask... masking his true feelings from others."

I looked at him and I just couldn't believe it. He and I thought of the same thing. But I was just too afraid to tell people of my own thoughts. I was afraid of being laughed at. Or arriving at the wrong conclusion.

7 years on, these feelings are still relevant in my life. Why am I so afraid to speak up, to voice out my thoughts? The face that I am wearing to show the world... is it mine or just another mask?

sure, sure... i passed both pharm analysis and primary care this time. but the results are less than satisfying. : (

sigh~

SKIP THIS POST. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Some people should stop assuming that everything will turn out all right for me just because it did for them the last time around.

Some people should stop comparing me with others.

Some people should just save their sympathy when I fail Mol Pharm. Because, I don't need your sympathy. I don't need you to be nice.

Some people should stop assuming that I am sad over the test result. The sadness is way over. It happened way before I knew my marks okay? The sadness happened soon after the test because I knew I did badly. But now? You should assume that I am angry with myself because that's what I am feeling right now.

Some people should stop assuming that I will give up just because of one failure. Okay, you might say it because you are trying to be nice but then again, please save your kindness for someone else. Who says I am giving up? Do I look weak to you?

p/s: this post is directed to some people (definitely not you, the reader of this ranting space) who think they understand me so much. oh no, they are so mistaken, babeh.

self-declared holiday

someone should really make Monday Blues an official disease.

i feel so tired now - like a thousand thugs have beaten me to a pulp and leave me to die. and that's why i decided to keep my hands off the assignment and lecture notes tonight.

MOGOK!!!!

getting up after a fall

It is beneficial if you can develop a study schedule and stick to it.

That was what Dad said in his SMS. I know I am making my parents worried, with my spiralling marks and all.

For me, a failure or a near-failure is the thing that keeps me on my toes. It is the thing that spurs me on and drives me on, reminding me: "You cannot repeat that same mistake."

I know I am the kind to rest on my laurels, or being too overconfident. That's why a fall is sometimes a good thing.

Should really get my act together now.

Ocean

Its beauty beckons
Its serenity calls
It pulls me in
And I can't ignore.

Its silvery water
Warms my heart
Though it is, at first
Cold to the touch.

The waves may soar
And come crashing down
Leaving me breathless
Making me drown.

But even so, I find
It is mostly kind
Gentle and sweet
Lightly sweeping against my feet.

We are inseparable
Like waves touching the shore
Love is like the ocean
And so much more.

-Ocean-
by jacys :)

turning sadness into kindness

this is a song from Naruto, one of my favourite animes. it's called 'Kanashimi wo Yasashisa ni' which means 'turning sadness into kindness'. it is a bit too long to post the whole translation of the song, so i will just choose a few parts/paragraphs (?) to share.

this is dedicated to all friends who are having tough times in their lives.

turning sadness into kindness
your uniqueness into strength
it's okay to get lost so begin walking
once again, once again

do you like to be praised by
answering everyone's expectations?
will your smile always be beautiful
even if you hide your true self?

it's natural like the rainbow
that somehow appears after tears
the rain stopped

so the most important thing is
always without any shape
even if you have it or lose it
you'll never know

turning sadness into kindness
your uniqueness into strength
believing that you should be able to do it
once again, once again
once again, are you ready?

definitely bad news after a good one

Haha! I woke up late today. Slept late, that's why. Not to mention, my hand has a mind of its own. Must have turned off the alarm clock. I can't find any other reason why I would be springing out of my bed (quite literally) at 7.50 am and subsequently reprimanded by BD, along with the others.
Thank god for 'herd immunity'!! This shows I really did learn something frm BD's lectures, eh?

He was all: "You should respect the lecturer, other students blah blah blah. I live north of the river, and I could be on time blah blah blah. You are all adults. Wake up early blah blah blah."

I felt like standing up and say it to his face: "At least we made an effort to get here and attend your lecture. We show up today, and that means we respect both you and the subject." But on second thought, I suppressed that desire to refute him. He was handing out our midsem papers, you see. Don't want to give a horrible impression in a test feedback session. :S

Hey ho! I got a decent mark for Immuno, all thanks to good old McWilliam. He was pretty lenient in marking. I am sure I passed this one. But then, I thought of Mol Pharm...

Ah well, I have gotten myself prepared to fail that one. Let's keep our minds focused on Primary Care and Pharmaceutical Analysis, shall we?

p/s: posted this on Xian Ni's blog by accident. I managed to delete it. Phew~~

The Cheah family doesn't have any musical genes?

It was as if I had opened a Pandora box of secrets when I bought Yui-chan.

It was recently that I realised my family is not very artistically inclined. We love to sing, if that is what you mean. But that is as far as the music in us goes. Dad plays the harmonica a little, but I am sure his skills are now as rusty as the old harmonica in the kitchen drawer (don’t ask why it’s the kitchen of all places).

Being born in that sort of a family where no one plays an instrument and knows zilch about music, I had my qualms about picking up guitar. I was worried about the cost, paying for lessons, what others would think, what my family would think... etc. My worries were like a bottomless pit. Last year, I really wanted to get one here in Perth during the winter. And when I told Dad about it, he said: “Are you sure you could do this?” It was very off-putting. I was disappointed that he said something like that to me. In the end, I gave in into his perception of me. I let the intention slipped away but the thought of it just couldn’t leave me.

And this year comes along. I finally bought a guitar for myself for various reasons. Everyone in my family was surprised. I bet they thought I was only warming up to the idea but would never act on it. And I am glad I proved them wrong.

Then, everyone started telling me their near-brushes with getting an instrument themselves. My second sister told me she wanted to enrol for guitar lessons in GB. Instead of getting a guitar, Dad brought her to the Chung Seng Bookshop and got her a harmonica instead. I laughed when she related this story but it wasn’t a petty matter to her back then. She was only about 13 after all.

And my eldest sis wanted to take piano lessons back in primary school. When she told Dad, he insisted that he had asked her about it before and she had refused. My sis had no recollection of such an event happening. Why was Dad so discouraging about us taking music lessons? The only reason my sisters and I could come up with is that our family was barely scraping by on Dad’s paycheck. That could explain the lack of family vacations too.

The greatest revelation so far had to come from my old man himself. When Dad first came to TI, he actually enrolled in guitar lessons in Yamaha School but was put off by theoretical part of music. He quitted after only one lesson. Could this be the reason why he discouraged us (albeit subtly) from taking up music? I could only guess.

When I broke the news that I finally bought Yui-chan, I caught that element of surprise in his email. After relating his experience at Yamaha, he said, “I think the Cheah family hasn’t got any musical genes.” I was furious with this remark because it was as if he is looking down on me. But then, the next email came – “I wish you could prove me wrong.”

Yeah, Dad... I want to prove you wrong. More importantly, I want to make myself happy. If I don’t do what I like now, then when can I do it? If the right time is not now, then when will that be?

Being an adult (gasp!) beginner at something is never easy. I can’t read music and I plan to be self-taught. I don’t expect myself to start playing the guitar immediately and I want to learn things at my own pace. Even if I do give up in the future, I won’t regret this decision. This is something I really wanted after all.

About the ‘musical genes’ thing, I don’t take that crap. As long as we put our efforts into something, we can improve. Now, that’s what I believe in.

I am Flow, Dilatant Flow.

I want to be a dilatant flow material, that becomes more and more viscous as more shearing stress is applied.

Okay, all the three tests before this SUCK! Or more like, I sucked in them.

I know, I haven't done much studying prior to sitting for the tests. And logically, I shouldn't be expecting much. In fact, I am priming myself for the fact that I am going to fail Immuno and Mol Pharm, with Mol Pharm being a definite fail because I didn't even complete half of the paper. >: (

Anyway, with that in mind, I just want to move forward. I think it is okay to cry a while, but not for too long. I cried for like 10 minutes when I found out my Pharmaceutics marks. And then, all the sadness was quickly watered down. I kept telling myself: "Hey, you shouldn't expect too much. You reap what you sow."

So what if I screwed the first half of the semester? There is still another half. I can change what has yet to happen, right? So cliche... I know. But I want to believe in them.

Quotes of Woe

With her bare hands, she reaches into the deep crevices of her head and found ...

... nothing.

The ultimate form of sadness is one when you can't even feel sadness anymore. You just feel numb.

Oh no! I have no space to keep Yui-chan!

Ahahaha! Yup, that's the name of my brand new guitar! XD

I thought guitars are supposed ot be big, bulky musical instruments that are going to break my back the moment I pick them up. So when I finally held it in my hands, it was like: "WOW. It is so light!"

I had thought of giving my first guitar manly names, eg Takumi, Yasu, Ren or Azuma (but nah, Azuma should be reserved for flutes instead. ;P) So my Mr. Guitar turns out to be a Miss Guitar. : )

It took me a year to finally decide to learn it, and another 3 agonising weeks to choose the precise brand and model. In the end, I picked out Yamaha F310 - a beginner guitar model that Vern introduced to me. Not to mention, it only took me about 10 minutes to officially own it. How ironic.

Haha. I went out at 9.15am empty-handed and came back at 11.45am with a guitar. Now that's what I call 'magic'!

Why am I so desperate to pick up an musical instrument?

I have always been interested in music. I love to sing along to my favourite songs.

But after a downpatch lately, it seems to me singing is no longer enough. There isn't any suitable avenue for me to vent out my frustration. Whenever I go online, I wish to talk to someone about how I feel... but once I manage to get hold of someone, I just can't find the right words to express them. Heck, I don't even know what exactly is my problem.

I am still searching for the 'me' from 6 months ago, who proudly declared to the world that she loved studying. Can you please come back and be one with me again, so that I no longer feel so miserable?

My heart says...

"JUST DO IT!"

Haha. I have been thinking about getting myself a guitar (and hopefully, a flute next) for the past two weeks. I have been googling the various brands, consulted so many people and talked about it almost every day that they will puke the next time the word 'guitar' comes up again.

Anyway, so when I have decided to get myself one, the next big question is: "Should I get a cheap guitar or one that I really like?" :S My problems are endless, you see...

So eventually, I decided to buy a new one next week when I am supposed to be using all the spare time in the world to study for Mol Pharm.

Mol Pharm, I have to put you on hold 'cos Mr Guitar has been waiting for me all week! : P

Shine by Vienna Teng

In this desert land
I know some rain must fall
See where we began
We've come so far
On this harbor shore
We hear the ocean call
In our minds at war
We have so far to go

Shine with all the untold
Hold the light given unto you
Find the love to unfold
In this broken world we choose

In unending storms
We search for space to breathe
How our hearts are worn
We've come so far
In this desert
How we blossom and we cease
Tell your story now
We have so much to know

With the immuno test paper and my half-baked answers in front of me, I felt a twinge of guilt.

And then, I thought: 'If only I didn't watch animes or drama during the break..."

Wow. I never thought I would say that. Ever.

Scatterbrain

That's me. My thoughts flying everywhere when I really need it to focus on important matters.

I should be studying, and not looking at online ads for second-hand flutes or guitars.

:-(

Thank You and I Love You

Today, I SMSed my dad and told him: 'Daddy and Mimmy, I never got the chance to thank you for not moving us all to KL. Because of that, I have great friends in my life.'

To which he replied: 'You are welcome. Mimi and I are happy that we've made the right decision for not moving. Because of this, I became the modern Marco Polo. In fact, I beat him flat in terms of distance. I've driven (besides flying), >1 million km - ie >40 times circumference of the Earth. It is a scary thought and no wonder my head is thinning fast.'

I LOL-ed at his SMS, but my parents' sacrifices are real.

I am really fortunate to have friends whom I have known since primary school. I used to be able to memorise all 37 names in our class - not only because I was once the assistant class monitor - but because, I had seen those names for so many times over the course of my schooling days.

*But I must admit, my memories are getting rusty now.*

This is all made possible by my parents, who insisted on not relocating the whole family when Daddy got his promotion. It was a tough choice to make, and to live through. But they made it anyhow.

And now that I realised this little but very important fact, all I could say is 'Thank you and I love you'.

Ever walked into the library, with the books piled on high all around you? And breathing in the dust they sit, and feeling so alive in it?

For me, choosing a book to borrow (literature, that is - not any other) from the library is like a journey. I am on a journey that knows no destination, but I delight in looking at the sceneries it gives for my senses to feast on.

And today, I found a really good poetry book. More like, it found me – I think. It is ‘Shadowed Dreams: Women’s Poetry of the Harlem Renaissance’ which was edited by Maureen Honey. I feel like sharing two poems from the collection.

I Weep
by Angelina Weld Grimké

- I weep –
Not as the young do noisily,
Not as the aged rustily,
But quietly.
Drop by drop, the great tears
Splash upon my hands,
And save you saw them shine,
You would not know
I wept.


And here’s another one about love.


I Want to Die While You Love Me
by Georgia Douglas Johnson

 I want to die while you love me,
While yet you hold me fair,
While laughter lies upon my lips,
And lights are in my hair.

I want to die while you love me,
And bear to that still bed
Your kisses turbulent, unspent,
To warm me when I’m dead.

I want to die while you love me,
Oh, who would care to live
Till love has nothing more to ask
And nothing more to give?

I want to die while you love me,
And never, never see
The glory of this perfect day
Grow dim or cease to be!

I meet with so many people in my life. They are so dazzling, shining with personalities and strengths to call their own. And all of a sudden, I feel a pang of jealousy, eating up my whole being. Where is this coming from and where is this going? I do not know. I feel so uncertain. So angry. So lost.

And the medicine for this disease comes in many different ways. A chat or two. A reassuring SMS or email. Or simply a karaoke session to heal the broken soul. Whatever it is, I still have to live on, right?


good night Days, good old days
Since the day I wanted to fly away, I promised to become stronger

good night Days, good old Days
Since the day I swore I'd never come back, I've put my memories to rest

ah knock on the Days, good old Days
Though I've come to miss you, I regret that I had pretended to be strong, but
I'm climbing the hill again, so I'll paint my dream on a blue canvas, see you again
Continuing up and down, I'll quietly drop by to see you, see you again

-Fly Away by THYME-
-translation and transliteration by Rizu-chan-


Strum the tune of your existence
And sing that you're here

A new journey is beginning now
Each of the ever-changing seasons
We live through
Gives us wisdom and strength

Strum the tune of your existence
And sing that you're here
Let it ring out into the red moonlit sky

-Re:Member by FLOW-
-translation and transliteration by hikon11-

Life is like vegetables

I think this happened a couple of days ago.

I saw the beautiful  bak choy in a basin of water in the kitchen. The green leafy vege with white stems were too pretty to be eaten.

An hour or so later, my housemate proceeded to cut the bak choy for cooking. She retained the green leafy parts and threw the rest into the bin. I was shocked. It is so wasteful! I thought.

Her explanation? She doesn't like to eat the stems.

Sure, sure... the green leafy parts are soft and nice to eat. But I think the fibrous stem parts are really tasty and they have got nice texture too. After all, the stems are the ones that support the leafy parts. Don't you think that the stems should be worthy of our praise and not discarded into the bin?

Chasing what is hopefully the possible

At the beginning of Week 1, the favourite catch-phrase among lecturers was: 'Keep on top of your workload'. 

My answer to that was: 'Isn't it okay for us to trail behind our workload just a little bit?'.

And now, with Week 4 looming, I realise I have lots of running to do.

JUST LEAVE ALREADY!

Maybe it is that time of the month. Or maybe I am really pissed off. Really, it is only in anime and movies where it is OKAY to be monologuing.

Mahou Tsukai ni Taisetsu na Koto: Natsu no Sora

Translated as: 'Things that are important to a mage: Summer Skies'.

Predictable plot. May be a little slow-paced for some, but I think it is just okay for me. Bland character design.

But!

Gorgeous sceneries. Nice songs - opening, ending and BGM included. :)

The main character is cute, isn't she?

how to mend the crack you can't see? or listen to the voice of a silent plea?

Why I walk fast

Sorry.

I like to walk fast to classes, and it is not because I am used to Laura or Wan Lin's walking speed back when we were in Intec.

For one, I hate to be late to lectures. I like to make it a point to be early in classes. This habit is innate, and so, I have no idea why I am the way I am.

Two, I really hate waiting for people who are late. Not hate. The word is DETEST. This is because of something I experienced as a child. This has a more personal ring to it, so I won't elaborate. The process of waiting for someone is just excruciating. It is like the whole world has abandoned you, forgotten about you.

Three, I like to be ahead of others. When there are so many areas in which I fail miserably, this is the very least I can do to make myself feel better. So there.

And if I am walking faster than you, then sorry. But don't say I never warned you.

I hate MONDAYS!!!

No, seriously - I HATE THEM. It's official.

My Mondays in the first sem are all about lectures, which is all good since I enjoy dozing off in lectures. I am the famous sleepyhead back in Intec after all.

But NO, tutes must be on Mondays! Grrrr! Lots of work to do during the weekend. Take Mol Pharm, for example. 'Prepare a page of notes on sickle cell disease.' WTH. And then there's Pharm Analysis - which is all about chemistry and calculations and I totally sucked in that.

***

On an unrelated note, my bro said that I am hardworking 'cuz I listen to iLectures. Hehe.

"Depression is a cycle."

That was what Jia Mun used to say in her blog. I agree. After a few days of being in that vicious cycle, I could only weather the storm with a half-sane mind.

It is time to move on and get on with the workload of pharmacy course. The workload just doesn't wait for anyone. =.=lll

****

On an unrelated note, the computer classified all my iLecture audio files as 'blues'.
So true, so true.

Becoming Jacys 101

If there is a manual on how to live my own life, things would have been easier. I would not second-guess my own choices, nor would I ponder on things that come – because there is no need to. Because with knowing, come conviction and faith. Because with ignorance, come worry and fear.

I am SICK of travelling far from home to pursue higher studies. Homesickness is too overwhelming.

But at the same time, I want to get a feel of the world beyond my little town.

Morrie Schwartz, is this what you meant when you said 'tension of the opposites'?

Steeling my heart...

Time passes so quickly. Now that I am in Perth, it seems like I never went back to TI for the holidays at all. Each time I leave home, a piece of my heart dies.

I feel so tired of this kind of life. But I chose this, and there's nothing I can ever do now... except to continue walking. Sigh~

Continue staying in the same old room, except that it is quite sparse at the moment. I haven't moved any of my stuff from Amy's place yet. Arghhhh! I am sick of moving stuff. If only I have magic....

Dream on lah. Expect more emo posts soon. :-(

Familiar faces in a small town

If there is one thing I absolutely detest (perhaps that is too strong a word) about living in a small town, is the fact that I see familiar people everywhere. Take today for example.

After dinner, I went shopping for clothes in The Store (not sure if it is big enough to be called a 'mall'), with Mimmy and Yuin-cheh. My first step into the place, I already spotted a familiar person. She and I were in the same Accounts and Malay tuition during Form 4 & 5. I could only remember her surname: Tan. What is her full name? Eeek! I have no idea! I am very terrible at remembering names. So instead of saying 'Hi' in that sea of people, I chose not to say anything and prayed REALLY HARD that she won't see me. And she didn't notice me at all. Phew!

I went to the first floor, where all the girls' and ladies' clothes are. Mimmy and Yuin-cheh helped me to look for nice New Year clothes. We looked around and we tried on a few clothes. Apparently, Mimmy's friend, whose two daughters are friends of both of my sisters, was also working in The Store as Shiseido's salesperson (well, something like that anyway). They chatted for quite some time.

As they chatted, I continued looking at other stuff - most notably Goggles, because I have always liked that brand.  The salesgirl at Goggles stared at me. "What's up with her?" I thought and backed off immediately. We continued our shopping spree. Along the way, we met with more familiar people. There was this salesgirl, whose elder sister was Yuin-cheh's classmate. Another woman working under the 'Dolly' brand was Mimmy's yoga friend.

Then, we came a full circle and went back to Goggles again. Mimmy spotted a cute jacket and asked me to try it. The salesgirl was there, still. This time, Mimmy noticed something. "Hey, she looks really familiar," she whispered to Yuin-cheh and I.

Both of us agreed, but we couldn't remember her from anywhere at all. Finally, as the salesgirl handed us the jacket that we wanted, Mimmy asked her: "You look awfully familiar. From where have I seen you before?" The girl flashed a sweet smile and said, "You too, Auntie. My mother is the lady who sold economy noodles in Antek Avenue."

The "Oooh" moment came. We finally recalled that we used to frequent a lady's stall in Antek Avenue. She operated her business from home and sold all sorts of noodles and desserts at RM1 per packet. This girl was always helping her mother at the stall.

Mimmy struck a conversation with the girl, asking about her mother and so on. Apparently, the lady had stopped selling noodles and went into direct sales instead for a couple of years now. And the girl is now studying in TAR College.

That was about the greatest  'familiar people' find we had in The Store today. Oh yeah, Shen Li spotted me when we were at the second floor. She was working part-time at the pillows department. Well, we did see a whole lot of other people in The Store - Mimmy's friends, Mimmy's brother's friends, my juniors and etc. But I wouldn't care to elaborate about them here.

And oh, the salesgirl's name? We don't know and we didn't ask. In a small town, you don't need to know a person's name to know them.